you go to Ottawa

Picture planning a trip to Ottawa, you spin through the rolodex of friends who you’ve created there and determine who you want to see again and who don’t need to. One, your best friend, however, you find out he’s going to be in Europe (yet another exotic trip this year) while you are going to be there and two, the hottie you lived with before leaving O-town.

You send the appropriate emails out and make the calls, but the one you want to see most, the hottie, isn’t around or doesn’t reply.

You try and try and try again to talk to him, but his cell is off and no one seems to be picking up at home and the last email you received from him was back in January. So then you remember previous chats with him, he was depressed about a year back and almost committed suicide. Not knowing whether he’s fallen back in those shoes again you come to the conclusion that he has, so you contemplate him having done it and you wonder whether you really want to know or not.

The thought bothers you so much that you call his work. But the dagger in your back turns more as the guy on the other end of the phone has no idea who you are asking for. You explain who you are looking for more and the guy on the phone talks dumb to you, as though your world is not crumbling down at your feet and the realization of his non-existence takes one more bit at your soul.

You realize you do love him. Maybe not the way that you’ve been in love before, but now a trip to Ottawa isn’t worth the drive if you don’t get to see him, and you dread a job offer if you have to live with the constant reminder of what you left assuming you’d see him again.

So you call his dad, but the conversation is awkward and you manage to get your name out before it sounds like his phone has hung up and you hang up yours in confusion and realize that might not have been the case. But the dad would have said something about him, if he wasn’t alive. Rather then the “no he’s not around now can I tell him who’s calling.”

So he’s alive. You aren’t surprised, but you still have to wait for the message to be passed along and wait for him to get back to you. He could be super busy and may not want to be bothered with a cell phone any more. How often do you call his dad or when do you call his dad again?

You sit at your office doing a mindless job wondering about him. You have to blog about it and when you are done the blog you realize your talking in third person or describing a situation as though you are going to be in it and there might be some advice to give, but there’s not. I’ll keep you posted with what you do next, but you don’t know right now. And a tear falls and your thoughts continue to scrabble.

You really miss him.