Strawberries

thoughts of my childhood in the country rush back to me. Never had i expressed a desire to live in town, however, my grown up lifestyle has forced me into suburbia and I settle.

But there as i was driving home from work I saw the greatest sign: "Pick your own, 8-8." I rushed home, invited my roommate and ran to change my outfit. then we were off. I drive through the Ottawa green belt every day for work, but standing in rows of green tickled my deepest fancy. We bought our 2 litre baskets and we were off.

I just ate a piece of heaven i explained as I savoured a fresh as can be strawberry. It's surreal thinking that as i sit in my Ottawa townhouse that i actually just went out and picked strawberries today.

I can't wait till blueberries start. I'm so glad i know the joys of picking fruit.

Pictures

What do you do with pictures of your ex? It’s not like you look at your pictures everyday. I mean, you put the framed ones and the gifts he gave you in a box because the constant reminder hurts. But pictures are pictures; they are the things you don’t often get rid of.

I was just looking through my photos searching for pictures to display on my wall and I came across some of him. My favourite picture of us appeared first. I stared at it for a while and the memory of that morning came to me. I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and hair when he walked in and asked me if he looked okay. Normally he was too vain (as the ladder pictures imply) but he looked good, really good and shockingly I admitted it.

But the next few pictures are just of him and I don’t need them anymore. Do I mail them to him, for some reason people like giving other people pictures of themselves so if I’m about to throw them out, would it be wrong to mail them to him? I’d kinda be offended if he mailed me pictures of me. Like “oh, you don’t want pictures of me anymore? I’m not good enough for your picture collection?” But he asked me to take the photos of him, he’s posing in 6 of 7 photos of him and if I’d put that much pride in a picture I’d want it.

I understand more now why I didn’t like seeing pictures of his ex’s. I didn’t look at these with desire and regret for ending it, but memories of once was fluttered through my mind and thoughts of him came back with a vengeance. The picture is of us at dinner the first time he met my friends. We had wings.

I don't want his memory gone, it's just weird to see the pictures.

From the Sue

I'm writing from Sue Saint Marie. i know I spelled the whole town name wrong but I fail to see the actual spelling anywhere in the library i'm sitting in and to avoid conversation and the facade of being dumb, i'll refrain. I'm in the Sue for a leadership training for my new job. It's a week long vacation with leaders from all across Ontario. I have a hour and a half before the library closes so i thought i'd blog out of bordem/excitement/the addiction and the need i feel i have to blog.

I'm shy and i wouldn't be the first to agree to go on trips like this but i didn't think i had the option. but i'm here and having a good time. The drive took about 8 hours plus the 2 that i took to get to the location where i was meeting up with two other leaders to carpool. It seems like a long drive to get to a place like this for something as simple as H&S meetings and the other training that is needed. I'm having a good time though, the other leaders here seem great and it's nice to share ideas and sort out what's going to have to happen over the summer.

I of course moved to Ottawa for this position but like i said there are positions all over ON. The leader from the Aylmer crew is here and is actually a friend from highschool. I had wondered about him a little while ago. I even blogged about my thoughts of meeting up with him 10 years after liking him. I had such a crush on him and he ended up actually dating a friend of mine, but friends go before a guy though right and i let him out of my life. But you always wonder what people from highschool are up to. Well M's here and we've actually hung out and kept each other company here and there. He's engaged now and is actually in Geography at Guelph U. He has been dating his woman now for 6 years and just proposed two weeks ago. They will be waiting until he's graduated though (in about 2 years) before they actually get married. I'm kinda happy for him, but a little jealous of her because he is quite hot now and seems very down to earth.

Exciting point two of this week. On monday I drove two hours to meet with two other leaders to carpool to the Sue. The boss that one of the leaders has is actually the leader that i had when i was a Ranger 8 years ago. I was sentimental and was a bit dissappointed when he didn't seem sentimental in return. However, it wasn't as though he wasn't sentimental, but probably was never as attached to me as i was to him. He was my leader after all and it goes without saying that the kids will always be the ones who get attached to their authorities. Well you know what i mean. So it's not like he doesn't care about my achievements, it's more so that it's not as big of a deal to see me as it is for me to see him. Apparently he did explain to his crew leader that i was his Ranger and he did tell my boss that as well, but as for the hug and the girly catch up sessions, it wasn't what i had hoped for. (Note to self: start making sense in your blog and quite babling on and on about the insignificant things in life.)

A downfall to my week though is that I share a bathroom with the room next door and today (the third day) I was locked out for the second time. The thing is that when the other person is in there, they can lock your door from the bathroom so that you can't walk in on them. It's like having two doors in the bathroom, of course you locked them both. But My bathroom roomie keeps forgetting to unlock my door and leaving me in a pickle about how to use the bathroom. The first time was at night when she was no where to be found. I needed to go pee and brush my teeth but i had no way of getting in ( i was cranky) and the second time happened today when the girl was sleeping and i didn't want to wake her. I ended up going to my friends bathroom on the other side of me, but a different bathroom is never as good as your own.

I'm having a great week though and have many more stories to share. I will save them though for a different time. Soon the gathering of leaders will start and the partying will begin. (oh who am i kidding? I won't be doing much partying.)

I hope everyone is well. I'll write again soon

~m~

What happened to the turkeys

My story begins last Thursday. My sister went to close the chicken coop and came back to report her frustrations with the one turkey still not in the coop for the night. It happens sometimes, the one turkey will be back but the other is still wondering the forest until you call her back. I went out with P that night and when I came back T had told me that the turkey hadn’t come back at all.

The next day there was a note on the counter asking if I could go look for the turkey. And I thought ‘was I not on the same page? I’m not expecting to find her alive after night with the coyotes.’

I walked through the woods to places I knew where the turkey liked to go. I was getting lost and hearing weird noises and wanted to get back to the house. It’s just what happens in the wild but I couldn’t handle walking into the carcass of one of my buddies or one of its successors. I found nothing.

The following few days brought talk of the butchering and which neighbours also lost chickens to foxes and coyotes. Now that the one turkey is gone it only seemed fair to butcher the other: to ease her heartbreak and to recover some meat that they had hoped to get when buying the five turkeys so long ago.

The butchering happened Sunday. The day before I left. It seemed rather appropriate to eliminate my major chore. I knows I’m sensitive and noted that I didn’t need to help. I wanted to go down eventually and get a closure on the turkeys and chicken but while I was preparing lunch T came into the kitchen to wash the meat. They were meat, that’s all that’s left of my buddies; their meat and their memories.

One time I was walking towards the coop, the two turkeys were across the lawn. As I walked to the coop the turkeys saw me and ran happily over to me. And then sometimes when I was outside near the coop, the one would often come and stand by me.

Side note: Apparently on butchering day the remaining turkey was also killed by whatever killed the other but my brother in law caught the action in time and was able to retrieve 80% of the meat.

it's just good house keeping... learn it

I’m not the person who should preach about how to keep their house clean. But with 7 months of not living in a dirty student house I’ve grown accustomed to dishes done and the counters clean. It was me who cleaned, but it was my job, it was to deserve living there. But I shouldn’t have to be the one to clean up here.

When I moved here I had just finished a 5.5 hour drive and I was willing to take the first place that was decent. My room is small but I’ll be working and not planning on spending much time in here. I’m a subleaser, but yet I am disgusted how this place looks. I didn’t notice how dirty it was/is until I unpacked my stuff and considered myself settled in. But I’ve done all the dishes twice now and wiped the counter that looked like it hadn’t been wiped since they moved in.

This is how you people live? A is a complete princess. She talks to who she wants to when she wants to and sleeps all day. When I moved in my other roommate explained how A is in the bathroom for a really long time every day. L, the other roommie, even explained that she’s taken her stuff from the upstairs bathroom into the gross mainfloor bathroom because she never has time to get ready in the upstairs bathroom. And that’s fine with you???? I don’t get how someone so high maintance doesn’t care about her environment and rather just the fact that she’s wearing all the possible make up and that her clothes are cleaned five times a day.

You people stress me out. How can you not own a broom when you live sans vos parents. What did they teach you? How to hog the bathroom for two hours a day and toast bread and spread peanut butter on it?

I’m sorry, maybe she didn’t have parents and was never told how to do cleaning, like my mom. She used to say “Well, Martha, at least you have a mom who does half the chores for you. My mom died so young and I was always cleaning up after your three uncles.” At which point you feel really bad about ever wanting to play with the neighbour girls and having a social life. How do you explain that to your friends ‘my mom had to do all the chores when she was my age cause her mom died so she wanted to give me the guilt trip to compensate for her sadness.’

Enough about my mom and my upbringing. I’m not going to be your mom, so clean up yourself (although I will clean up after you because I dislike your mess).

I got a full two hours of sleep last night and am wide awake now. I must have too much on my mind or had too much of that café latte last night. But it’s Friday and work will soon begin and soon end.

Another first day

Questions of inadequacy and competence overcome me as I talk with my boss and meet the people in the office. I’m supposed to be the Team Leader but yet I still continue to hind behind my shyness. I know nothing about anything and I fear the hatred that the Rangers may possibly feel towards me. And I know that’s worst case scenario, no one that I know of really hates me, per se.

But work was great, the people I’m working with seem nice and it seems like I’ll get along with everyone. My boss and I had a few good talks and we are both easy to talk to so that seems great and reassuring. He stressed though that he’s a bit anal about productivity and about the papers being stapled very neatly together (seriously, that’s one of his pet peeves.) I know I’ll annoy him with some things, he seems like he may be easily annoyable. It’s not that I’m a bad worker, but I feel I’m the type of person who needs more guidance and direction then I should in my position. I’m the leader remember, I’m supposed to lead.

I also have concerns about my driving ability. Although after buying a car and driving on the 401/403/QEW and driving up to Ottawa I feel I’m not a bad driver and every start of the car is better then the one before. But, as my boss and I are about to leave for a meeting at another office he points towards the car I will be responsible for driving the kids around in. Originally I was going to be driving around a four-door dodge pick up truck. I’m fine with trucks, I learned how to drive on a truck and I was hoping my need for a truck would be compensated with the company vehicle and I could mentally justify buying a car. I love my car though, but I wasn’t prepared for the vehicle I am assigned to. I get a larger vehicle because driving my four rangers around in a truck may be too cramped and so I get to drive around a three year old no longer used cop car.

Lets talk about that. A cop car. A boat just like my moms Lumina that I never succeeded driving. And do you know how fast those things can go? Very, I’m assuming, so if I’m not careful (knowing how heavy my foot is normally) I’m going to be in big trouble. And it’s a boat; a big car that I’m not going to be able to park, back up, or change lanes successfully. The car would be cool, I mean, it’s gotta be comfortable, those police seem to sit in there car a lot so why wouldn’t Crown Royal make that line with nice seats. But in regards to the other benefits, the speed counter thingy, the cage, the criminal locks, they are all gone. I was looking forward to using those.

I know what you’re thinking though. It was my first day and I need to relax and it will all be fine, but I’m a notorious for bracing for the worst-case scenario. It’s all better if you expect the worst, the worst never happens. I’m excited for this job, it sounds great. May more stories to come and many reports that I will be writing will be posted.

Yeah for working.

The first full day

So I didn’t sleep well. That’s not really news, but now I’m really tired and have a bad headache. It’s 7:40 pm and I’m ending my day with a plate of sidekicks spaghetti and tomatoes. (Not as good as the meal could have been).

My first full day of Ottawa has been good. I started it with some tv and then my roommate and I went into the downtown core of Ottawa. I’m in the outskirts and about a half an hour bus ride from there. My plan was to go downtown or go to Manotick, the town I’ll be working with, but my roommate made up her mind to go downtown. After we get to downtown I realize that she doesn’t even have any plans for downtown and just felt like an adventure or something. But it was good this way, she has plans for tomorrow and I’m free to do whatever I want and stay in Manotick for any length of time.

Ottawa is great, I’m sure you’ve been here and if not, now is a good time to come. The beaver tails are great (a desert thing that they love to make and eat here) and the buildings are fabulous. Going to the downtown core only seemed appropriate for my first full day here but I’m ready to start work now.

So today is a month till my birthday and I sit here alone in my room imagining big things for that day or the following weekend. I miss you already and wish you were here, pathetic I know.
I’ll keep you updated, still have more stories to tell but they are for another day.

last blog from Hamilton

This is my last blog from Hamilton. I thought I’d blog one last time before I pack my computer into my very full car. I’m off to Ottawa tomorrow morning for a three month job for the Ministry of Natural Resources. I’m excited about ending my 9 month unemployment phase. Although I don’t want to do this anymore, I don’t want a contract job I want a job to last for a year or so.

Alas, I’m off to Ottawa tomorrow morning. I’m no longer avoiding you or making excuses not to be with you, I’m just no longer here. And when I’m back, I won’t see you and I’ll no longer think about you. I’m not going to let my mind be bothered by you and I need this. I need to go away and experience freedom, adventure and maturity. I’m excited to start anew. It’s been exciting so far.

I’ll blog again, and because I still have a few days before I actually start, I’ll probably be blogging again shortly. The past few days have been very bloggable but my addiction to the Sims and my need to pack have gotten the better of my time. I’ll begin to blog about my adventures working and in Ottawa for all those interested in what I do and interested in my safety.

Happy reading… brb.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

The Good: Phase two of my quilting process is now complete. It took much longer then expected. I thought if I sew it together one way it’d take 6 weeks max. However, I’ve been in phase two of my three phase quilt since March 24 and phase two has seen a lot of upsets, a lot of happy smiles from the progress and has been put on the shelf for a few months as I thought that the only person in the world who could fix my problem was my mom. Alas, I was the one who fixed it and am excited about phase three. But this is all boring for you so I’ll move on and just clarify that my point was that I am done the top layer of my quilt. Applause please.

The Bad: I realize that I bought way more forest green then I needed. I still need to buy more blue but I’m not ever trusting the book about how much fabric to buy again. I have an excess of green, blue and yellow that I’ll probably never need. I have so much green that I will be using it in my next quilt. Yes I said that right, I’m planning my next quilt already due to the fact I have sooo much green. And the blue I can use a bit later with the finishing touches, but the yellow unfortunately not. So the bad is that I have too much fabric and I have to plan a new quilting project to use it up.

The Ugly: I’m not calling my quilt ugly at all. What is ugly is that I messed up the placement of two rows of patches so instead of the yellow squares pointing one way, they point one way for four rows but then they point the opposite way for the next two rows. And now I’ve sewed the three borders on and taking it apart now would be very critical to my quilt making ability, knowing that my quilt was done and I was stupid enough to have to take it apart after all that work. So I’m leaving it that way. It’s not bad but it looks unintentional and it’s very noticeable. But it’s my first quilt so I shouldn’t beat myself up about it’s flaws.

It’s done though, the sewing machine part is done and now when I can afford the baton I will begin the actual quilting part. The weight lifted is unbelievable.

dreaming

Since I’ve purchased my car I’ve dreamt about driving and not in the good driving sense. In my dreams I’m constantly swerving and trying to avoid cars. As hard as I try I can’t get these dreams out of my head and I lay there getting sick of my own self inflicted motions. After a night at my parents place, trying to make conversation with my mom I explain these dreams to her.

“You’re scared of something,” she says.

“Umm,” I say knowing full well that I’ve always been scared of driving. I’ve always blamed my fears on the deaths of friends who’ve lost their lives behind the wheels. I’m from Aylmer and it seems more common there then anywhere else. So yes, I agree with you mom, I do fear and as all my readers know, I’m petrified of the possibilities and outcomes of driving.

Sunday while going to lunch with my brother, sister, mom and dad, my newly 17 year old brother started talking about his experiences driving and his far too idealistic ways that he’ll be able to drive. Then at a key moment, making everything in my life make sense, my dad says to this young driver. “You’re probably going to smash the car up when you start to drive.”

“Ouch” you say. “Harsh!” others exclaim. Yes and yes. You can tell me I have nothing to worry about and I just need to take some time to get used to the road. True, but as I take my time getting used to the road I have to ignore all the “you’ll just smash the car up…” and the “remember don’t go too fast” lines that I got as a new driver.

~~

Since my realizations that my dad’s psychological abuse still controls my life, I have almost mastered driving. I know longer hate to drive and actually enjoy the 401 and the 403 on the non-busy times of the day. Its all part of growing up I guess: The driving and the running away from daddy’s words of wisdom.

Aylmer

Aylmer is kind of crappy town. I went to A dot this past weekend because I needed to pick up some mail and my boxes of stuff I’m taking up to Ottawa with me. My insurance documents came today and that was the most important thing I went home for.

Aylmer, though, is like any other small town. We have the typical key people and the typical banks and pharmacy stores. But when you blame your social life on your location you realise that since high school you’ve only kept in touch with a small group of people. And now you sit at you dining room table contemplating who to call and what to do. Renting a movie sounds like a good idea but you want out of the house rather then a reason to stay in for another 2 hours. And then you realize unless you have a ton of friends you’re bound to have a few boring nights and it’s these boring nights that you curse the town.

I declined from the Stag and Doe I was invited to. I should have gone though since I seem so eager to make friends and reunite with old high school buddies. However my apathy grows for anything to do with Aylmer. If you didn’t care about me in high school I’m not going to reach out and try to get you to like me now. I feel like there is more to this world then my kitchen table and cat but I don’t feel like discovering it now.

I think about calling old friends up when I’m home. I miss Natasha and think she’d be interesting to chat with but calling her mom for her number seems nerve racking because her mom was only living with some guy and who knows if they are still together. Although the odds are favourable that they are still together but of course I fear the worst while communicating with the guy. (He could yell at me and scar me from calling other people). And I also think about Shannon. I’ve driven past her place a few times recently and I’ve noticed a different name on the mailbox. They liked London so much better anyways I’m sure they moved back there. Although I looked for her dad’s name but the closest I got was her mom’s. And what does that all say?

And I wonder if anyone thinks of me. Like if anyone has googled my name. Nothing comes up, I’ve checked. But have I made an impact on anyone? Maybe to avoid these boring nights I should plan more before I come. However that involves planning and that’s never been my strong point.

Everyone has a hometown and I’m sure everyone has drifted from who they were and what their live involved way back then.

Big people buy cars

“Big people buy cars,” Soleil says as I tell her about my decision that one day I will be a car owner. It’s scary, there are so many considerations when buying a car. But that was before the job offer when I was still able to dream about driving and not actually have to.

So ya, with the job offer came the car. I’ve talked about getting a car for a while now and have had several different cars in mind. But now that it’s all said and done I am the owner of a 1995 Nissan Sentra.

As a very inexperienced driver, every stroll is an adventure. I put in gas for the first time ever. I’ve been at a gas station before but it was full serve and the only thing I had to do is give them my card. Left turns are still scary too. Like when I was trying to get from the hwy to my road I had to wait for a while. But I sat there for a few minutes and every space that passed me I said, “oh crap, I could have gone” and every little “oh crap, I could’ve gone” makes me more nervous and disappointed with myself because there was a lady behind me. The last thing I want to do is make other people annoyed with my driving. I am getting better though.

Stay off the road though I’m still driving.