Girls weekend in Goderich

In hindsight we should have taken the fireball away from Becky. They, as in people who have nothing better to say, say that hindsight is 20/20. Although, what do they mean by that. For example, I felt bad only a few hours after she passed out for not taking the bottle away but how long will it take for me to feel bad about other events of that night. Maybe only a few years later will I say “in hindsight…” So which sight is better, the knowing right away or knowing two years down the road? Anyways, Becky was so excited about us Aylmer girls coming to Goderich to see her that she wanted to be drunk and have a good time. Unfortunately she passed out before the concert and missed out on the fun. I was almost certain that I wasn’t going to be able to enjoy the night and rather have to stay at Becky’s and watch a movie or something but thanks to prune juice and vanilla extract I was feeling much better. See the quecidella’s (spelling) that I had at lunch were much too greasy and plugged my system up. Every attempt was unsuccessful until my constipation changed to diarreah (spelling) in a matter of moments. But I will spare the details and just say that I had a great night despite the pain.

On another note I miss Mike. Not as a partner but his friendship. He doesn’t seem to want to talk to me lately. I’ve needed his friendship throughout the last six months and he’s been very nice in giving it to me, even though I don’t seem deserving. But I can’t hold on to him if he doesn’t want to hold on. I broke up with him and if he wants to move on with his life and let me go then I have to go and respect that.

Also, thanks Sarah for the comment on my last blog. I guess I never really give questions for people to answer or say things for people to comment on, but your comment made me smile for getting feedback. Hopefully i will have more interesting blogs to come, i just need some inspiration and the motivation for writing again.

sometimes i feel bad

Sometimes I feel bad about making fun of Mark. I wouldn’t want to be made fun of that much and I’d hate to make him more upset with me. Even though secretly that’s why I do stab at him. But I guess his thoughts still own me. What could have been overrules what is not happening and never will, the questions I’ve wanted to ask overrule him telling me to walk away from anything I think we may have had. Did you not feel anything? Did I do something to turn you away? What did you think about me in high school, was I ever more then Will’s sister? Maybe I’ll never know, or maybe someday you’ll walk by again.

PS. Please not on my previous entry that i was able to hyperlink the word office to the website. Mark did that on his blog and i always wanted to figure out how he did that. I also added two pictures successfully. It was a productive blogging day yesterday.

My new crush

I have a new crush. And before you email me to clarify my actual feeling (you know who you are) I am certain that this is a crush, not a rebound. I have a crush, although it’s pointless to crush on him, but it just happens sometimes. His name is John Krasinski. If you know anything about me, you know that I am a avid Will and Grace watcher (or at least I try to be) and a few weeks ago I decided to watch Will & Grace and stay to watch the whole Thursday night NBC line up. Well after W&G was Four Kings, a show I’m not crazy about but is slightly humorous and I can justify wasting that half hour to avoid getting off the couch only to sit back down an half an hour to hour later. Next comes My Name is Earl, again, not the funniest show around but Jason Lee’s idea of Karma is somewhat interesting and his awkwardness is somewhat amusing. And so time wasted with that show is also justified. And then is the gold. The Office. I’ve heard it talked about before as being extremely funny. But had never really heard much about it and therefore it never caught my curiosity. It’s funny, it’s like reality but a sitcom and it takes place in an office, a otherwise dull paper sales office. John plays Jim, a sales rep for the paper company and has a crush on the engaged secretary Pam. It’s okay though, we all have our crushes. I think John is very real; I’m not attracted to his acting ability or his appearance, even though both seem flawless. He seemed like a real, liase faire type guy who enjoys a beer and going to the movies. He’s the boy next door. Elijah Wood, my other tv crush, is not a boy who could be found next door, you’d find him in a coffee shop in his own little world and admire him from afar and never had the nerve to approach him or you’d see him in the mall looking at CD’s and think, wow he’s cute but wouldn’t think twice to approach him because the mutual like for music isn’t enough to think that he is your soul mate. John seems like he might be the person to date the hottest girl in school but also seems like he’d smile and wave to anyone who he knew by name. He’s very crush worthy and I’m sure I’m not the only person who feels that way.

the facade of fun

I'd like to welcome Kristy and Adele to the readers of my blog, not that i've kept track of who all has my blog address or who reads it daily but because i know that i will soon give Kristy and Adele my address i thought i'd welcome them to the readership. *Smiles* I appreciate my loyals readers and i don't mean to exclude anyone. I'm assuming i don't have loyal readers but i love you all, all the same. Am i still drunk or why can't i move on to the next paragraph?

Yes there was some drunkeness last night. It was Maureen's Bachorlette party. it began with the surprise and the "girl bonding" at the house, then it proceeded to the Maleless strippers which turned into the car ride to The Wax very shortly after the realization of the lack of men. The car ride was also fun, there was 15 people in two cars. But as you all may know, i am used to the idea of fitting more people in vehicles then they are ment for and i encouraged the ladies that it would only be a few moments of being uncomfortable and it would be better then standing in the cold. The Wax was interesting. It was a club i'd never been to before and it had a very retro but yet pop style to it. like it was in a temporary location and the big imitation chandileer was just a fad until the more suitable pop slash r&b location would be found. The events for Maureen to partake in were done out of my sight and after about 3 hours of bouncing to the songs that all seem to sound the same after a while i became very bored. The stories were amusing of the events that happened after my departure but i'm sure i didn't miss the changing moment of my life. I often feel awkward turning away from such events as the bars or big public meetings, but its not me and my life will go on without such events. So yes, there was an interesting set of events but blog worthy? I'm not sure of. Some stories are better left untold and the drunken confusion of the pick-ups and cheating are not my busy to inquire about and much less to blog about. (Especailly not being given the correct details yet or the opinions of both sides).

But what is a pointless blog entry without the thought of you. You shouldnt matter to me now and my heart is somewhat healed since you stated the extent of lack of feelings for me but its the location of Waterloo that you have ruined for me. I lived here and want my memories to include the parties, the boys, the job, the school work and the knowledge i have aquired. I don't like walking past Cafe 1842 and dislike the thought of going in even more. You have ruined my reasons for visiting and have aided to my bitterness of men. I have also lost my inspiration, but that's life and i don't blame you, i'm not upset with you and i'm not hoping i never see you again, if i don't, i'm fine with that too though. I'm just merely ranting because I'm thinking of while i should be having fun with friends and i am assuming you aren't reading my blog anymore. What reason do you have to anyways?

So i'm at Joey's house while he is partying it up at the bar. I could have gone but i'm a little sleep deprived and my stomach is not liking the seafood fondue that Joey and i ate for dinner. I'm not puking or anything and doubt i will, but it's unsettled. Today included breakfest with Nick, Joey, Kristy and Adele. It was a great time, a great place and with great people. then I chilled with the residents of 5 Mulberry lane until 5-6ish. I walked with Jenn Owens to the University Plaza where we stopped for a warm beverage and i waited for Joey. And then it finally happened, my long awaited Seafood fondue event. finally my craving can rest. Seafood is an awkward thing though, do i like or not? does my stomach like it or will i be spewing it out later on? I hate puking and i'm assuming there will be a blog entry about it if i do.

Anyways I think there are many more things to do before i call it a night. I hope you enjoyed the read and please don't mind the spelling, Joey's word program doesn't have spell check (that i could find) so i corrected the words were fixable and left the rest to you to figure out.
Martha

Intolerable Cruelty

So my brother-in-law from Manitoba was over for a few days. He’s a trucker and was waiting for a load to bring back to the Manitoba region so that he wasn’t hauling an empty trailer. Anyways it took a few days for him to be given a returning load and so he stayed here with us. We started both days with coffee and oatmeal and then he would follow me down to check on the chickens, even though it’s only just collecting eggs lately and isn’t a two person job. I would then go about my daily chores of cleaning the kitchen and sending out my cover letters. He then would watch movie after movie until Tom and Thressa would come home and we’d eat dinner. On the second day he began to watch movies. He watched the Bourne Supremacy and then while he was trying to play Spy Games he couldn’t close the DVD player. I was concerned as he asked me if it’s ever happened before. As I scratched my head trying to force the thing closed he realized that the Intolerable Cruelty DVD was jammed in the back of the player. We tried many things to get it out, including trying to slide it out with a knife to opening up the player. Eventually we were working with it upside and magically the DVD fell back into place and we were able to close and then open the player with the DVD sitting in place. Unfortunately I’m not sure if we’ll ever be able to watch that movie again, but we all know how the stupid love stories go. Someone wants someone and then after a process of flirting and fighting they fall madly in love. Blah. Well as Delmer and I told Tom and Thressa this story, they explained that for some reason there is a sticky piece in the machine and it happens all the time, it’s apparently very easy to get out. Intolerable cruelty knowing that what takes someone 2 seconds, take two people 30 minutes.

Another item of Intolerable cruelty is that I’ve been rejected from yet another job offer. I worked extremely hard for the Ducks Unlimited interview and I was recently emailed the “I’m sorry, there were a great deal of applicants and your goals and skills do not meet the job description.” I was also rejected from the Aylmer job with the line, “someone else was more experienced and we offered her the job.” Same shit, right? Anyways, I’m getting tired of the endless job searching. I have no life outside this house and need a job desperately to create a life again.

It’s all intolerable cruelty, from the DVD to the job search to my life to the squirrels eating the birdfeed. It all seems to suck and seems to be more then I can bare.

The Italian Job

So I finally watched the Italian Job. And I say finally because there has been attempts to see it, but was never meant to be I guess. A few years ago I lived in an Albert street townhouse and during the summer I lived there alone. Me and Snoopy. But since Craig was in town that summer as well we often made the effort to get together. We decided one time that we would rent a movie. The was nothing special about the rental place (except that there was a police investigation there the day I brought the movie back. I acted very cool about going in and though I really wanted to find out what happened I causally walked in and out.) Well Craig and I ended up picking the Italian Job and as we settled in to watch the movie, Craig on the sectional, me on the brown full-length couch, I fell asleep. I dosed off during the previews. I think it was a combination of being over worked and becoming very comfortable on the couch and I was out. I recall waking up twice during the movie but never realized I fell back asleep until I woke up again. I woke up again to find the tv turned off and Craig gone. I searched the house for him and noticed that his shoes were also gone. He just walked home.

Mark Walhberg makes me think of Tyler. Yes, I still think of Tyler. He’s my one regret in life. I regret that night, I regret being that drunk, and I regret that guy I made out with. If I only knew that I’d loose Tyler’s friendship I would never have gone there, it never would have happened. Anyways Tyler is a blonde Mark; same hotness, same build. I think he’s probably married by now or soon to be. His then girlfriend and him were pretty serious, we had a few dates but I was the deciding factor to go stay with her or to move on. He choose her, of course, they always choose someone else.

during the sunday morning oldies show

Whoa, I was sitting by my computer for the past 15 minutes or so and only now (9:07am) did I realize I was 7 minutes into the Sunday morning oldies show. I like that I like the oldies show and feel that I need as much excitement here as I can get. I haven’t written a quality blog in a while and feel that I need to entertain my regular readers with a new piece. I have little to write about but I don’t want to fall out of the habit of writing, it helps clear my head.

So I’ve recently bought myself a new sewing machine. It’s very small and reminds me of the sewing machine I had as a younger child. I don’t remember that one that well or what I did with it, but it was pink and actually sewed. This new one is white with blue and was only $25 at Canadian tire. All I needed a sewing machine for is my quilt patches and for the odd hemming job. Apparently it can sew Jeans as well so I can fix my American Eagle jeans that I paid too much money for and are now out of style but if I change them they will be cool again.

As for jobs, I still haven’t heard back from Ducks Unlimited but I did hear from the job that I really wanted and without even getting a chance to have an interview like I was promised, the job was offered to someone else. I hit a deep depression about that one. I’m very tired of being rejected this often. But the summer is coming and I’m certain to get a summer job doing something and maybe that will lead to something else.

So this is the poor pathetic blog I was able to write up. Nothing impressive or well written, sorry.

Dear God

I’m finding I need patience
I’m discovering I need strength
I’m loosing the will to carry on
And I need you here

I’m not able to sleep
I lack the desire to eat
I’m loosing weight
And I need you here

My voice is getting louder
My cries are becoming longer
My prayers are decreasing
And I need you here

My heart is getting heavy
My feet just drag along
My soul is weary
And I need you here

And though;
I know you are holding my hand,
I know you are carrying me, and
I know the strength I have is yours,
I fail to feel you, and I need you here.

Loverboy

I just finished a book. I have decided that rather then letting the computer fill all my time I would pick up a book and let my mind consume another life form. I read “Loverboy” by Victoria Redel. If you have a desire to read the book, please do not read my entry, I will only ruin the ending. If you are thinking about it, in my own opinion I’d say don’t waste your time. Although other opinions say “Daring” and “highly readable and attractive…Exquisite.” I am not a literature reviewer, but who puts negative comments in their books as a selling point. And in my experience if you need to buff up the first three pages of praises I think you may be compensating for something. Like a man needing a souped up car, like a restaurant sign needing bright lights and colours or like a boy band needing the lead singer to be breathtakingly gorgeous.

The book is about a mother obsessed with the company of her child and fighting to keep the child from being just an ordinary boy. As I read through the book I was lost often in the stories of how she loves her child and spends every moment with him. I don’t understand love, I’ve said, “I love you” but without actually knowing what true love is. As I think about the narrator, name unknown, I realize more and more that this book isn’t about love but rather a woman’s attempt to bring meaning to her pathetic recluse styled life. The books biggest draw in is the narrator is struggling for life in a hospital room in the very first page of actual writing. The reader knows that it is the narrator in the room and we begin hearing stories of her life and her boy named Paul, but nicknamed every cutesy sugar coated name in history, including and most often is Loverboy.

The book is based around eclipses of the child, Paul, from birth to grade one, her own childhood and the loveless relationship with her parents, and the making of the child with her countless five-minute conception encounters. These stories lack sense and purpose. Endlessly we are reminded that this mother loves her child and told about the stories of their adventures. Rather then hearing of her erotic sexual intercourse up against the side of his car, the romance with the actual “Paul” could have developed into a great love story and a greater sense of the need to call her son Loverboy. I felt as though I was reading someone’s diary, and the sense of knowing the great adventures of the trips to the library are only important to those looking back at their own 20 years and those who are in grade four and have a sneaking desire to read their sisters diary.

Collide

*this is one of my favourite songs on the radio. I thankfully have no one in mind when i hear it and i can appreciate it for it's lyrics and sound, rather then the most other songs these days.

The dawn is breaking...A light shining through...You're barely waking...And I'm tangled up in you. (yeah)
I'm open, you're closed.Where I'll follow you'll go.I worry I won't see your faceLight up again.
Even the best fall down sometimes.Even the wrong words seem to rhyme.Out of the doubt that fills my mind,I somehow found you and I collide.
I'm quiet, you know,You make a first impression.I've found I'm scared to know,I'm always on your mind.
Even the best fall down sometimes.Even the stars refuse to shine.Out of the back you fall in timeSomehow find you and I collide...
Don't stop here...I lost my place...I'm close behind...
Even the best fall down sometimes.Even the wrong words seem to rhyme.Out of the doubt that fills your mindYou finally find, you and I collide.You finally find, you and I collide.You finally find, you and I collide.

yes, your thought will fade now.

new baby

Today I received an email from the husband of my pen pal. I don’t know him at all but Elly shares an email address with him. So as a proud parent Adam emails everyone and states that he and Elly had a baby boy named Cole. I knew that Elly was pregnant cause my sister told me the last time I had seen her, which was in October. My sister and Elly are in laws and since my sister started dating Delmer, Elly and I have been writing very long letters to each other. Hopefully those letters have since been destroyed, I think most of the ones sent to me have been anyways, I’d hate for her or anyone else to know me by what I wrote then. But that’s neither here nor there right now. Congratulations Adam and Eleanor on your baby Cole Gabriel, I wish you the best with your new bundle of joy.

coffee and baileys and where to find your mate

So as my sister and I are doing our normal Saturday routine involving reading the newspaper and the county market (which isn’t called the county market anywhere else but in Aylmer I think. It’s called the pennysaver other places. But you know, the flyers and stuff that come weekly) and drinking our coffee (which normally contains a shot of baileys), anyways, so as we are doing our typical reading and drinking she directs an article to me with the title of “Where to meet your mate.” I smirk a little, ‘oh please, I’m not concerned about that’ smile. Even though it seems like I may be, I just want to get out of this place and have a normal social life again, well not that I have a normal social life, but still. I’m not worried that I won’t find Mr. Right, I’m just more upset that my Mr. Right-Now isn’t working out as I planned it.

I have my theories about where to meet men. And this is where my Sex in the City journalistic writing comes in, although I will never be anything like Carrie (I think her name is, Sarah J. Parker anyways) My biggest theory, but has never worked out for me, is that the grocery stores are excellent places for pick up. What man shops in a grocery store alone if he has a woman? Grocery shopping is one of those things that guys normally don’t do for fun, where as women are more likely to have a desire to have all the ingredients for every recipe. In my mind, it’s something that everyone needs to do so it makes it a perfect couples thing to do. Mike never went grocery shopping other then from his parent’s fridge, but his mom bought him the groceries so it’s not like he was just taking from them. I always wanted to take him shopping or for him to come with me, but he never would. Meeting your mate, most likely will happen in a place where couples would go together if they were going. I’ve heard of funerals, I guess, why would someone go unaccompanied to a funeral if they didn’t need to. I don’t have any stories off hand of hook-ups at funerals but I can’t personally say I feel like checking out men while I’m there. (Of course though, sometimes it happens) And weddings are good places; you don’t go to a wedding alone if you are dating, you just don’t. So if you are alone at a wedding it’s a good chance that you might get to meet up with others who aren’t dating either. There is a chance that something will happen, but there is also a chance that after a few great times of having coffee/tea and chatting for hours he’ll send you the “I’m not interested in you” email. Oh well, in about 5 months there will be another friends wedding to go to and hopefully more men to check out there.

I’m starting to think that you were a rebound. I mean, I can’t eat or sleep without wondering what your up to and thinking that I’d rather be eating or sleeping with you. And I can’t stop my heart from breaking every time I see you pop online, but yet you need some space (and I guess as do I) and therefore I’m limited to the amount I’m allowed to associate with you. I don’t understand why it’s only been you I’m rebounding on, it’s not like there hasn’t been others crossing my path and it’s not like I know you so well and have always known that you and I were meant for each other. But right now it is only you and tomorrow it will only be you. But still I think that you’re just a rebound, it’s whatever helps me sleep at night, right?

your lingering presence

Every once in a while I have a sensation to turn my head. My head pulls itself to the right and I lean to you. Your lips kiss mine softly, the warmth of your lips cover mine as you playfully bite my bottom lip, and you smile a very playful and very lovingly smile. As you softly move your lips to the back of my neck I feel your hands beneath my shirt resting on my hips softly caressing my skin with your thumbs. Your hands are cold but your presence brings warmth to my body. As you massage my neck with your lips your shoulder brushes mine and your strength overwhelms me. How perfect are you and your holding me.

But as I lick my lips to taste your breath, your lips are no longer there. As I lower my hands to reach for yours, they are no longer resting on my body. And I look to my mind to see if you are the one creating my happiness, but your not there and this trance is all I have to keep you holding on. I look down at my book again and begin to read mid page where I am assuming I’ve left off. I pretend that you don’t still consume my thoughts, and I pretend that what I’m reading is interesting and that I am enjoying it and that you haven’t recently left me to fill your mind with some other thoughts.

*This entry isn’t directed at anyone, but is merely a thought I have every once in a while. I wanted to see if I could do justice with a sensual piece.

fading away

So I’ve recently come across a fact that is incredibly scary, a fact that I thought was very unlikely. I’ve lost weight. I lost 6 pounds in a month. The last time I checked was at Michelle’s house on December 30. Every time I went to the bathroom I stepped on the scale. My fear of this loss initially started yesterday as I was putting on my interview pants. It’s not like I needed my interview pants because it was just a telephone interview, but I wanted to feel sexy and powerful. Well the pants weren’t fallen off, but my once tight fitting pants were a bit looser and sat a tad differently. I didn’t give it too much thought though because they may just have stretched since I hand washed them the other day. But later that day after I got out of the hot tub I noticed that I looked gross and bony sitting in my tank top and undies, not that thinking I look bony means I’ve lost weight, but wondering I stepped on the scale. It showed that I lost 10 pounds since Michelle’s. That worried me, but then the thought crossed my mind that maybe clothes have something to do with the weight count. So after I had my clothes on I check and added 4 pounds to my total. Six pounds, one month.

Sometimes I think if I were to write a diet plan book I could be very successful. I think that water is key to loosing weight. A few summers ago I wanted to make sure I drank the whole 8 cups of water. It’s a lot of water, but everyday I filled up a 2-litre coke bottle with water and made sure I drank it all before I went to bed. The one thing I remember about that summer is that I peed a great deal, but my pee was clear, like it’s supposed to be. I also know that I lost a great deal of crap in my system and therefore lost some weight. Also I think you need to think about what your eating. Is this a packaged product? How real is this food? Is there a healthier option? (I’m not saying choose a salad over a hamburger if you go to Wendy’s once in a blue moon, but choose something homemade verses continuously eating out?) Is this chocolate or candy, if so, how many of these have I had today or this week? My size is a matter of genes rather then knowing what to eat, and I don’t think I could gain an excess of weight even if I tried, but I like to think I know a great deal and deserve this body. Although if I was heavier, I don’t think I could loose the weight as quickly as I like it think it would be.

So as for my interview, I think I could have done better. I think I will only be hired if there are people worse then me. Which is normally the case, you get hired when you are the best out there, but I know that I didn’t Knock her Dead, like the book claims you should be able to. I wasn’t bad I don’t think, and I did answer all but one question. However, the questions were quite tough: “What makes a good researcher?” “What makes a good leader?” “What would you do if you were out in the field and weren’t sure of the proper procedures?” “Name some common wetland plant species.” The question I couldn’t answer and didn’t even want to attempt at was “Can you tell me the difference between a female Blue Winged Teal and a Northern Red Shoveler?” I know your supposed to avoid yes/no answers, but I’m sure my “No” had an ! mark as it came out of my mouth as with a tone saying, what the F***? Oh well, there will be many more interviews and I shouldn’t let one like that ruin my mood.

Speaking of moods, yes, I’m still sad and lonely and am up for a road trip anytime, being it Waterloo or farther. This depression still lingers.