Update.

I guess I can/should blog now. I dislike how most of my blogs are personal updates and I wish I had more humorous stories and/or advice and/or opinions. Which I do have and tell myself all the time but I rarely blog about these random thoughts; example, the recent Madonna adoption, why broadcast letters are better then cover letters or the he said/she said type things.

I feel though that if all my friends read my blog I wouldn’t have to send emails, which I don’t anyways, and people could just check up on my life as they please. However, I’m not organized enough to have a purpose for a blog so I guess I should still send random emails. But read on anyways.

Anyways, I was offered a job Tuesday and I start Monday. Not a lot of notice, but when you’ve been unemployed for the past two months, you really don’t need much notice. I’ll a Shoreline Assessment Technician. At this time make your own judgement of what I will be doing, I haven’t yet began my job but know this: I will be assessing shorelines and entering details into a database. Sounds cool eh? I’m sure it will be. (I of course will post more on it later)

~

P.S - I think Madonna is trying too hard with her recent adoption thing. We already have one Angelina on this earth and I’m glad she’s endorsing causes that need attention, but don’t cause attention just to try and show the world that your doing a good thing. Give the boy back Madonna!

P.S.2 - Dear A: Don’t ever imply that my choice of words like using the F-word or “shit” to vent frustration could cause you to stop loving me. Should I be glad that you still love me regardless of using those words? Possibly, but with that attitude, it makes me think that you will only love those who are Godly and pure and not love anyone who may not be on that page with God.

One month

I didn't think I would be able to do it. Sometimes you have to close doors. Normally I prefer to keep doors open as long as I can before letting go, but his blog cut me in ways I didn't realize words could. He was always nice but i could feel his chill in his words and for that I didn't think I would ever be able to read his blog again.

Months past and a few attempts were made to recconnect, but nothing went anywhere. I'm sure, dispite what I once thought, we clearly aren't meant to be.

But for some reason almost a year later I had an urge to relook at his blog. I typed in the address (surprised I still knew it) and braced myself for some heartache. However, not much seemed to have changed about it. He had changed some displayed pictures and his last few entries were shorter then what I remembered. But the biggest surprise I had was that the last entry was writen been writen a week or two earlier. I continued to check back. Why has the blog master stopped posting? The 22nd marked the one month of entryless blogging and that seems to be a long pause from someone who would post once a day or every other day.

It doesn't hurt though, the checking back, his picture and his entries about celebrity crushes he confesses once in a while (like the TicTac girl who I still dislike).

A successful move on, waiting for the next.

loosing it

this is bull shit.

How have i been job searching for this long with no results. I spent 8 months calling contacts, writing cover letters, and sending resume after resume for what?? A three month contract.

And now i'm applying to retail jobs telling myself to lower my standards. I have a fucking degree to bypass having to do this. But destiny is destiny right?

loosing it...

PS. I think anyone with the name Destiny should hate their parents for giving them that name. It shouts "I'm pregant by accident but it must be destiny for this baby to be here."

Dilemma

When I was younger and still living at home, I’d get bored frequently. We lived in the country outside of a small town. There was 11 houses in a row surrounded by fields of corn, soy bean, and sometimes wheat, depending on the rotation. Kelly lived next door, Marianne two doors down and Amanda 5 houses away. I’m not sure how often I got together with the neighbours, but for some reason I remember being bored.

“I’m bored” I’d say after hours sitting in my room and not being able to take it anymore. I thought that mom would have some ideas or take me someplace away from home. But to my recollection she merely acknowledged my complaint and probably just waved her hand gesturing to find my own activities to do. In times like this I probably joined a sibling with one of their activities, went for a bike ride, gone to see one of the neighbour girls, or sat around for longer driving myself to insanity.

And now years later, I’m bored again, or maybe rather still. High school and University have come and gone and in those years I spent a great deal of time submersed in schoolwork and enjoying my social life. I didn’t really get involved in activities for a few reasons. A, I didn’t know what I wanted to do; B, I was too shy to get involved, and C, I wasn’t brought up with the desire to be involved.

So now, I’m done school and lack a social life. What do I do to fill the hours of the day where I want away from the computer and the one bedroom apartment that I have been living in for the past 15 days?

-I’ve wanted to join a gym but don’t want to go in there alone and I don’t want to be persuaded into something I don’t want to buy (yeah like a expensive membership).
-I’ve thought about doing a class of some sort but a, I’m shy; and b, I’m not set in staying here that long and wouldn’t want to get involved in something when a job may take me elsewhere.
-I’ve done several trips to the mall and have actually done the movie theatre alone. It wasn’t that awkward but for some reason I always feared it may be. But to continue with mall trips and watching, I need more money.
So I’m listening. What do I do to occupy my mind? Taking suggestions.

oh...weird

Did I hear correctly? Was there actually a sigh of disappointment as I was about to head out the door yesterday to drive back to Brampton?

“Oh going already?” It was 11ish on Monday morning, my car was packed and I was anxious to be back in Brampton in time for a potential phone call (which still has not came). “You know you can stay as long as you want.”

Unfortunately that’s true. I have no time constrants, I have no job. And although I had an alright time at home this weekend, I’ve never desired to be home rather then anywhere else so why start now?

My mom actually walked me out the door. This shocked me. It wasn’t the “drive safe” speech, or the come back again speech which probably came later. She walked me to the car continuing to talk about one of my sisters or my intentions for employment or whatever.
After 24 years of feeling neglected as most of my siblings have felt, being that there is 10 of us. Am I sensing some concern and care? I guess it’s always been there, but it feels weird being able to acknowledge it.

The trouble with love

(however, I am aware that these feelings are not love and rather just a heartache)

It truly doesn't care how fast you fell and what kind of shape it leaves you in. And yes, it'll leave you!

Let's go back to four months prior to now. The big blog discussions were my new car and the drama that ensues with a car purchase after being deathly afriad of driving, (note: I do enjoy driving now) My new job and the move across the province, my quilt, etc. I reread the month of June over again and guess what... no discussions of men. I know with certain readers i need to limit the bashing of crushes but it's always clear when they are on my mind.

So as I drove to Ottawa, exactly four months ago today, P was on my mind, M was almost off it, and B was a mere thought, but Ottawa and the men of O-town would soon engage my thoughts. I was wrong though. The men of Ottawa never really came my way. June, July and August flew bye and for once i was content with myself. I drove to the grocery store, I drove to work everyday and I enjoyed Sushi with my roommate on thrusdays. A happy time, except for a dislike for the kids, was upon me.

But then my fling happened and I'm left to wait for his reply to his email. I know that I left Ottawa and I left him behind. It was always the plan but I didn't think it'd be this hard. I want to talk to him again and I have plans to call him tonight, but he hasn't replied to my emails so I wonder his sinsarity to the jesture of us keeping in touch. I'm not sure if i can walk away cold turkey as he may be able to do. I guess I just wanted to be something more then just a notch in his belt.

So the trouble with this is that I fell and he doesn't care how fast I fell and I'm having a hard time letting go. Ah hell, of course this is a phase and it'll pass


The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See, you got no say at all

Been better, yes.

I was told that I sound depressed and asked if I was. I admitted to being down and blue but some minutes are better then others and I'm sorry readers if all you are reading lately is me wine. But suck it up and read on (or don't read on, completely up to you).

A. This job searching thing is annoying. I searched for 7 months to get a 3 month long job and now before I know it I'm back at it. I'm contacting the same contacts I had merely 4 months ago and writing more cover letters and handing out more resumes. It sucks and waking up every morning with little purpose in life really gets me down.

B. Ending flings aren't fun. Every TJ Jeep, every touch of cordroy, and every moment breathing reminds me of him and the laughs we had. Be it me though to leave what makes me happy in search of some other dream or feeling.

So read on about future struggles in with this job hunting, boy stories and adventures in this strange town.

This damn waiting game...
I'm waiting for emails from a friend, from job connections and from possible interviewees.

And on top of it all, I thought it was thursday and I had one more day to wait before throwing in the waiting shoes for the long weekend. Apparently its friday though. So even though i have no life, I managed to loose a days worth of ... um... waiting.

again

Moved again.
Still feel like a squatter. This is the third place in two months where the walls are bare and I’m sleeping with boxes surrounding the mattress I have laid out on the floor.

I moved to Brampton. It was the plan after leaving Ottawa. I’m here looking for a retail job until something in my field comes my way. But thoughts of regret plague me as I set up home in a new location. ‘I should still be in Ottawa with Tim.’ I for once felt I belonged, and I just needed to get life sorted out there then I would have been more content. If I didn’t have plans to leave I don’t think I would have.

But I left and I’m homesick for a house that I barely lived in. I miss a man I barely know, and I long for the Desperate Housewives livestyle I had for a month.
But it’ll fade and as soon as I get this lifestyle figured out, I’ll be content. It’s just easier to be lonely when someone else is around.