It’s perfect.

I’m not sure why I felt the need to buy my roommate a gift because I’m leaving, but I did. Actually, I just finally came through on my promise that I’d buy him a plant to replace the fake flowers he had on a shelf.

These flowers meant nothing to him, the previous owner left them so when I told him about my dislike of fake flowers he laughed and said that I was welcome to replace them. I made that my goal. The next day the two of us went to Ikea to buy shower curtains, on our way through the store we came across this plant. We liked it and said that was the one. But curtains were all we wanted that day.

So today I went back to Ikea (for the second time this week) with a plan. I was going to buy a few pots for other plants I have bought for this place and a nice vase/pot to replace the fake flowers (which I took off the shelf a few weeks ago) and to my surprise I found this plant again. I purchased it and got to work repoting Tim’s plants.

My new plant is perfect and I’m so proud of myself for putting together the right amount of rocks with gravel and water. Yeah for me!

little rant

Confession: I'm lonely.
I've been lonely before and just like then this is a phase it'll pass. I can't really expect to be freed of loneliness though. A, it's me and I'm normally only happy if I'm complaining and B, I moved to Ottawa for a job that is now over. I didn't move to Ottawa because my friends are here or to follow a boyfriend. C and R are here but they are together and I can't really expect to intrude on that too often. S and D are here, but they'd rather hang out with their jewish friends then R, C and I. That was evident when S cancelled dinner plans the other day.

Growing up though I had my parents and friends that were always there. Then I was at school and was always (except for one summer) living with people and then i was living with Mike and then I lived with a sister and then I moved in with another sister. But now I'm 6-7 hours away from all that i know. My friends and family are a phone call away but still...away.

So I sit here with my days contempting what i can all do alone and it's a sad thought. Because i'm plagued by the thought that these days represent many more days to come. Life should pick up though, shortly, I'm not worried.

Having Strep

This is one of those pointless 3am blogs. Um. well it's a blog so 'pointless' can relate to most of my blogs.

I find that when I fall asleep early on in the night I don't sleep as well as if I went to bed later like 11ish -12. I discovered I have strep throat and because of that I think I was more fatigued then if I didn't have it. (And it was a friday night, unless you made plans with friends a head of time, you don't go out. So then what's left to do?)

So yeah, my trip to the walk-in clinic was quite eventful. My throat didn't hurt, but it looked extremely gross and since I have all this time on my hands i figured that maybe I should fix a potentially dangerous situation. So I ventured to the medical centre my neighbour suggested to me. I walked into a room full of children and feared i had the wrong place. I didn't so that was great. The wait wasn't that long and I was probably out of there within an hour.

At the sight of my throat the doctor told me that it was either a case of Strep or Mono. I thought, oh crap I can't handle being sick now. It will only put off my job searching longer and I really need to get at her. Although being sick is being sick so I could have let it slide. Anyways this doctor needed to get a swab of my throat tissues, so rather then gently and calmly putting that thing down my throat she jams it down like she's in a rush to get the sample out. I began to gag and physically removed her hand from my throat. And then she got pissed off at me. "Hello Lady, that hurts!!" She tries again with the same force, hopefully she actually got something because I still struggled.

Anyways the pharmaist was saying that if I have a choice I want strep rather then mono. Mono will take more out of me and take longer to feel better. Strep should be fine within a few days and should be cleared with the antibiotics that I was prescribed. I'm not sick though but am worried about being sick. The symptoms include fever and the like, but doesn't really say whether your expected to be sick if you have strep. We'll see I guess.

Well my roommate is now home and since he sleeps on the couch I'm probably annoying him with my presence and my typing. (And it's almost four in the morning so I should try to get more rest).

Hope all is well and more blogging to come shortly. (Anyone watch the Office the other night? Feel like discussing it?)

Deletions

it's blog time.

I didn't mean to check. Well i did mean to check, i just thought the outcome was going to be different. I'm talking about msngeeks. if you've never heard of it, it lets you know who's deleted you from their msn lists and lets you know who still has you on their lists even though you've deleted them. It's not a good thing to check but when it's not checked out of evil intentions then it could be fine.

Todays check took me by surprise. I haven't been online able to check sites like that so I'm not sure how long I've been deleted. I have people on my list that i don't talk to that often and I feel like I won't much in the future. I was checking because I feel like if they have deleted me then I won't feel so bad about deleting them.

Different peoples msn lists are different. My friend R keeps his list strickly to his close friends. I'm not on his list even though out of his boyfriends friends, I'm R's favourite. I was disgruntled about R's deletion of me but C explained it to me and it's fine. If you only have 5 people on you list and I'm not a close close friend then i should be expected to remain on your list for long. But other people like my 15 year old sister have 100's of people on their list. But i'm probably in the middle. When someone doesn't talk to me and I have little plans on talking to them, I normally delete them. it's nothing personal, I just don't want to be bothered by constant pop-ups of people who I don't really care if they are online or not.

on with the current story... I was shocked to see that B, a guy that I've been friends with for the past year has deleted me. I hadn't seen him online for a while and so I emailed him. After not recieving a reply I began to be worried and called his cell. No answer. I don't mean to jump to the worst case senario but it happens when you loose contact all of a sudden like that. So i emailed his boss, who was also my boss when B and I met, asking her if he had maybe moved or maybe he was just super busy. Well, she said that he was still there and busy, but it's government so I know that he comes home 8 hours after his shift and would have all the time in the world to reply to a voice mail or email.

The conclusion i came to, because it's me and I have over analyzed this, is that he has realized that I wasn't interested in him and that we'd never work out. But i wanted a friendship and I don't understand why he's run after a year of friendships and mindsweeper. anyways. what would you do? email him confronting his absence or just letting him go?

100 things to know about me

Sarah, my blog buddy had this fabolous blog the other day. (Maybe 3 or 4 days ago, I haven’t really kept up with reading much.) I thought it was great and felt the need to do my own “100 things about me” list.

1. I have 3 brothers and 6 sisters. All real, 7 are older and 2 are younger.
2. I am shy and I blame it on growing up and never needing to talk myself.
3. My parents are still together, their aniversary is September 30.
4. My mom is 54 and I don’t know how old my dad is.
5. I think I know all my siblings birthdays.
6. This past year I almost forgot my ex boyfriends birthday after drilling him for so long when my birthday is. (It was in fact May 30th, like I thought)
7. I am single.
8. My birthday is July 13, 1982.
9. I’ve met three other people with the same birthday. And many birthdays are the day before and the day after.
10. I think my birthday is a cool day. It’s weird but I take pride in telling people my birthday is the 13 of July, like it’s some day of importance or something.
11. I am currently watching Ellen Degeneres. I watch it often.
12. I, (like Sarah) don’t feel like I have a lot of interests.
13. Except for sometimes birds, music and men.
14. I feel like I’m a boring person to talk to. And when I’m holding in a secret I feel I’m more boring because I don’t talk afraid of spilling the secret.
15. I never have a secret that no one knows. Someone always knows what I’m holding in.
16. Currently I have confided in Soleil, Ashleigh and Phil. Don’t ask.
17. I am also currently unemployed.
18. I have a degree in Geography from the University of Waterloo.
19. It annoys me when people think I have a Bachelor of Arts. It’s actually a Bachelor of Environmental Studies. Waterloo is cool like that.
20.My mom didn’t teach me anything girlie liking shaving or makeup either. She didn’t teach me a lot I don’t think. She was too busy I’m assuming.
21. I often feel unloved. Then I realize that I shouldn’t look towards my parents for that feeling.
22.I know people love me, but I over analyze their affection for me. Yes, I’ve doubted our friendship even though I may not need to.
23. I sleep better when someone is in the bed with me.
24.I have sleeping problems and always have, but I’ve never felt the need to see a doctor about it.
25.I have relied on pills, drinks, and superstitions to help me sleep.
26.I am a morning person.
27. I didn’t date in high school either, but had a crushes.
28.I normally had one serious crush each year. Chris W. lasted grade nine and ten. Andrew M. was my first highschool crush, and Matt W. came after Chris.
29.I puked at my highschool prom.
30.I think I’m allergic to tomatoe pastes.
31. My date was Ryan U. I felt bad about ruining his night, but I think it benefitted him.
32. I was never a popular girl.
33. But always got along with the nice people.
34. I am senitmental but have little desire to meet up with anyone from my home town.
35. I only go blonde. I’m not bold enough to change my hair colour.
36. I’ve never broken a bone. But begged my mom to take me to the emergency for a skin rash and ear infection.
37. My brother had stomach problems as a child and ended up in the hospital on my birthday. He got all the attention and I was very sad.
38. My mom often forgets my birthday and rarely acknowledges it. But then again, I never call her on her birthday either.
39. I take after my mom in other ways too. I laugh at my own jokes.
40. In Res I received the “Dry Humour” award. I was very honored because it was true, rather then getting the “best smile” award, because we all know I wouldn’t deserve it.
41. I disliked my first year roommate, but she’s the one who snubbed me in the end. And she did like me.
42. In first year I gained the frosh 15 in a month. Thanks to 4 meals a day with Craig, Joey and Kristy and thanks to all those cherry cheese cakes that V1 sold at 12am.
43. I’m attracted to men in cowboy hats. Take George Canyon for example. Ummm Hot!
44. Kenny Chesney doesn’t crank my tractor though.
45. It was only in Residence when I realized that I was attractive. Colin had noted that there was a lot of hot women on the floor and then he looked at me. It was cool to hear it without begging for a complement.
46. I am humble about my appearance and there is not much I would change.
47. Except, I would have smaller ears.
48. I dislike my voice and rarely leave voice mail because I don’t think I sound good.
49. That’s probably why I don’t like using the telephone either, and because I’m shy. I think email is a great mode of conversation.
50. I find talking about myself hard, but I hate hearing others talk about themselves.
51. I dislike cocky people. I’m not saying you should all be humble, but who made you the king of the world.
52. I’m a mennonite, I have no self confidence bone in my body.
53. I too blame my parents for everything in my life.
54. I was physically, emotionally, and mentally abused growing up.
55. I get anxious and stressed when people raised their voices, either to me or any noun.
56.I have a temper like my dad but I (unlike other family members) choose to work on my eruptions. I am gentle and don’t argue about eating the last cookie.
57. I haven’t talked to one of my sisters in a really long time. I don’t really plan on it too soon either.
58. She didn’t treat me kindly and even though I won’t hold grudges I don’t like what she’s doing to the family.
59. I have a cat named Snoopy. It’s named after Snoop Dogg. Cory and Phil named it Snoop, but when I took full custody of it I started referring to it as Snoopy and now that’s what everyone calls him.
60. I’m jealous to see how much my roommate loves his daughter. He doesn’t have custody but spends every waking mintue talking or thinking about her.
61. Her room in the house was the first room he set up. His room is even still not completed.
62. It makes me think about how much my parents should love me.
63. I love Sushi too.
64. My favourite is Salmon and Cream Cheese.
65. I’m going to have my first Thai experence today.
66. I bought a really big thing of spinach and I feel the need to eat it up.
67. I’ve had some really good salads recently. Anything really does go.
68. My roommate doesn’t like me cooking for him because it makes him feel like he has a wife.
69. I can’t say I like cooking, but I feel the need to eat healthy. If I cook for more then just me I’m more likely to put more effort into my meals.
70. I’m going to miss him when I go.
71. I lived with Mike for three months.
72. And disliked it, I cried frequently when he left the appartment.
73. We’ve slept together since we broke up.
74. We actually did it whenever we got together, except once.
75. He is in India or someplace now and I miss his friendship. He’s the only person who knows just what to say to me when I’m depressed or lonely.
76. I’m depressed now but think it may just be unemployment blues.
77. I have too much time on my hands.
78. I still think about Mark but think I’m over the “my life won’t go on” phase.
79. I think a man with an education is important.
80. But not within Geography or Biology. I’m not sure I want to date someone who knows more then I do about it.
81. Unless they are good looking and not cocky about their knowledge.
82. Brian seemed to take a thrill from explaining biological things to me. I hated it.
83. I think Brian has moved on from me.
84. Maybe it’s because I can still beat his ass in Mindsweeper. He said I was a good teacher though.
85. I don’t really hide the fact that I have too much time on my hands.
86. I think my roommate might be concerned about my lack of social life.
87. I depend on the people I live with for a social life. Outings are fun but I’m a home body.
88. My sex partner count is 3.
89. I worry that I will be considered a slut if I increase that number.
90. I dated Mike for almost 5 months before losing my virginity to him.
91. I think making love is better then sex, but sex isn’t bad either.
92. My mom’s sex talk was “It’s not that good”
93. I think she was lying to me, she must have done it more then 10 times at least.
94. My mom doesn’t shave her legs but you can’t even tell.
95. I’m blond and my leg hairs are blond as well.
96. I’m enjoying making this list but I’m surprised I got this far.
97. I’m going to be late for Thai.
98. I’m never late.
99. I hate being late and actually prefer being 15 mintues early.
100. I get extremely anxious when I’m late and hate making an enterance.

Lack of a social life

I'm unemployed again. I guess maybe if i tried harder i could have had something lined up. But my plan was to devote a month to job searching and then when i move to the Toronto area and i'm still unemployed I'll pick up a retail position someplace and job search in my spare time. But as luck would have it the internet at my place has yet to be installed and I'm forced to do my job searching at the library. And we all know how much work actually gets done that way. I procrastinate every way possible and send the odd cover letter when i'm not distracted by personal emails, the people at the library and the constant talking.

My roommate was out of the house by the time i woke up. It fusterated me and left me analyzing our relationship. Anything makes me over analyze this. Last night as I went to bed I said, I'll see you in the morning. He probably said 'have a good night' or 'ya (i will see you in the morning)' nothing about not being there when I wake up. So as I was lying in bed contemplating waking up, i wondered if he was awake yet. I didn't hear him but he normally only leaves the house around 9ish or 10ish and it was only 8. I know it's pathedic to blog about but i'm disappointed that I didn't get my morning social time with someone.

Half an hour gone and I'm honestly tired of sitting here. I promised I'd stay here for two hours but i don't think i'm going to be able to handle it any longer. If I go home I won't do anything and if I go anywhere I'll spend money. I didn't get the job that I had an interview for so I'm a little down and this rain isn't helping. Yup, always nice to establish a social life wherever you go.

I haven't been able to blog for a while and it's been eating me up. Thankfully I found my journal and have been able to write thoughts down in there. My internet has been cut off at my new place and with my roommates busy work schedule I feel like he may never have time to put it together.

I don't have much to blog about, anything exciting happening is secret journal stuff anyways. Nothing really secret, I'm sure the world knows about it now, but it's always nice to have secret thoughts.

I'm at the library now with 33 minutes left to type. Hopefully I can re-entre my card number and continue using the net. I need to be job searching and looking for employment but because I dislike this phase I feel that time is better spent blogging.

~~~

So i get along with my new roommate. I don't think either of us are hard to get along with but it makes life easier when you do get along with your roommate.

Although I'm not going to lie to you. He's a pain in the ass. He is extremely anal about everything and if he wasn't so blunt I'd fear that he'd hold his fusterations in and kill me over spilled milk. I enjoy testing his limits though and will one day get the nerve up enough to not use a coaster and not line up my shoes at the door just to watch him freak out over something so minor.

I have so many stories and so many fusterations but I will save them for another procastination blog.

thanks for reading.

I think the world lost a great guy today.

I didn't watch the Crocodile Hunter or anything else he did, but I took comfort in his passon. As a conservationist/animal activist I adored his work. I, as I'm sure the rest of the world did, assumed he was invincable and his death comes as a shock.

I send prayers and sympathy to his family. Rest in peace, Steve.

Thank you letter

Attn: Partnerships of the O.S.R. Program, O-town and Area.

Thank you for hosting my crew and I. With each waking minute of your time, I was able to watch my crew get lazier and lazier. The summer started slowly but almost picked up during the second week with the C.S.W program. My strongest apologies go out to Bill and David and there Friends, you had them on their last week and they made it perfectly clear that they couldn’t give a fuck about the tasks at hand. My apologies again, I am aware that it was a big waste of your time to even attempt to get them to do something positive for the environment.

Thank you again. Please do not take any laziness personally. Their dislike for the jobs is merely a result of their spoiled upbringing and an assumption that they will get paid merely for their presence. Please feel free to join me in detest of them; not only was the work you had in mind not done with quality, but your and my tax dollars were wasted in attempt to motivate them.

Thank you again in wasting your time.

Sincerely,

Martha, Crew Leader

*The real 'thank you for your time' letters were very difficult to write so I joted some thoughts that i was really thinking, and this was the outcome. I wish i could acutally send it out.

unproductive day

I’ve done all I can do with work today and blogging seems like the last thing left to do here at work in order to keep me here for as close to the 8 hours as possible. Because my job duties are actually done, I’m just in the office to work off my 12 week contract. I finished the report and now I rely on emails from my boss to occupy my time.

I find this computer stuff boring. Maybe if it was my job and I knew what to do when I wasn’t given any work to do, it might be different. But how does my boss figure that editing a small thank you letter will take up 8 hours of my day. I do have enough banked hours that I didn’t even need to come in today, but I’m here now and may as well look productive.

I’m not productive though. I’ve done a few things today but my mind is elsewhere and it’s hard to focus. I’m smitten. And it’s not a healthy smitten either so I won’t bore you with the details. But these things happen. I guess when I was working with my kids and it was raining, we’d do a job inside and we’d call it a “Rain Day”. Mentally this is a rain day and I may have to deal with the fact that I have nothing to show for productivity.

Speaking of my kids, I may or may not miss them. As I dropped them off after the summer end party last Friday, I thought to myself that it was a sad day and I will probably never see them again. I remembered a lot of fun conversations, their youthfulness, and their friendships I formed with them. But after a week has past, I have realized that I’m not entirely sure my missing them is permanent. They were lazy workers who gave me a bad name. As I talk with my boss about them, every word out of our mouths is negative. So I’ve decided that no, I don’t miss them anymore.