better days

I have so many things I want to say, but lack the strength to finish a sentence. For example; Apparently he thought I was excellent and he liked me so much, but he went with a different person for the job. And then I’m stuck being depressed again and I know I shouldn’t be and I know that I clearly wasn’t good enough for the job and someone was better and I should let them have the job and be happy for them and as I waited for this guy to call me to offer me the job I thought about someone being more deserving them myself. Like what if someone that they interviewed had been unemployed for nine months and I’m only going on month 7, clearly they are more deserving, but yet I fail to see it that way and I feel that my seven months of hell is enough to guarantee me a job. I don’t know how to sell myself and as a good Mennonite I never will be. I am humble by faith but and fucked by the same faith.

And the car that want so badly now just drove past. And I thought that the black looked the best but that was dark blue and still looked great I guess the dark aqua looks good too but always planned on the black. And theres another thought. Not getting this job means not getting this car or least without the hassle of knowing where my next payment will come. And I’m upset about not getting something I didn’t really even want. My dad didn’t even trust me with the riding lawnmower but yet I’m supposed to trust myself with a car?

And why is there a half eaten bird on the stairs outside my house? It looks like a chicken but the last one that died was a few weeks ago now and why would an animal be carrying it around this long? It’s white (or once was) like a chicken but it’s one claw that was left attached to the body is smaller then the chickens normally are and I can’t think of a white bird that would be that big just hanging out around here. The biggest birds that are here eating from the feeders are doves and blue jays and the red bellied woodpecker but none are white and their normal body size are the size of the piece of whatever bird that was eaten by whatever animal left it there. And I think about my cat and how he would leave a dead mouse for me to see and as a present for me but I don’t think that is the reason for this bird to appear on my steps now. And I miss my cat

I’m sorry you’ve read my rant and I’m sorry that I’m upset and depressed and dwelling on my pain. But if I can’t express myself here, what’s the point of ever expressing it. But don’t worry, my door frame and my window heard more of my ranting then you have and thankfully I’ve calmed down and my eyes have stopped hurting and I can maybe sit on the couch and watch tv and maybe actually get dressed today. And maybe tomorrow will be better.

And I’ll leave you with my don’ts for today and maybe I’ll write the corresponding Do’s tomorrow.

-Don’t drink a beer while in the hottub, it only makes you go pee and makes you get out sooner then you planned.
-Don’t tell me I was excellent and you really liked me and in the same sentence tell me that you are sorry but you offered the job to someone else.
-Don’t place your happiness in the hands of a guy named Mark. (Second strike and I’m sorry if that’s your name, but that’s the way the deck was shuffled)
-Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, put them in different pockets so that they don’t hit together and break.
-Don’t listen to sad songs that you can relate to, listen to wonderful songs that I you want to relate to.
-Don’t drink three alcoholic beverages before you’ve eaten anything, I’m assuming it can’t be good for you.