boredom

I am really bored today. I have a list of things todo but have no motivation to do anything. I'm tired of cover letters and i'm tired of sitting in front of my computer in general. I should have taken the day off to go into Waterloo for the day but my best friend who lives there doesn't want to see me so what's the point of wasting a whole day at the mall for nothing.

I haven't worked on my quilt lately either. I need to get some fabric but in the meantime i could be fixing up some unperfect patches. The patches are a lot of work to fix up, it requires unstitching them and that's a great deal of work. If it's just the main strip that needs redoing, that's not as bad, but i've gotten into the patches that need to be undone throughout the whole patch.

Well blogging doesn't seem to be helping my boredom, i'm going to play more sims.

better days

I have so many things I want to say, but lack the strength to finish a sentence. For example; Apparently he thought I was excellent and he liked me so much, but he went with a different person for the job. And then I’m stuck being depressed again and I know I shouldn’t be and I know that I clearly wasn’t good enough for the job and someone was better and I should let them have the job and be happy for them and as I waited for this guy to call me to offer me the job I thought about someone being more deserving them myself. Like what if someone that they interviewed had been unemployed for nine months and I’m only going on month 7, clearly they are more deserving, but yet I fail to see it that way and I feel that my seven months of hell is enough to guarantee me a job. I don’t know how to sell myself and as a good Mennonite I never will be. I am humble by faith but and fucked by the same faith.

And the car that want so badly now just drove past. And I thought that the black looked the best but that was dark blue and still looked great I guess the dark aqua looks good too but always planned on the black. And theres another thought. Not getting this job means not getting this car or least without the hassle of knowing where my next payment will come. And I’m upset about not getting something I didn’t really even want. My dad didn’t even trust me with the riding lawnmower but yet I’m supposed to trust myself with a car?

And why is there a half eaten bird on the stairs outside my house? It looks like a chicken but the last one that died was a few weeks ago now and why would an animal be carrying it around this long? It’s white (or once was) like a chicken but it’s one claw that was left attached to the body is smaller then the chickens normally are and I can’t think of a white bird that would be that big just hanging out around here. The biggest birds that are here eating from the feeders are doves and blue jays and the red bellied woodpecker but none are white and their normal body size are the size of the piece of whatever bird that was eaten by whatever animal left it there. And I think about my cat and how he would leave a dead mouse for me to see and as a present for me but I don’t think that is the reason for this bird to appear on my steps now. And I miss my cat

I’m sorry you’ve read my rant and I’m sorry that I’m upset and depressed and dwelling on my pain. But if I can’t express myself here, what’s the point of ever expressing it. But don’t worry, my door frame and my window heard more of my ranting then you have and thankfully I’ve calmed down and my eyes have stopped hurting and I can maybe sit on the couch and watch tv and maybe actually get dressed today. And maybe tomorrow will be better.

And I’ll leave you with my don’ts for today and maybe I’ll write the corresponding Do’s tomorrow.

-Don’t drink a beer while in the hottub, it only makes you go pee and makes you get out sooner then you planned.
-Don’t tell me I was excellent and you really liked me and in the same sentence tell me that you are sorry but you offered the job to someone else.
-Don’t place your happiness in the hands of a guy named Mark. (Second strike and I’m sorry if that’s your name, but that’s the way the deck was shuffled)
-Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, put them in different pockets so that they don’t hit together and break.
-Don’t listen to sad songs that you can relate to, listen to wonderful songs that I you want to relate to.
-Don’t drink three alcoholic beverages before you’ve eaten anything, I’m assuming it can’t be good for you.

the view

I found myself in a million of my own tears
Nothing seems fair.
But then there is a moth on my window and it wants to come in
I’m assuming.
And I wonder why,
It’s cold in here, my room is a mess and I have a rash on my chin
From my blanket cause was wiping away my tears with it.
And this moth wants to come in?
It’s not all that it seems I tell him, it’s not fun in here and even though there is a bed in this room its not comfortable and he’s better off where he is.
And I realize I’m talking to a moth
And I realize that I am so sad that I don’t even care that I am showing my tears and I keep talking to him
But he’s gone now, like my hopes and dreams,
He’s gone like the past and I can’t change what I studied in school and I can’t change who my dad was or the fact that I still long for the teddy that I used to sleep with when I was 5.

My words seem empty and I’m sorry I didn’t give the moth a chance,
Maybe he would have liked it inside and who am I to not let him in?

Joey... one of my best friends

Actually I don't have any time to head and see you, I have school work and work to deal with. Sorry but I don't have time to deal with anything else other than school. I have a very busy next couple weeks and then I have to work and find a job, so I don't think I have any free time for the next couple weeks, and even if i find a couple days off I'll most likely be heading to cornwall and gathering my stuff or helping my parents move. Sorry nothing I can do. I'll talk to you later. Joey


This coming from a guy who I have considered one of my best friends for the past four years. I couldn’t make it to Waterloo this weekend and he begged me and gave me the guilty treatment so I emailed him saying I’ll make it in for a day and we can spend the day together. I noted that I may need a pick-me-up if I don’t get this job after all and this is what he emailed in return.

And so to Joey I want to say:
I’m sorry you have to deal with having a job and managing a social life, plus actually trying to sit down and do some homework. But welcome to the last two years of my education. I struggled my whole university career to cope with issues of money and grades. I’ve actually sat down and read all my text books because I’ve always wanted to get good grades, I was never there because my parents were supporting my time. And I know you knew I worked, you asked me often to get together and join you at the bars. Do you know why I wouldn’t?? Because I had to pay for life: stuff like books, food and rent. I’m sorry you never understood my sacrifices but now you know what I went through. I’m not forcing you to spend a ton of money, I’m not forcing a great deal of your time, and I’m not forcing you to do anything you don’t want to do. Don’t treat me like you can’t fit me into your life and blame our flawed relationship on me!

But I write this all in a blog because he doesn’t read blogs, he says if he’s a friend he’ll hear it from me, and it’s true, if I ever write anything important I will surely tell you about it first. But these are words I don’t want him to read, I want to pretend that you don’t constantly hurt me and that your emails that I perceive as negative actually aren’t. If I can turn away from you while your going through your tempter tantrum then I can avoid more of a feud. I think I deserve better then his constant belittling.



Anyways just needed to vent. This is one of my favourite pictures of us. We are very close, but i guess we just have our days (and for some reason he gets PMS too).

My car, and my fears

After a serious talk with my brother in law about cars the other day I have come to the scary reality that I am only two-steps away from buying a car. I have a car in mind and have had this car in mind for a while now, though it is not my dream car, but a care that I could possibly be driving. My dream car is a Mazda Protégé 5 but after some research that car is above my price range. Many cars are, however, my new dream, an Oldsmobile Alero isn’t. I’ve done some research into cars and dealerships lately and many dealerships are way higher then the dealership where I found this car and many cars are much older then 2002 and still priced higher. But the thought crosses my mind too. Should I buy this nice 4 year-old car for $9000 or should I buy the neighbours shitbox car for sale and pay less then $2000 for something I’ll drive for a third of the time. Tom and I talked about the insurance I’ll need and what to do first when purchases it. He told me a great deal about insurance processes and what to look for when calling around, he told me what to ask when I look at the vehicle and make sure I note what I’m looking for in a car. I concluded with a sigh saying that I can’t afford one now but maybe I’ll have a job in a month and he said “well you’ll be making car payments all your life, what’s one more month?”

So I sit here, day after day playing the sims, quilting, checking emails and looking up cars and insurance quotes. Am I really this close? I don’t even like the thought of the responsibility and the damage of what I could end up doing to myself but yet I like the thought of having a car and having a life. It’s true, what is one more month?

I know that when I get a job a car may be essential, but there is sometimes the possibility of moving into town and taking public transit, like good environmentalists. But with my present lead I would need a car and if this job happens, I would need a car soon. So I’m stuck, I want a car, but I want to put off the payments of a car as long as possible. I don’t know …(sigh)

the need to blog

I’ve been talking to myself a great deal this morning and I will spend the rest of my day talking to myself about nothing and will get nothing done. So one cure is to blog; to jot down ideas and to focus my mind rather then just babble to myself about my trip that I took to England in September or my dating philosophies. I’ve had a list of possible blog entries that I’ve wanted to write about but just haven’t yet so I will pick one to talk about.

My New Baby: My quilt.

My quilt is coming along. I’m in what I call phase two of the process. Phase one was sewing the patches together; I needed 30 but decided to make a few extra in case of future pillowcases and to have a better chance of finding 30 perfect patches. So the patches are done and phase two began. Phase two is sewing the patches together and organizing the lattice colour scheme. The quilt is 5x6 (patches) and so far I have the first row of 5 assembled. It looks fabulous and took much less time putting it together then I thought. So once again I’m addicted to quilting, or should I say, I’m still addicted. Even though phase two takes less time then I originally thought, it’s going to be tough because there are many patches that I need to redo. I find that discouraging because I have worked so long to make the patches as perfect as I can and now I have brought myself to need a greater level of perfection then I have. People have commented that since it’s my own personal quilt and I’m not reselling it, it doesn’t have to be perfect, but it does because of the amount of time I’ve put into it. I think maybe once this one is done I’ll make another one, maybe for sale or maybe a present, or maybe for goodwill or something. We’ll see.

This topic probably isn’t as interesting as I think is, I’ll pick another topic. (But don’t think you’ve heard the last of my quilting)

Last night was a disappointed television night. It was Thursday and was my much-anticipated night to watch tv. Will & Grace was new, which was good, and it had cowboys, which was also good. There was two episodes of My Name is Earl, one new and one not, but I hadn’t seen it before and was able to enjoy it as with the new one. There was no Four Kings, which was good, cause I’m not a huge fan of that show and I doubt that it will last long. But the kicker was that The Office was a rerun. It’s not like it was a rerun of this season, which would have even been good cause I haven’t seen that many of this seasons, but it was of last season of which I own the dvd of. And I was so excited about it being Thursday night tv night that I watched my dvd of The Office as a prep for the new show and had already seen the aired episode that day and three previous times before.

A previous blog probably discussed Grace being pregnant and I was shocked because I didn’t know whose baby it could have been. So I waited through the Olympics and eagerly watched the next Thursday’s episode that ended up being a rerun. After three weeks of not knowing who the father could be I grew anxious to watch the next new show. When the show was finally aired, Grace announced that it was Leo’s baby very causally as though no one should have expected otherwise. The thought that it was Leo’s crossed my mind but they have been divorced for a season and a half now and I thought there must be someone else in her life now. It’s Leo’s though and apparently they had sex on the plane to England (which I didn’t know). So I wasted anticipation on something that seems so obvious.

My new curiosity with My Name is Earl comes from last week’s episode of him going to his parents place. His parents seem like a very typical American couple. And they live in a typical suburb. So my thought is: if Earl’s parents are wealthy, why does he live in a hotel and where is this trailer park association from. Earl’s father bought him a mustang and without knowing it, he lost it. There is a bit of wealth shown there. Also, why does Earl’s brother Randy choose to live with Earl in his hotel rather then his parents in their typical American suburb? I guess the show needs to have angles and bring in characters. But too much doesn’t make sense for it to be believable. Also in last night’s episode there was a flashback to when Earl and Joey Lain (spelling) were married and she was pregnant. We know by watching the show that she is with Crabman and has two kids, but one is white and one is darker. So is the white boy living with Joey Lain Earls? And why doesn’t he take responsibility for him?

Anyways the time I have allotted to blogging is up. I should plan to get on with my day.

Not being a Jim

Last weekend I went to church and Jim Froese had the message. Jim is one of the leaders in the church that gives the messages some times to give the pastor a break. Heaven forbid that someone who only works on Sundays has to work every Sunday.

Jim’s message was about fearing men. He opened with a story about the ridiculing that he received when he was new from Mexico. Mennonites spent some time in Mexico as part of our journey and its common for them to move here and look very poor and conservative. Anyways he was made fun of and called a taco until he looked the English part and began to make fun of other Mexican Mennonites the same way he once was made fun of. Fun that Jim’s main point was to encourage the congregation to befriend people who are not like us, people who may need Christ in there lives. The punch line was that we were not meant to be like Jim or Peter (a biblical reference). He sent a dare and looked at us with a very innocent but assertive look as to say that this was our mission and we shouldn’t let him down. He stated that we should befriend people with a brow ring, coloured hair, who dress provocatively or people who’ve had an abortion. And he looks up with the same innocent/assertive glare. With these friends we should bring them to church. “Damn, I knew there was a catch to needed to befriend them”.

Many things about this caught my attention. I have been very critical of religion for a few years now and this seemed to be as good of any to be critical. My sister and I carried on that day mocking his message by asking each other and my mom about scenarios that Jim didn’t mention.
“If I convinced a friend to get his eyebrow pierced does he count towards my list of who to bring to church?”
“If I dress provocatively for church and I sit beside someone can they count me on their list?”
“Do I need to bring them to church? Or can I just befriend them?”
“Do they need to take their brow ring out for church or do they need to leave it in so they can see that I have accomplished the mission of bringing someone who needs Christ to church?”
And we would constantly point to people on the streets or in the restaurant and mockingly asked them if they wanted to go to church. I was comforted with her because I realized I wasn’t the only one who didn’t agree with our mission to bring everyone to church.

My first thought was: who is to say that this person with their eyebrow ring isn’t already a Christian and who am I to judge their faith? To be friends with them is one thing and I feel proud that I have mastered have a wide assortment of friends who by outward appearance aren’t Christian. Joey, one of my best friends has had an assortment of piercings and I feel that is a lame thing to judge him on, Craig also had an earring when I met him but that didn’t change how I looked towards him and I know many people, who by Mt. Salem standards, dress provocatively. It’s this notion that just because I am a Christian I am supposed to be holier then everyone who is not a Christian. It’s like an unwritten rule. Jim seemed to allude to it when he judged the people by their outward appearance and wanted us to bring them to church. We should be packing our own bags for Hell rather then judging on who is all going to hell. And I know about this unwritten rule because I’ve felt it myself. I’ve felt people within my own church giving me the treatment and my own friends who are holier then me actually giving me the ‘my church means more to me then you’ attitude. I was always a Christian and did my time praying, but yet people still thought I needed to be encouraged to know Christ.

And my second thought comes from that. I am supposed to bring people to Mt. Salem??? Please, I would go to a church I didn’t even know with people I was first introducing to church then to go to Mt. Salem. Not everyone there is bad, and it also comes from my shyness and inverted ness that I am a not best friend with the lot of them. But if I were to bring a friend to church I know that they’d be stared at and identified as the non-Christian and no one would say hi to them or acknowledge them. Our mission was to bring them to church because they are different then us, which is exactly what they would be. Different. Mt. Salem thrives on conformity and you can only be part of this clique if you dress like the rest, date within the church, and make Mt. Salem and Christ your whole life. I don’t want to bring people into a church like this and I hope that God forgives me for not saving that person with an eyebrow who is most certainly going to hell for it.

Jim mentioned befriending someone who’s had an abortion because he obviously feels very strongly about abortion being wrong and that person would be the greatest sinner of all. I agree that we need to be friends with everyone including the biggest sinners but bringing them to church the first sign of friendship probably won’t help the cause. To say I love you despite your past is one thing, but I have taken offence to his “I’m going to be your friend on the condition that I can take you to church and turn your life around.” My moms opinion of the service was not entirely positive either and I’m betting it was Jim’s use of the word abortion that might have upset her. “How dare we bring ourselves to their levels,” I can hear her and other overly conservative women saying. I’m not saying anything about my views of abortion but I am noting the inappropriate ness to it. He wanted to make a point, but other then that one, the characteristics we are supposed to be seeking out and befriending were all outer appearances. He could have mentioned gays or divorcees but didn’t. Are they still welcomed in church?

Well Jims a good speaker, he knows how to speak to people on a wide range of levels and has a good mix of humour and seriousness in his conversations, but I wasn’t particularly fond of this message. It’s Mt. Salem after all and I’ve moved on from that church and that way of thinking. I’m still a Mennonite and this is a very Mennonite way of thinking, but I’ll relate with your next message Jim.

Seeking Attention

The male race frustrates me and I wish I lacked the feelings to care. However, I care too much and probably always will. I’m not in the mood to date now but for some reason my heart seeks attention.

I had a weekend with Mike this past weekend and even though I claim that it is important that we stay friends I don’t realize what I am doing by trying. I should let him go, I broke it off with him and to show I was serious I should have walked away. But this weekend I had an interview in Mississauga and he was available to take me to it. It’s not awkward with us, we can chat about anything and everything. But then he reaches for my hand. What do I do? Do I hold his hand and smile showing that I am truly enjoying being with him or do I pull my hand away and indicate that I am strictly interesting in a friendship and we need to learn to get past the physical feelings we hold. The later sounds best and if I were stronger I’d do it. But I leave my hand under his because I don’t want to be harsh and give off the wrong message. I’m starting to see why being friends is wrong. I used to be fine with the benefits that come with being friends with your ex, but these benefits are fun for me because my heart isn’t still there. His is. Am I leading him on making him think that there might be something still between us? Why do I still cuddle with him when my mind is somewhere else? Do I feel obligated? Cause I shouldn’t. I wasn’t happy and I don’t want to slip into the mode of doing things for him when I what I’m doing isn’t making me happy. So I’m torn, but it will work itself out.

My second frustration is my friend Brian. Over the summer I was crushing on him, but I guess when he turned around and had feelings for me I ran. I think it should be expected, I run from a lot of men who might have feelings for me and it seems like I only go for the challenge. The first date I had with Brian was very awkward. He walked too close to me and wouldn’t take a hint that I was trying to walk away. He rested his arm on my leg when we sat and he pushed so hard that I couldn’t move my leg. And his playing footsies with me under the table felt like him kicking me, when I moved my feet he’d do it again. At that time my split with Mike was very new and Brian acted like we were dating and I shouldn’t have any feelings for Mike. And then at the end of the night he kissed me, it is the most awkward kiss I have ever had. Anyways six months later, six months after me giving him every line I can think of (most true though) about not wanting to get together he is still trying. I’m nice though, its not that I don’t want a friendship, but I don’t want to date him. So a bit earlier this week he asks if I wanted to get together this weekend, I said okay, cause maybe it’ll be different now. But I am notorious for backing out at the last minute. Anyways when I asked him what he had in mind to do he replies with a list and includes “causal relations.” What!!! NO!! Although I know he was sarcastic because he always is. However, I failed to see the appropriateness to that. So I ignored it to the best of my abilities, but then today he suggests we go hottubing. And he didn’t seem to want to give the idea up. The excuse I gave him was that I don’t feel comfortable around people in my bathing suit. I know I have nothing to worry about but that’s the thing, that’s why I don’t feel comfortable, especially around people like him. If he’s so crazy for me the last thing I want to do is sit in a hottub with him and go through his awkwardness practically naked. I ended up not doing anything with him today and avoided talking with him after his obsession with my hot tub and I.

My third frustration is with Jamie. Jamie is a guy I picked up the other weekend while in Goderich. He’s a friend of a friend so I felt it was safe. He gave me his number, which shocked me because I assumed that it was just a one-night thing and we don’t owe each other a phone call. Well I kept his number and after much debate and advice from friends I called him. Becky was disappointed when she heard of my pick-up. Out of all her male friends in Goderich the last guy she wanted me with was Jamie, but I didn’t see that nor did I know her reasons. Apparently he gets around and has lots of money with no personality. We would be three hours away and I didn’t see a friendship and much less a relationship so the reason for the number was unknown. Anyways we’ve been playing phone tag since I called him almost two weeks ago now. We get each other but it’s bad timing on someone’s part. He always asks how my day was though and I like that, he seems like he really wants to know and that means a lot to me. Anyways, he said that he would try calling me Friday night and would leave a message if I wasn’t home. It’s Sunday now and still no call. I shouldn’t care if he calls again or not, or I could even call him if I’m this concerned to tell him how my day was. And it’s only been two weeks that we’ve been playing phone tag and I might not even like him or his personality, but I’m caught up. And being caught up isn’t good, I don’t want to be and it’s not the time.

And then here I am waiting by the phone typing this blog and the new song from Faith Hill and Tim McGraw is playing on my computer. “and I’m still living with your goodbyes, and your still going on with your life. How can you just walk on by, without one tear in your eye, don’t you have the slightest feelings for me?” And I know that I don’t want a heartache or a relationship but still my heart wants the attention, it wants a reason to beat and a reason to blog.

it's about time...

I have worked hard on this blog within the past few months and finally I’ve achieved success. My goals in life are small…when they happen. When I met Mark and started reading his blog, I had this blog already but was inspired by him to write more and write with more of an audience. After deleting some over personal feelings about the way I felt for him I gave him my blog address and hoped he’d be a daily reader. I don’t remember how often he read it, but he told me it was written well and that I should start giving my address out, people would read it. My goal of impressing him worked for one day and my goal jumped to getting him to put my name in his “Friends Blog’s” link. It never happened and so I gave my blog to my brother thinking he might put my link in his list, but then I realized the other day that he doesn’t even read my blog frequently and much less remember that I have one. So then I was very excited today to see that I made it to Sarah’s list. I’m a “not-so-desperate.” I haven’t found out how to put links on my blog yet though. Thanks Sarah, you’ve made my day.

On note B. Rod and Corrine didn’t get the job in the Netherlands after all. Rod and Corrine are friends with my brother in law and therefore my sister and I adopted them as our friends. Well Thressa is a better friend with them both but because I live with them I’ve grown found of them both. Rod is a rocket scientist and was offered a job at the Netherlands Space Agency and has been waiting for close to a year for the word of when he can start. Originally the start date was January 1st but was pushed back a few times. Anyways this weekend they were supposed to come over for the night but didn’t after all because they were too depressed about not getting the job afterall. I would be too. They both have taken the past year off for maternity leave and have been stir crazy to get back into work and what better of an opportunity would they have then to spend a year or two in Holland. I am disappointed too because I was hoping to nanny for them. I feel for them though, this job searching thing is rough and I’m not even supporting a family. And how bad would that suck to be told that you didn’t have a job and then a year of having your tail pulled your told that it’s not happening after all.

On note C. I need you all to keep your fingers crossed for this job interview I had on Friday. I think it went well, however I didn’t get a negative nor positive vibe from him. I’m starting to think negatively but knew I felt confident there. He seemed like he was offering me the job but then mentioned that he had some more interviews to do. So I do have competition, however its not just him doing the interviewing and I think the other guys that run the show have some say. Hopefully I made a good impression with them. Well he noted that he will call me for a second interview if they choose me so I still won’t know if this job is forsure for another few days. I hate waiting for the phone call though and I’m not sure when I will know. So anyways ladies, please keep your fingers crossed for this job. Its about time I start earning my keep.

Dear Sarah

After reading your blog today I thought that I would rather address your issues in my blog then write about the list of items I have planned to write about eventually. It pains me to hear about your heartbreak but we all go through it and yes you will fall in love.

Sarah, is a blog-ger who has began reading and commenting on my blog lately and I have taken much encouragement from her positive notes and from reading how she has been and is going through much the same issues in life as I am. I think that women seek companionship and love while men seek security and fun. This is not always the case, but as for Sarah and I, I think it is.

Sarah, you will find love and it’s going to happen when you least expect it. People tell me that and I fail to believe them or I find myself expecting to meet someone because of such an unlikely place and because I feel like I’m not expecting anything. But what it is, is that when we aren’t expecting a relationship to happen or seeking one we have brought our hearts into contentment and have begun to meet our own needs in turn learning how to please ourselves making us seem pleased and enjoyable. It is also at this time when we are less concerned about starting something with a guy when he appears and then we place less pressure on the start of a relationship. If too much pressure is placed on a guy from the start and the women shows too much need the guy will run. Because A, I would run too and B, it seems to happen all the time with me. Now I’m not saying that you have it all wrong I’m just giving my opinion on the male race that we can’t seem to live without and am trying to suggest that you need to make yourself happy and be content with your life before a guy will come along. You are beautiful and the right guy will come along.

I myself have a hard time explaining the definition of love. Though my parents are still together, I am a victim of abuse and the love I did see growing up was directed at my brother who was the sick child and then later known as the comedian. The relationships I’ve had with boys and men have been merely crushes and I have endured hardships and mental pain to be with them, not from love, but from a need of companionship. The first time I knew I felt love was when my nephew was born and then again with my nieces. Plus I can say that I love my cat. But if that deep feeling of admiration and pure happiness is the same love that you feel with men who supposedly love, I’ve never felt it.

I know that the search for our ideal companion can seem very hopeless when we see relationships that we have envied fail. But we don’t see everything all the time and we don’t see the list of wants and needs that our fellow ladies have. Some men also just can’t provide us with our needs. Just because something we thought was perfect wasn’t, doesn’t mean that we need to give up our views of perfection. Don’t settle and don’t give up hope that your Prince Charming is out there.

I hope I’ve helped ease some thoughts.

Sincerely,
Martha

My Ode to Aylmer...

So I had a good time in Aylmer. I spend the past 10 days there helping my brother, doing an interview, and just hanging out with the family. As I noted in an earlier blog my brother is doing renovations to his upstairs and has needed more help then he realized. The process took much longer then anyone thought it would and wasn’t even close to having the walls back up on Saturday, the last day he had time to work on it. He had the week off of work and the next week he was working days and would be much too tired to progress much on his own. That Sunday he took some people that had helped him out to the Mancurian Restaurant. It was a nice thought, but I’m sure he could have saved some money if he went anywhere else.

One great thing about Aylmer is my niece. I can’t believe how cute she is, but she is her dad’s daughter so it should be expected. She’s funny and knows it. She gets all the attention she wants, and knows it. Her favourite words are “Daddy” and “what’s that” and she likes barking at dogs and cats. Her way of showing affection is by pinching. And when you show a sign of pain she’ll start to cry because she feels really bad about hurting you.
On the first day of the renovations Belinda had dropped Alexa off at the sitters and was helping us upstairs tearing apart the floorboards. After lunch she picked Alexa up and asked if my sister or I wanted to watch her. I agreed because of the four of us pulling out the floorboards I was obviously the weakest and thought that the job might get done faster if they loose the weakest rather then the strongest. Looking after a one year old isn’t as easy as it looks. I thought it’d be a good time to check my emails and jobsearch but it turns out that she devoured all my attention. She wasn’t happy playing with any little toy that I could give her. My other niece Ansleigh would have been however. Alexa wanted to be held constantly and then when Randy came down to do work she wanted him, but my job was to distract the baby so that Randy could actually get some work done. After two hours of her requiring too much attention and her being cranky because she hadn’t had her name yet I sat down by the tv hoping the colours would catch her attention. And it worked, she calmed down and rested her head very peacefully against my shoulder, I was tired too and laid back on the couch. Twenty minutes later just before I could close my eyes and take advantage of the peaceful baby Belinda, Randy and Joanne had came down for a break. Joanne told me that Alexa had fallen asleep and Belinda had taken her to her crib. So within two hours of deciding that a baby wasn’t worth the sleepless nights I realized it would be as she fell asleep in my arms. But do I want one of my own, well, I’m not sure yet, I guess its not only my call.

Of the first week at home four days were spent working on the house, one day was spent at the restaurant and the other two days were spent preparing for the interview. I was home in Aylmer for the reason of the interview but after hearing stories of this guy hosting the interview I kinda thought I should have rejected it. People thought the job description was odd and thought that the interview might be this guy promoting his course rather then filling a job. Tony, from the CCCA, a place where I worked one summer said that this guy, Mr. Jolly, was destined to be a used car salesman and for some reason got in hand in the environmental field. He told me that if I decide to take the interview he wanted to know what I thought of him. Way to make me feel confident in an interview Tony. Well after deciding that I should go to this interview with every intent to tell Mr. Jolly that I wasn’t going to enrol in his course, I went and an hour and a half later I came out of the interview. Apparently he was making a few teams of forestry technicians and was legitimately filling positions; the catch was though that the next phase of the interview involved passing his field class. I stated that I wasn’t willing to take his class if it meant that I might be offered a job in the end. If I have to pay $550 bucks for a course without the actual job offer I’m not going to do it. It’s not that I am weak and lazy; it’s just that I have a degree and if my degree isn’t good enough for him I’m not going to offer him the satisfaction of getting that extra cash out of me. I have a four-year degree and I’m not going to take an extra course because I think I may want to that. Nope, just doesn’t seem worth it. So even though I haven’t heard from him, I’m not even concerned for the response. I don’t want the job that bad and I’m not crazy working for a nutjob like that. It was an experience, good or bad I’m not sure about though.

Some other exciting events of the week were breakfast with Melanie Saturday morning and dinner and a movie with Will and Ani and their kids. Sometimes I get annoyed when the kids accompany my dates with Will and Ani. Those two are my favourite people to talk to and I take any chance I can to pick their brains about religion, dating, and our heritage that I can, but the deep talks are limited to their kids crying out for attention. But Andrea, Markus and Sammy are the kids where Precious Moments are taken from. The whole family is a picture of perfection and they make my dreams seem worth the wait. Monday, despite the fact that it was my first day after a busy first week to relax, I was extremely ill. I napped twice and spent the rest of the day taking turns lying on the couch, the bed, the floor and leaning against the wall or the chair at every moment I couldn’t be lying down. I hate being sick and I hated the feeling of swallowing a fork every time I tried to inhale. However I am feeling much better and excited to face the next few days. Today has been a good day, Thanks.

this is me walking away

Sometimes I think you are a dream. I think back to the amount I thought about you and the way I thought about you, but your thoughts have faded from the thought that my life would cease if you didn’t return the adoration. I thought the world of you and often thought you were the one God had made for me. But those thoughts have too faded. When I think back to my feelings for you I think about you as a dream I once dreamt.

You in fact were a dream I dreamt. In this dream we were engaged and determined to spend our lives together, we bought a house and I was best friends with your mom, sister in law and niece. And I was your best friend as you were mine. We encouraged each other in life, I helped you get into your passion of writing and you helped me with what I needed. You were there for me and we provided each other with great encouragement.

But you, the reader, and I know that this was all just a dream and some fabrication to what could have been. Also you, the reader, and I both know that he does exist and just merely a month ago I was broken in a million pieces. Although, your thought still crosses my mind, to me, to my heart you don’t exist. To my mind you are just a dream and events like seeing you in the hall at school, seeing you at church or knowing you are my brothers friend are just mere figments of my imagination. I could look you up in the yearbook, I could look at your blog or I could even ask how your doing but that would ruin my life again. I should admit your real, but I can’t. you were a great dream and I held on as long as I could to what could be. But that’s a dream that I’m slowly letting go of. It was the best dream I’ve ever had and you, Mark, are still a dream to me. A reason I wasted this perfectly good heart. I wish you didn’t exist, and I wish my heart wasn’t still waiting for you to come around.

I know that you, as a reader, are probably getting sick of reading about my pity heartbreak that could easily be eased by now, and in the same way I am sick of holding on to something that isn’t happening. But we all know that my life is at a standstill and until I move it forward I’m only sliding backwards. I don’t need to tell explain why I’m still lovesick for you, but I’m hoping you still care. This is me walking away, I told you I wasn’t good at it.

searching for gold and the pain to accompany it

It’s like finding gold or putting 20 years on your age. My brother Randy is doing renovations and has demolished the whole 2 flotor of his house. For the past two days my sister, Joanne, and I have been there since 7:30am to about 9 pm. The first day we cleaned out the wood that was in the room and then torn up the floor boards. After all the floor boards were taken out we had to level the floor by placing thin slips of wood on the beams. The house is so old that its either poor construction or it’s age. The next day was much of the same thing, levelling the floor and actually placing some plywood down. After levelling half of the floor we brought up some of the plywood, measured it and screwed it down. Randy and Joanne did the measuring, the chalk lining and the cutting. And guess what… I did the screwing. I wasn’t as good at first, I kept grinding the nail heads but then I got better at. It happens after doing it that many times. Anyways J the drill was very heavy and I did a lot of work on my knees. My body is very sore because of the effort I needed for the drill and from the previous day. This morning I have encountered a great number of things I can’t do without feeling pain. They include doing the morning stretch, walking, pouring hot water, drinking tea, sitting, resting my knees anywhere, typing and finally breathing. Last night I also discovered that I cannot climb on the counters like I used to, to find items in the higher shelves of the kitchen. This process requires a lot of pulling yourself up with the right hand placement and kneeing on a small rough service. But Randy’s house is starting to look like it has potential rather then something someone set on fire. It will be very nice, he’s putting three rooms upstairs plus a bathroom.

There has been some neat findings though while pulling up the floor board. First I found a newspaper from 1958, then a some school papers like a Arithmetic test and music notes with a Max Ferginson’s name on it (which I still want to look up but just haven’t yet) and then we found a note from the Department of Biology from what is know called the University of Western but wasn’t on the note. This note was an interesting find because it was dating 1906. Joanne wants to give it to the museum creator but I could care less about that lady and would rather frame it. Randy’s step daughter took it to school though so it might be in her hands too long to do anything with it. It’s like digging for gold working up there with no floor boards, can anything beat the 1906 note? There was some jot notes found about the Boston Tea party but it’s not dated and could be for a school assignment anywhere between 1906 and 1958.

Well the hour I have allotted to blogging today is up. Stay tune for blogs about my niece, my interview and my week (or maybe more) in Aylmer.

Martha

Finally it's friday

He said that his condition was getting worse but there was no timeline set. Meaning, I haven’t heard of a timeline set but eventually the cancer will overtake his life. Mike’s dad has had cancer for the past few years and even though it has been in remission for a while his condition is getting worse. As I talked to Mike today about it I noted that his dad seemed like he was in good physical condition, to which Mike replied, “well you haven’t seen him in a few months.” That’s right, I haven’t seen Mr. Gabert since October and it pains me to think that he has gotten so much worse within such a short time. I know I’m too sensitive about life and issues such as cancer but I’m sad for the family and I’m sad about loosing his stories. I should be cold about it, I shouldn’t care as much as I do but unfortunately I can’t be cold, it’s just not me, and my heart will always be immersed in subjects such as lost ones and relationships.

During a weekend in the summer Mike and I were spending a weekend in Waterloo. We arrived on Saturday and spent the day at his parents place. As the four of us sat on the deck, Mr. Gabert was telling me stories about the birds around the property. There had been a constant chirping and Mr. G had explained where the birds were, one was behind the barn, one was around the garden and another was under the deck but he hadn’t been able to see where the little bird was. So I listened as he talked, he talked a lot, Mike’s theory is that the cancer had such a toll on his brain that he needed to talk and be the centre of attention, he was always right and no one else could have imput. We got a long well, the parents and I. Mr. G talked, Mrs. G would stand there looking at me shaking her head as to say “I’m sick of his bull shit, why does he keep talking.” And I would sit/stand listening to Mr. G (not having a reason to say anything and I was perfectly happy with that) while giving the “I agree, I’m not really taking in what he is saying but merely humouring him” smile towards Mrs. G. Therefore I pleased them both while Mike was often in the other room watching sports on TV. So anyways about the weekend, eventually Mike and I went back to my place in waterloo for the night to go back to his parents again for the next day. Mrs. G was having a big German party and as the family we were supposed to be there. So as Mike and I were outside chatting with Sonya (Mikes sister) and Steve (her husband) Mr. G pulls me away and brings me under the porch where he points to a baby bird and says “look, I’ve found him but he’s dead.” I thought he was going to cry, or at least sniffle. It was a cute moment. Well I don’t mean to share stories as though Mr. Gabert is already gone but I just thought I’d share my favourite moment of him. Maybe in a future blog I’ll ramble on about Mike’s mom, she’s a unique lady as well.

So I was a little disappointed with The Office last night. I mean it started quite funny with a football being tossed around and then a hilarious tackle of Dwight knocking Ryan face first into the ground but this wedding planning at work and Jim being depressed kinda sucks. I mean, it’s entertaining but where is the comedy in planning a wedding. I am bitter, probably, I feel for you Jim, and PS I’m crushing on you too. I did like the speech and the way Dwight pounded his hands, very rhythmic. Although Michael was a jerk to leave during Dwight’s speech, but I guess that’s his character right, no one can take the attention away from him without needing to take it back. Another point about the office is why is Ryan’s character so important. He’s cute and humorous when he gets a line in, but out of the 20 people that work at Dunder Mifflin, he’s only the tempt. You know what I mean right. Why is he on the cover of the box set and has his name displayed at the beginning of every episode when he has less lines then other people who aren’t acknowledged. I think the main reason is that Ryan (BJ Novak) is actually a writer for the show and because is part of the office setting he gets mention. Even though I’m slightly disappointed with last nights airing I’ll still watch it. It’s one of the funniest shows I’ve seen lately.
Well I could go on for a lot longer about the birds and the bees and the job search and the boys and the toys but I’ll stop and leave something to write about next time. Thanks for reading and I hope my blog is entertaining.

Being lazy and addicted to quilting

Maybe I should make friends with the lady across the road. She’s old and I think her husband has passed away. She lives in a house across from me and her son lives in a house a diagonally from me but his drive way is attached to hers. Everyday she goes for walks and walks for about two kilometres, I try walking everyday but I get lazy, and I’m even youthful! If I were to guess her age I’d say 80ish. So what better of a friend to have; lonely like me, unemployed like me and lives right across the road. I’m shy though and haven’t needed or even wanted to approach her. But she walks everyday, me I walk when I feel like it, and that’s not often.

I feel that since I have all this time on my hands I should work out more. I was walking frequently but then it started getting cold again and instead of putting on more layers, I put the Sims on my computer. When I started writing in my blog again I played it less but since I’ve lost most of my inspiration to write I have not reason to start playing and when I start the Sims, it’s on all day. I like writing, but my writing skill has decreased and my blogs have gone from being informative and thought provoking (at least humour me) to a self-obsessed, whoa is me type reflection on life. There is no shortage of ways to work out here though. Tom has an exercise bike, Thressa has a stability ball and there is weights and exercise videos and books all throughout the house, plus how hard is it to clear a space for sit-ups and push-ups. I’m lazy, and if I was overweight I doubt I’d care to get off the pounds. I’ve often said that I’d workout, yes I’m just like the rest of the world, I can make promises to work out but they are empty.

As I’m sitting here I am waiting for a lead to call me back. He was just going to look over my resume and then give me a shout, which was a little over an hour ago. He sounded like a good lead but who knows, I’ve been there before too. It’s a brick wall one contact or another. Although this guys name is Dallas and I so desperately want to ask him what the possibilities are of meeting him at a roller skating arena are. See when I went to youth group a monthly activity was to go roller skating and one time my cousin Angie knew that I was crushin’ on this guy and she pushed me into him and out of the awkwardness of the situation I asked him if he wanted to skate during one of the couples skating, he said yes. So we skated. I was on cloud nine, Dallas was the first guys hand I held. It seems minuscule now, but everyone has their firsts. However, this man seems older and seems to have a position in his company that could not be achieved by a person only two years older then myself. So it’s not, and to not ruin this contact to the best of my ability I’m not going to ask him.