LUB - Day 20

It was classic, and I don’t mean to underestimate his pain, but I should have expected his drama.

Yes, another story about Lazy Urban Boy. Everyone who’s listened to my stories about LUB knows that he’s the first one to complain of any injuries. Pulling Swallow-wort wasn’t fun and he sprained his foot a few days before so he couldn’t walk. Another day painting wasn’t his favourite task and his back hurt. And then he was bored with the weedwacker and so he began to complain about the strain to his arms. Etcetera, Etcetera, Etcetera.

So today I shouldn’t have been surprised when he came walking up to me with his hand bandaged like a cast. I had skipped break to keep nailing and let the crew know to just get back at it in 15 minutes. I felt bad and thought what if something bad happens to them and I don’t know cause I choose to work.

“What happened Pumpkin?” I asked. Apparently over the weekend he was fishing with a buddy and he got the fishing line around his fingers. It cut his skin apparently and the hammering had reopened his wounds.

Ah pour baby, I thought with a very sarcastic frame of mind. If your two fingers are bleeding, wrap the fingers not the hand. I continued to think. But whatever, if I don’t baby him then he’s going to tell his mommy again and then it’ll come back to me again. I’ve given up previous thoughts that I will work them hard. They know they can push my buttons and have shown that their means of pushing buttons shows no boundaries. I have almost ceased to care. It’s evaluation time soon too, and knowing you’re liked never hurt anyone.

Figures though eh? I mean, he could really be in pain and unable to hammer, but still, another injury for LUB, none for anyone else.

I burned every bridge
I wanted it that way,
I thought.

I thought that if you hated me,
And I knew you did
I could move on
And get the closure I needed

Wrong.
I’m still holding on

my oppses

Work went well today. It rained on us and thundered and lightened but I love that sort of stuff so it was cool. My kids weren't on my nerve today and I feel I might have them under control now, but, no, of course I don't. Tomorrow they will be pushing my last button again.

Oops One: "the boys said you hit the pole at the shop." Brent says to me. Brent is kinda in charge of me for the next few days. My boss is on holidays and my crew and I were sent to work with Jim, Brent's boss, but Jim is also on holidays. (Yes, I do feel like a burden on people, thanks for asking). I smirk, I admit it and I begin to wonder which boys. My boys, the one who was with me, or the boys that also work under Jim, with Brent. Who's talking to whom I wonder. Was I punished I wondered?

I began joking about the incident saying: "yup, one way to bruise an ego" and "I checked though and the pole is still standing." I also noted that I tried to tell my boss but he was too busy to bother with me. Smiles were exchanged and I think all may be good. I hope it's not too big of a deal though.

Oops Two: As a leader my major role is the safety of my little shitheads. Today we were working in the woods, clearing yet another fucking path. C and B were ahead of me clearing a path a few yards away, LUB was weed wacking and K and I took our time working between the three boys. I heard my name, I jumped to the thought that it's LUB and his power tools (that he is legally not allowed to work with), I run to him to find him staring at my paniced look very blankly. "Did you call my name?" I said. "No"

Shit, I attended the wrong person. I begin to run back through the bush. The freshly wet, the freshly trampled and the rocky path with my steal toe boots. I fell. It hurt and i sucked back the tear that really wanted to fall. 'Idiot' I thought to myself. I couldn't show my weakness though and I began to walk off the pain. The other boys aren't working with power tools and they won't be in any great pain to need to rush. (they aren't worth this pain I remind myself) When I arrived at their path, they too looked blankly at me. "Did you call my name?"

"Yes, Martha, Can we get aids from mosquitoes?"

What?? I rushed and hurt myself for that?? "No, I explain. Mosquitoes generally only suck one persons blood and then they die" My explaination went on for longer even though it might not even be true. I don't remember what else i said, I will remember the question for a while and may have a bruise and have lost the use of my wrists for a few days. Oops I'm an idiot thinking that I needed to rush.

The Hater

If you know me at all you will know that I have a very strong dislike for Matthew McConaughey. Very strong and so much though that I'm annoyed that I am wasting blog 101 on him. However, I have been introduced to someone who hates him just as much as I do. The Hater. This article isn't fabulous, but any burn to the very unattractive and overly idolized Matthew McConaughey deserve some attention.

PS. Her article about the Miss Universe Pageant is also worth a read.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one in the world who dislikes MM. I can sleep now with hope that enough dislikers may put Mateo out of a movie and media magnet career.

Happy 100

Welcome to blog 100.

I would like to dedicate this blog, though the contents are pms induced, to Mark. He brought me back into blogging and it’s days like this when I need to the most. It’s coming home to empty house after a bad day at work and you just want to cry. Happy Belated Birthday Mark and I hope all is well with you.

~

On with the blog.

My boss was the cherry on top today. After a long frustrating day I guess all I wanted to hear was “hi, how was your day? How were the kids? How was staining all day?” I didn’t need to tell him that I cracked the front of the bumper on the car, or that now that we cleaned the car it’s evident that I skimmed the side of another company car my first day driving it. I didn’t need to tell him that I had a rough day or that ‘Little Urban Boy’ is a pain in the ass or that the guy who was supposed to be in charge of me while my boss is on vacation is also going on vacation. None of that mattered then and doesn’t now. I’m not his wife and I don’t need to demand his attention, but when I couldn’t have it, that’s what I seemed to want the most.

So about the car, ya, um, oops. I was driving my one kid to the field that he was ploughing and I needed to turn around. I threw it in reverse backed up to the amount I thought I needed and then shifted to drive. Then bam, I hit the fence post. With embarrassment I threw it in reverse again and gave myself what I thought was enough room. It wasn’t and bam again. I could have cried. My vocab was enough to indicate my embarrassment and frustration with myself. B didn’t mention it, and I know that my other kids would have. Thankfully they weren’t with me. B and I exchanged a smile, with a mutual, ‘ya I know I’m an idiot.’ (And the other thing, well who hasn’t accidentally gotten too close to another car while parking?)

The rest of the day and the mood swings I’m blaming on my pms. Most women don’t admit to PMS running their days. And in the same way, if someone said, whoa are you PMS-ing? I’d say “fuck off.” But I can admit to it, and I knew that when I raised my voice to LUB that it wasn’t me, and I knew that when C got on my last nerve, it wasn’t really me either. I’m learning to shake their immaturities off, they are 17 and have no motivation and no reason, no logic and no respect for anyone but themselves. It’s their age I blame and not them. But do I really feel they deserve the Museum of Nature, NO. I don’t, but I’m sick of working and so I’m taking them. Yeah all should be better tomorrow.

Well the beer has begun to blur my vision (not that I’m drunk, merely just temporarily visually impaired) and so I will end my rant and my one hundredth blog. Thanks again for reading.

Sick

"Sick"

Yes I said it.

the words "ohhh sick" left my month.

I'm heavily influenced by my seventeen year old Rangers. Back in my day, the word sick meant to feel ill, to vomit, or to see something disgusting. Synonym of gross. Example : seeing that roadkill made me feel sick.

I said "Ooh sick" regarding the orange brand new Corvette parked in my parking lot after working in the feild. It was nice, very sweet, I loved the colour and it's probably a very nice ride. But back to my point. The word sick, to a bunch of 17 year olds, means sweet, fancy, i'd like to ride that, that cranks my tractor. Totally different then what it did.

When i first heard it said, I was confused. 'No, the porshe is not a gross car," I thought to myself, everyone knows that. After I few more "that's so sick," or "Sick!!" i consulted my other co-worker who is 19, she confirmed it. Sick is the new Cool, the new Groovey, the new Hot.

And yes, I'm now hip with the young'n (they just haven't realized it yet).

Mind Occupations

Because I normally sit home alone on a saturday night i thought that there is nothing better to do then blog. It's pathedic, I live in the nations capital and I spend my weekends here in my room doing nothing. I've picked up Jane Eyre again, but even that takes a back burner to my daydreaming and self inflicted bordom.

Mind Occupying Item 1: My Ex came over the other day. I was lonely and invited him over not thinking that he'd actually take the 5 hour drive here. We're good friends and up to last weekend i felt strong. I knew he wanted me back and I had the power to say no to any reuniting.

Last weekend however, we were sitting on my bed just enjoying each others company when he says, much like last time, "there's something I need to talk to you about." I tensed up, this guy just drove 5 hours at the spur of a moment to see me, if he's asking me out again, there is some force not to reject him. But that's what I had to do. I sat there though, waiting for his speech.

"I've accepted a oversees teaching job in UAE." Apparently after our last conversation and me stopping any notion of us getting back together he accepted the offer he was given. I'm happy for him. It's a great opportunity and he's been miserable for a while. But after a few days of thinking about it, I'm sadden with the thought of him leaving. He's been such a good friend to me lately and I'd hate to think of him being more then a phone call away.

I won't be as bothered by him leaving in a few weeks but it doesn't seem real and the thought of my backbone leaving makes me weak on so many levels. I need him but i guess he needs this.

Mind Occupying Item 2: My sister bought a car. She bought a Honda civic. At first I was jealous, I wanted a Honda Civic and now three of my sisters have one. But then she said that it was a 1984 model. why would she get something old?

She's a bad driver. She doesn't care if she takes up two parking lots, he turns are very slow and wide and her lane changes are incredibly scary. And she says "I'm going home for the long weekend, did you want to come with me?" I do want to go home for the long weekend, but i don't want to suffer through the 8 hour drive with her driving. Somehow there has to be a way to get her to let me drive my car. But she won't, she's someone who needs the power.

Mind Occupying Item 3: I'm not happy with my job. It's not fulfilling anymore and I'm fusterated at not being the great leader I was hoping I'd be. I haven't been confronted by my new mistakes yet, but I also haven't seen my Supervisor since the last time. So before i start thinking that all is well again, I might want to have a meeting with him first.

~

Hopefully my next job is closer to home, I miss my support base and family.
Maybe my next blog will be better reading. This one just seems to be an update to what's going on in my head, and that's not really as entertaining.

The Highs and Lows

Yesterday was faboulous. The crew’s progressed exceeded my expectations. In conversations prior to yesterday, I would state that the crew lacked motivation and that they are only 17 and this is most likely their first job and they don’t know what is expected of them. On Monday I was pleased beyond belief and I expected the earlier problems to be gone. Let me just stress how pleased with them I was before I move on, I was pleased. Clearly trail isn’t easy and they seemed to be actually motivated to do it.

But today the events changed, tables turned and tears were shed. My ego was bruised and my heart saddened. It started bright and early with a talk with the boss. The events of the coming month were noted followed by the lines “don’t take this personally, it’s most likely retaliation but…”

Apparently the mother of Lazy Urban Boy got annoyed that both my boss and I complained about her son’s progress, or more so lack of progress. His foot hurt Friday and even before the workday started I was tired of hearing about his pain. I was supportive but when I saw him walking fine, his sore foot excuse took little note in my books. It also annoyed the hell out of my boss and because LUB’s mom works with him he let her know.

I don’t know what she has to retaliate for. “Hello L, he’s your son, it’s not my F-ing fault he’s lazy!!” So in retaliation, she asked my four kids if I was a bad/ fast driver. They all said yes, truth or forced, I’m not sure. He said be careful and with the car it’s easy to drive faster but be careful. He said not to take it personally and that she might just be trying to find fault. Stab one, I sucked it up but it crossed my mind all day. Maybe I am a bad driver, but am I bad enough that all four found it necessary to complain about it?

Stab two came later that day. We finished at the site earlier and arrived at the office with an hour left on the clock. I walked to the office to greet my boss and get further direction. Explained, but he follows me out the door and I knew something was up. “There more,” he says and he proceeds re-explaining the guidelines that I need to enforce. “Make sure they get their breaks on time.” And my mind is gone, my jaw locks from frustration, and I knew at that moment my shades were doing more then just protecting my eyes from the sun. They were also hiding my tear soaked eyes from my boss’s. Those kids take more breaks during the day then they do actual work. And I turn a blind eye to it, 15 minutes turns into 25 and I show no concern. They push all my buttons and I fall for them and then they go home and tell mommy and daddy that they didn’t get their full break.

“That’s bull shit,” I tell my boss. Really? They don’t think they get enough breaks? “That’s bull shit,” I say again cutting my boss off with his justification and his ‘just be careful with breaks speech.’ Seriously, that is their complaints. “That’s it,” I announce, “they are getting strick breaks, no more pushing the limits.” They messed with me at the wrong time of the month.

And so I’m lost. I feel betrayed, cheated, used and incompetent. Even though it seems that I was making friends with the ladies in the office, that’s gone now. I don’t know who said what, or who’s on who’s side. But what is clear, is that I’m the wrong one. And that what I do, there will always be a complaint. I can take the fact that I’m a bad driver, but it’s the lies that piss me off.
That’s it. I really need to put this out of my mind. 15 minutes to midnight and something’s gotta give. Thanks for reading my rant.

Loneliness

Most mornings, although I’ve only been through a few, are the same. I arrive at the office at 8am to see only Karen’s Golf in the lot. She’s there, therefore the door is unlocked and I can go in. We have a 5 minute conversation if my boss isn’t in yet. One day it was about driving and dumb drivers, but yesterday it was different.

“I’m lonely here,” I explained in conversation about my upcoming birthday. Thursday may feel very lonely if I don’t plan for a dinner that night rather then save the partying for the next day. “I’m lonely too,” she said. And my heart broke for her.

I’m lonely here because I’ve left so much behind. I miss my sisters, I miss my high school friends, I’m missing out on the wedding preps, and I miss the sense of being home. I’m here short-term for a job then I’m gone again to an unknown place for an unknown length of time. It brings a sense of adventure, but that soon wears and I’m left here to dwell on the stress of money and friends.

But she’s lonely because her husband past away nine years ago and has only now began to date again. And I’m never going to get that, knock on wood, I’ll never know that feeling. I miss Mike a great deal, but lets rehash; I wasn’t happy as his gf and I broke it off, I’ve been through phases of dislike for him and I know that he wasn’t the one, and he’s still alive. She loved him and now he’s just gone, like that and I’m sorry that I feel lonely. I have no right to.

Anyways birthday countdown: 7 days.

The Long Ride

I guess the frontal lobe of their brain is still developing. That’s what I’ve been told. They lack reason and logic. And I think back to when I was them. I was them, but now, seven years later I have reason and logic and I forget that they don’t. And my frustrations begin.

Two days ago, on their first day, I brought them to the head office and sat in with them while they signed their life away amongst a million papers. You know the first day stuff. I was there with them when the lady explained that they needed to get their void checks/banking information in to me before Thursday, they also needed their birth certificates and SIN numbers. I was there and I took the blame for not telling them ahead of time to bring it with us on our first day. I reminded them each night to get those in to me. It’s their first check, not mine, they should remember what they needed. However, all hell almost broke loose when the day started out with a phone call from the lady at head office asking for the info. I hadn’t faxed it yet and I felt bad for holding onto the information but wanted to send it all in a package, makes sense right. I reminded them but still two of my four showed up this morning without the information. We were out all day and I thought I was going to have to deal with tears. I didn’t want to deal with it and I wanted to tell them all off. “It’s not my check on the line, it’s yours so why can’t you remember what I’ve reminded you twice in two days for!” And then I remembered that they don’t think with reason yet.

*sigh*

It’s my third day with the kids and I haven’t yet put my foot down. I’m not a threat to them, and my authority has no bearing on their behaviour. I want them to say how high, when I say jump. Maybe tomorrow or the next day. I’m not holding my breath though, I think this may be the long ride.

Being bigger then the bear

I’m not writing as much as I planned on it after I got the job. I’m actually not doing much of anything since I’ve started my job. Of the twelve days I’ve been employed, two days involved outings lasting till 8:00 and 10:00 respectively, 4 days were spent in Sault Ste Marie, and the other 6 were probably spent settling in my place and playing the Sims. I have wanted to write more and work on more letters but it’s either because this chair in my room is uncomfortable or because I spent so much time during my unemployment writing and doing computer stuff.

I have stuff to write about though:

I want to congratulate Kristy and Chad on their wedding this past weekend. It was such a great time and hearing all the stories and compliments of Chad made me very happy that Kristy snagged him up. The ceremony was the shortest I’ve ever been too and good company and good food make for an excellent time. Congrats again, you two both got very lucky with your life partner.

Also while in the Soo, I had to sit through a number of training sessions. One being bear awareness training. This paranoids me because as a small town southern Ontario girl, the chances of coming across a bear are more real in Ottawa then they are in Aylmer. I’m sure the training was more geared towards the groups of people working further north, but it doesn’t hurt to pay attention. Anyways I walked out of there with the knowledge that I have to be bigger then the bear. And if you think about that phrase long enough, as I seem to have, it can apply to anything in life. Be bigger then your life issues, be the bigger person and walk away from whatever, etc, etc. That thought has just kind of stuck with me now and in my times of happiness coming home from a job that I really like I often think about how I have become bigger then my own bear.

Stay tuned for my next dorky phrase that I find myself blogging about.