better this way

“It’s better this way,” I say to stop him from expressing anymore of his feelings. I knew where it was going as we sat on the log stretching across the river. But for some reason I didn’t expect it. I liked what we were. We were friends who managed to overcome the ‘I hate you’ phase after the break up. He was so sweet to me when I needed a friend and I knew that he needed a friend as well so I tried to be there for him in return.

When we ended I was to a point where I was fed up with only being second on his priority list. Every thing else was number one. I knew he loved me as much as he was capable of, but that wasn’t good enough. I wanted more and didn’t think I needed to settle. We were Marg and Homer, and who wants that when being Will and Grace is better.

So I broke his heart again. But realistically I just haven’t helped his heart move on. It’s still holding on to me because I’m still in sight. He said the words “I probably would have asked you to marry me” and so I thought probably? We did date for a year and apparently you know within the first 6 months if you want to marry the other person. I told him that and I said that if he didn’t know by now, then it wasn’t meant to be. I told him that it wasn’t what he did, and that I was happy single. I didn’t really lie but I wasn’t exactly true. There are so many things he could have done, but that would have only prolonged what was bound to happen. We are both better suited for someone else out there but I care for him and hate the thought that he’s hurting.

So I sit here, contemplating if there is a better way of letting him down, wondering if I should have walked away back in October, and wondering how he’s feeling. It is better this way but it’s out of my hands now.