Seeking Attention

The male race frustrates me and I wish I lacked the feelings to care. However, I care too much and probably always will. I’m not in the mood to date now but for some reason my heart seeks attention.

I had a weekend with Mike this past weekend and even though I claim that it is important that we stay friends I don’t realize what I am doing by trying. I should let him go, I broke it off with him and to show I was serious I should have walked away. But this weekend I had an interview in Mississauga and he was available to take me to it. It’s not awkward with us, we can chat about anything and everything. But then he reaches for my hand. What do I do? Do I hold his hand and smile showing that I am truly enjoying being with him or do I pull my hand away and indicate that I am strictly interesting in a friendship and we need to learn to get past the physical feelings we hold. The later sounds best and if I were stronger I’d do it. But I leave my hand under his because I don’t want to be harsh and give off the wrong message. I’m starting to see why being friends is wrong. I used to be fine with the benefits that come with being friends with your ex, but these benefits are fun for me because my heart isn’t still there. His is. Am I leading him on making him think that there might be something still between us? Why do I still cuddle with him when my mind is somewhere else? Do I feel obligated? Cause I shouldn’t. I wasn’t happy and I don’t want to slip into the mode of doing things for him when I what I’m doing isn’t making me happy. So I’m torn, but it will work itself out.

My second frustration is my friend Brian. Over the summer I was crushing on him, but I guess when he turned around and had feelings for me I ran. I think it should be expected, I run from a lot of men who might have feelings for me and it seems like I only go for the challenge. The first date I had with Brian was very awkward. He walked too close to me and wouldn’t take a hint that I was trying to walk away. He rested his arm on my leg when we sat and he pushed so hard that I couldn’t move my leg. And his playing footsies with me under the table felt like him kicking me, when I moved my feet he’d do it again. At that time my split with Mike was very new and Brian acted like we were dating and I shouldn’t have any feelings for Mike. And then at the end of the night he kissed me, it is the most awkward kiss I have ever had. Anyways six months later, six months after me giving him every line I can think of (most true though) about not wanting to get together he is still trying. I’m nice though, its not that I don’t want a friendship, but I don’t want to date him. So a bit earlier this week he asks if I wanted to get together this weekend, I said okay, cause maybe it’ll be different now. But I am notorious for backing out at the last minute. Anyways when I asked him what he had in mind to do he replies with a list and includes “causal relations.” What!!! NO!! Although I know he was sarcastic because he always is. However, I failed to see the appropriateness to that. So I ignored it to the best of my abilities, but then today he suggests we go hottubing. And he didn’t seem to want to give the idea up. The excuse I gave him was that I don’t feel comfortable around people in my bathing suit. I know I have nothing to worry about but that’s the thing, that’s why I don’t feel comfortable, especially around people like him. If he’s so crazy for me the last thing I want to do is sit in a hottub with him and go through his awkwardness practically naked. I ended up not doing anything with him today and avoided talking with him after his obsession with my hot tub and I.

My third frustration is with Jamie. Jamie is a guy I picked up the other weekend while in Goderich. He’s a friend of a friend so I felt it was safe. He gave me his number, which shocked me because I assumed that it was just a one-night thing and we don’t owe each other a phone call. Well I kept his number and after much debate and advice from friends I called him. Becky was disappointed when she heard of my pick-up. Out of all her male friends in Goderich the last guy she wanted me with was Jamie, but I didn’t see that nor did I know her reasons. Apparently he gets around and has lots of money with no personality. We would be three hours away and I didn’t see a friendship and much less a relationship so the reason for the number was unknown. Anyways we’ve been playing phone tag since I called him almost two weeks ago now. We get each other but it’s bad timing on someone’s part. He always asks how my day was though and I like that, he seems like he really wants to know and that means a lot to me. Anyways, he said that he would try calling me Friday night and would leave a message if I wasn’t home. It’s Sunday now and still no call. I shouldn’t care if he calls again or not, or I could even call him if I’m this concerned to tell him how my day was. And it’s only been two weeks that we’ve been playing phone tag and I might not even like him or his personality, but I’m caught up. And being caught up isn’t good, I don’t want to be and it’s not the time.

And then here I am waiting by the phone typing this blog and the new song from Faith Hill and Tim McGraw is playing on my computer. “and I’m still living with your goodbyes, and your still going on with your life. How can you just walk on by, without one tear in your eye, don’t you have the slightest feelings for me?” And I know that I don’t want a heartache or a relationship but still my heart wants the attention, it wants a reason to beat and a reason to blog.