the term failure...

I’m not going to admit defeat, but some days it seems easier then persevering. The term failure seems to love me these days.

Issue One: My Quilt
If I was a professional quilter I’d know all the little tricks to making it perfect but because I’m not I can’t even get close to perfection. My last strip of 5 patches ended up being much shorter then the other strips and so I have to find some way to make it long while finding ways to make the other five strips line up. It’s very complicated and if I had thought about everything ahead of time then I would have done everything differently. I’m too eager to see progress and am not worried about the finial product as much as I should be. If I knew making a quilt would be this complex I wouldn’t have attempted it or maybe I would have and I would still do it, but knowing that it’s very complex.
I keep making goals, for the long term, for the day and for the week. I don’t know how long I expected it to take me but I’m nowhere near any of the goals I’ve made. Every process that I plan to take a day it actually requires three days of work that I didn’t envision. So now my goal of getting the top fully completed for this next weekend is pushed back a week and my fusteration has risen to an all time high with the little details I now know I should have done weeks ago.

Issue two: my car
Today was supposed to be a car-shopping day. Yes, I’m that close to actually buying a car that there was a day set aside to look at them. I called Tyler to see if he’d take me. Tyler is my brother-in-law’s son who is 22 or something but has been fixing and remodelling Honda Civics for about 8 years now. He dropped out of school early and has been spending most of his time and money souping up cars. Who better to ask right? Well last minute he told me that he has a baby Christening to go to and wasn’t sure if he could make it. I’m assuming by his presence here that he couldn’t make it after all. I hope the people that I called don’t mind me not showing up.
So then now I have to rearrange my plans, Honda Civics seem to get sold really fast and I’m sure that by the next time I have a chance to see some they will all be sold. *Sigh* Mayve it’s a sign, I’m not meant to have a car. Which leads to my next issue.

Issue three: My job.
Maybe I’m just not meant to have a job. If I can’t get the same job I had last summer because I’m not qualified for it then how am I supposed to beat out the competition of a job which I haven’t done before. It was a quick blow to the head hearing that I didn’t qualify for my previous position and I’m left with thoughts of inadequacy. I mean if there were restrictions on that job like I had to be a student or I could only have it one year then this rejection wouldn’t be as hard. But guess what… there were no restrictions and I thought and was told by former CVC employees that I’d be a surefire in. But I’m not… because I am not qualified for this year. I think it is actually a personal thing. I think if she liked me she’d give me an interview at least and if there were other more quailified people that beat me in the interview people I’d have no choice but to move on. But I don’t even get an interview. I could rant longer but I’m sure you no longer care about my job searching troubles and am tired of hearing about this depressing time for me. So life goes on and now I’m left to keep plugging away at this process.

a blurb of my almost exciting day in Hamilton

I left the house today and as I sit here in the food court of a dowtown Hamilton mall drinking my tea and waiting for the slightest bit of motivation to hit I have decided to write. I was reading my new book The Independent Woman’s Guide to Life and checking out mean when I realized I’d rather be writing about my findings then reading. This adventure is as good as it gets these days and I should write about it and read later.

So like I said, I’m in the downtown part of Hamilton. When you look out one set of doors you can see a very run down area, but on the other side of the mall you can see blocks and blocks of wealthy high rise buildings containing banking offices and the like. And the mall is a conglomerate of both types of people. It makes looking around hard. In one regard looking towards the less fortunate could lead to a communication of some sort; either a desire for my money or a desire for my company. But at the same time I don’t want to miss the opportunity to spot a hottie. I picked the food court and a no name coffee shop to avoid the Timmies line up and the crowded excuse they call their eating area. I’m much happier here and I should boycott timmies more often considering my dislike for the corporation and my past employment. I paid $1.35 for my medium tea but would have paid the same for any other size. Finally a coffee shop that makes sense and is expensive because they need the money rather then the need to rip people off.

The Dollarama just opened its doors meaning it’s either 9 am or 10. About the time I’d get up and begin to think about my ‘To Do’ list. I was wrong, It’s 9:30 but anyways I am assuming the library is open and I can leave the food court. I enjoy writing about the people here but the man who just grabbed the table beside me looks like he just work up and the people he was begging from the night before gave him too much booze. I don’t mean to sound rude but I gotta protect myself in the only way I know how: avoid the conflict by ignoring people.

… ...

I was in town because I was asked to complete a “Return to work Action Plan” from the hrdc office in town. This event happened after lunch when my sister was available to take me from the mall to the hrdc place. This was an event that almost brought me to use my aggressive argumentative side of me. As I got to the place, I was told that I needed to go to a different office and in order to get my action plan I needed to make an appointment. But because I am in town so infrequently I walked to one of the offices where I was supposed to go (but with an appointment) and prepared myself to be very aggressive in order to bypass this whole appointment system. I walked in and told them my situation. “I was asked to get a Return to work action plan and I was asked to get one ASAP for a possible interview.” After some resistance to say “fine” and walk out he said that he’d take me through the process over his lunch. What a great guy. It almost seems like my meeting with a HRDC employee was a waste of time because apparently I’m just having bad luck and bad timing with my offers. Anyways more about that meeting is sure to appear in a upcoming blog, I’m writing it in my head as I am writing this blog.

I managed to find my way to find my way to another mall where I walked around and realized I couldn’t afford to purchase anything let alone dream about the new fashions. I had lunch there and figured out the bussing system to get back to the other mall. I have noticed that Hamilton is a very diverse city filled with the fortunate (who weren’t on the bus with me) and the less fortunate who were. The hour bus ride was along Main/King line and drove past many run down buildings and homes while in the background and larger and wealthier buildings were spotted.

The big cities are so much different then in the country and I gain a new appreciation for my location with most trips.

but wishing it was thursday

Well after a few key phone calls, an hour in the hottub and a blog that didn’t post I am at ease with my recent yet most heartbreaking job rejection. And after hanging up the phone with a key contact I flipped through the Readers Digest and for some reason turned to the “Quotable Quotes” section. Who knew that those dumb actors and actresses would know what to say to cheer me up. (Truthfully I’m drunk and can find happiness in any phrase or quote after the third beverage.)

“No good movie is too long and no bad movie is short enough” Roger Ebert.
“Gossip is just news running ahead of itself in a red satin dress” Liz Smith.
“They say everybody gets 15 minutes. I hope I’m just inside the first minute and the next 14 go really slow” Terrence Howard.
“Making a movie is like moving a piano. You’re gonna get banged up.” Bill Murray.
“With my sunglasses on, I’m Jack Nicholson. Without them, I’m fat and 60” by who else but the Jack Nicholson.
“Life should be a little nuts; otherwise it’s just a bunch of Thursdays strung together” Kevin Costner.
“I wanted to win an Oscar so that I’d get more scripts without other actors’ coffee stains on them.” From one of my favs, Michael Cain.
I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer” Jim Carrey. Whoa, who ever thought he could go that deep.

So with these I hope that your having more luck with your life then I am and I wish you all the best till my next blog of ranting or merely just my need for mental stimulation.

~m~

it only hurts when i breath

WAYN... just another way you'll ignore me

Almost exactly a year since I’ve graduated my undergrad and my inbox gets filled with emails saying “join WAYN with me” or “join hi 5 and keep in touch with your friends” or “join sms.ca and make new friends” from friends who should be calling me or msning me rather then sending me a mass email about new and exciting ways we can keep in touch.

My opinion is if you can’t make the effort to email me with a quick hello or phone call then why bother wanting to keep in touch with me through yet another communication method that your busy life doesn’t allow you to use. For example, my most recent annoying WAYN email is from Heather a friend from high school who I still get together with when we are both in Aylmer or someone has planned a girls night. But lately her priorities are with her fiancé and her wedding plans that have been two years in the making. She lives with her fiancé and it seems like we have all taken a shaft because she owes him every minute of her life. And when we do get together it’s “Ron this, Ron that.”

WAYN stands for Where Are You Now and though it’d be cool to see how people have progressed since the good ‘ole days of Aylmer I fail to see why I need to care now merely five years since I left Aylmer and if people like Heather care so much about where the fuck I am, she should just ask. But I guess my bitterness also comes from being placed second against everyone’s boyfriends because heaven forbid they take some time away from them.

skin

My cousin’s battle with cancer ended about two years ago and I’ll never get over it. She was my favourite cousin but even though we weren’t that close in proximity it hurts, I wanted to be with her. Six of ten, the songs says and she was one of the four. She was a great deal of my inspiration when I was taking my writing class, I wrote poems and stories about her but Rascal Flatts her song. Any country singer is bound to write about the effect of cancer but what are the odds they’d use her name and why did I have to hear it almost two years to the date? I guess it just enters my library of songs that make me think of her regardless of when it came out.

My favourite new word is coin slot. My sister and I were watching SNL while babysitting my niece and they had a mock commercial for skin cream for the skin right above the pant line. My other sister has an issue with constantly showing her crack and apparently with certain jeans I do as well. I kind of feel like there is an epidemic and now it’s finally diagnosed. Coin slot is just a great word and knowing that I have acquired a booty to create coinslot is good news as well.

My niece is adorable and so many family gatherings are focused around her due to her energy and her goofiness. My favourite story of her on Sunday involves one of her frequent trips to look out the back screen door. My sister Joanne and I were sitting by the kitchen table, knees were up and my coin slot was probably showing but as were my love handles. So as Alexa is walking away from the screen door she walked up to me and grabs a hold of my bare skin and then walks away. She has a fetish with needing to hold skin when she is being fed or when she is crying. For some reason bare skin on your neck or your back is nurturing and comforting for her. So with this grab she analyzed my nurturing ability and then walked away leaving me very confused with her actions. I guess with her only being a year old she’s not expected to make a great deal of sense. But she is still extremely adorable.

The Independent Woman's Guide to Life

Today I realized I’m like the turkeys. As I walked up the drumlin back to my house I looked over at the two turkeys that I let out of the coop. It’s my daily job, opening the door for them, making sure they have plenty of water and feed and collecting the eggs. Well I looked back today to see them walking outside, a place they are eagerly waiting for every morning that I appear by the door. The one was pecking at the grass and the other had prepared herself to take a mad dash down the path in yet another attempt to fly. She doesn’t elevate and hasn’t any of the times that she has tried but she keeps trying. She has wings and a disappointed look in her body when she realizes that she didn’t fly. And in that way I am the same. I have a desire and a disappointed face when I have been rejected yet another time from another job. But if I could give up I would by now. I need a job and I’ve worked hard towards an ideal job so then when I am I going to realize I can’t fly?

On another note. Today I received a book from Gabi Lorino a women I met while in England. She wrote a book called “The Independent Woman’s Guide to Life” and recently she emailed me to see if I wanted a copy. I’ve looked this book up before but because it’s not widely known, it wouldn’t be in any bookstores around here. I rarely get mail and getting books is very exciting. I’ve read the first chapter so far and am looking forward to reading the rest. The title itself tells me that it’s a book about my life and I must deal with what’s to come regarding the career life and the dating. I’ll criticize the book later once it’s fully read but for now it’s just exciting to receive it.

The Sum of all Fears

I’m not an avid Dr. Phil watcher but I’m normally sitting by the tv at that time of the day so I flip to it once in a while. Yesterdays topic was about fear, and boy can I relate, I fear more then sometimes humanly possible. However, I’m not afraid of masked characters or aliens like the people on the show.

I fear a great deal and it seems true with Dr. Phil’s theory that the only fear is loosing control of the circumstances and it’s your weakest area that creates cause for fear. I fear almost anything. I hate heights, I hate scary movies, I fear that people close to me are going to die, I fear the holistic damage of men whether it being rapped or a broken heart or beaten, I fear being robbed and loosing my processions, and I fear driving, I fear that something will happen to me because I’m not a good driver.

It’s not that I’m a bad driver, I’ve just never been given the opportunity to be a good driver. I hardly ever drive. My dad yelling at every stupid thing while learning to drive didn’t help and loosing friends in car accidents hasn’t eased the idea of driving either. But I’m at a point in my life where I am car dependent and though I’ve pictured myself owning a car (cause that’s just what you do when your older) I don’t feel I’m ready. But on the other hand I’m missing out on so much by not having a car and lets face it, I’m not becoming gainfully employed by just sitting around. So fear one addressed, eventually I will purchase a car and I’ll gain confidence and control.

Fear two is my phobia of the dark, not only when the lights go out but what is possibly happening when you can’t see around you. Yes, there is a loss of control there, you can’t run from what you don’t know is happening. The other night I was annoyed that none of my friends were available to come and spend the night here. I understand that there wasn’t a lot of notice but my best friend wasn’t willing to drive an hour to see me when she had nothing else to do but she can drive an hour and a half to see her boyfriend twice a week. Anyways my dislike for being ditched for the other sexes is a topic for another day. I dealt with my fear of the dark though. It was real simple, I drank a lot and by the time I actually crawled in bed I could care less about the stupid noises and the fact that I had to leave all the lights on because I had too big of a headache and the fear was numbed.

I’m a big girl and I shouldn’t fear the dark anymore but I can’t get out of bed after the lights go out and when I do to go to the bathroom or something I need to turn all the lights back on to make sure that no one is there. Watching Dr. Phil made a lot of sense though and I’m not embarrassed to be afraid of things as much as I was. I have had circumstances that have brought on these fears but what is life without challenges. I’ll buy that car and live on my own for a period of my life and the darkness will swallow the light, day after day.

Not Ready to Make Nice

Thank goodness for the Dixie Chicks (www.dixiechicks.com) they always seem to sing with my thoughts in mind. And for Joey I sing:

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it rightI probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I don't know if i did the right thing by not forgiving him last night and being cold when he wanted to chat. But it's not fair how i have to ignore his harsh words just because he is stressed.

Untitled

Today was a good day. I went with my sister to the Lifefest show in Toronto. This is a women’s show with a crapload of sponsors meaning a great deal of free stuff. I walked away with stuff I doubt I will ever use, but it was free. I have two different types of shaving cream. I mean, I use shaving cream, but not everyday and I don’t bath in it. I have samples of lotions and vitamins that will sit in my drawer for a while before I realize they have gone beyond their best before date and then I throw out what I haven’t used, for the past four years. Along with the free stuff there were speakers, and demonstrations and of course pamphlets that I plan on reading, but probably won’t for a while. I don’t think this event is unimaginable and I don’t feel like describing a room full of booths but just merely wanted to say that I had a great day and scored some goods.

I think I have a new crush. He’s a boy that I’ve chatted with for a while now but never thought about him as more then a friend. Today I spent the whole day telling my sister details of my past conversation with him and thinking about him and wanting to tell him about the day. But I wonder if this is just me wanting a companion. I have no life besides my msn and am looking for excitement in anyone paying attention to me. He’s cute though and he’s sensitive (I think) and we seem to be able to chat for a while about anything. But it comes back to me running from what I have and chasing what I can’t have and as soon as I find out where he stands I am confused. But this isn’t a Mark or Tyler situation. I’m not in awe, I’m not so taken aback that I’m not sleeping or eating because I know he exists. And I want that, I want to feel that my man is a gift from God and that my life won’t go on if it doesn’t happen. This seems like it’s a convenience thing, like its need for companionship and he’s just the best one in line.

I’m done my phase of wanting to be single though. I know it didn’t last long but the other day I starting reading this book called “How To Meet Men As Smart As You” to prepare myself for a new relationship and where I should go to meet people. I can’t say I read it in great depth though, I merely skimmed the pages while watching Operah. My brother-in-law picked it up for me the other day and I’m not sure if he is hinting I should be dating or if he merely just thought of me and picked it up. (I also have the book “He’s just not into you” out of the same situation.) I’m not in the phase of my life where I am out meeting people and enjoying my time. I’ll be a burden to a boyfriend and use them to vent about my boredom rather then using them as an exciting escape from my monotonous working day. However, my four weddings that I will be attending this summer leave me wondering whether I should bring a date or attend them alone while all my friends have dates.

So I feel I have much to sleep on.

I have an addiction :(

I play The Sims too often. At least three hours today have been wasted. It's not like i'm wasting time and i should be doing something else, but i'm annoyed because there are much more productive things i could be doing then wasting brain cells looking at a stupid computer game. And i really don't have many more brain cells to loose. I think i need to put my Sim CD's away for a bit or focus on blogging. Anyways, my boredom continues and still am left to write a entertaining blog... Stay tuned.


This is my house that I recreated. Sims style


Here are Craig, Soleil and Joey Singing KumByeYah at the camp fire. I almost wet myself with this event. Out of the three of the of these people Soleil would be the one to pull out her guitare at the key moment and here her Sims Character is playing.

Chances are I have a sims character named after you and eventually i will post events and pictures when i get around to it or have a story to tell.