I feel like Lisa Simpson

I feel like Lisa Simpson playing the saxophone with Bleeding Gums Murphy and singing about the blues. “and just this past morning my mother gave my last cupcake away.”

However, I know these blues are merely just pms and post Christmas blahs and that in time, they will fade. But let me play my horn for a minute here.

My dad’s being an asshole again. Just the other day he removed the shower head from the shower preventing anyone from showering. Things like that are his way of taking his bad days out on us, his family. So waking up Saturday mornings are tough (he works the afternoon shift whereas I work the mornings and we see each other weekends) is he going to be nice or a jerk. And for this question, I hate him. I hated my childhood and the abuse I suffered but since I’ve been back I thought it was better. My dad and I were getting along great and for once I actually felt loved from my parents. But now, even though I know my dad’s bad days are not because of me they still exist and I’m left to relive my childhood thoughts of insignificance and sadness. Can my parents just be normal for once??

Yesterday was one of those Fridays that left me wanting beer and wings after work. However, the friends I do have in the area would probably not be up for the idea, each probably being too far from me, being at work or being with their lover. But then I kicked myself for not even trying to call anyone. I didn’t really want to bother anyone with my obvious PMS state. In a few hours anyways I will be getting together with my friends and seeing them two nights in a row might be too much. At this point in my dry spell, beer and wings would have been much better with male company anyways. This sob story has two parts:
A. Friday was a fine day in the field. The weather was nice and probably one of the last nice days we will have till the end of February when my job is over. I set a goal in the morning and only photocopied 30 pages for my co-worker. (30 pages is actually a lot to accomplish in a day.) So then by about 2:30 we had magically reached my set goal and had used up all thirty pages, but the weather was nice and we could have worked longer if we all felt up to it. But I didn’t. for some reason I wanted more then anything to be back at the office. The drive from the work site to the office takes an hour and with the keys in my hand already I got behind the wheel and the other two took there normal spots in the car. To make a long story short, or rather to get to the point. While I was driving more then 30 km’s over speed limit I realized I was rushing back to the office to see him, C. I wanted to spend another day working on the computer beside him making casual small talk that may eventually lead to the question of having coffee, or possibly wings and beer. Anything to get to know him better. But even though I longed to see him Friday, I told myself that I wasn’t going to see him just to see him and if I didn’t see him, it would be no big deal and I would see him again Monday or Tuesday. Now I long for that Monday or Tuesday.
B. I’m driving home wanting wings and beer and wanting to cry for some unknown reason. One crappy song after another I became more and more aggitaded and I hated the fact that I was driving home to spend another Friday night alone. We have no shower and I’m feeling like a burden. So to be nice I picked up a family pack of KFC on my way home. I brought it in the door to realize that everyone had already eaten. My mom had picked up my brother and sister from school and had taken them to McD’s for a treat. But the kicker comes when I find out they had wanted to get me something but didn’t know what so they just didn’t. Good thing I had the KFC in hand or I would have felt really lost, wanting wings and only making myself leftovers.

And now I’m frustrated and almost teary eyed because the guy I thought was my best friend is getting married and I’m not in the wedding party because I’m a girl and I’d throw off the whole all male wedding party thing. I know that being in someone’s wedding party is a pain in the ass and your working and organizing your ass off for someone who will be selfish in the end about every thing. But when someone means as much to you as this guy and his fiancé both mean to me and I to them it’s an honor and shows the appreciation of the friendship. But it’s one of those things that I can’t truly explain why I’m annoyed at, and why I even care. But I was the first person he told, before his parents and before any of his fiance’s friends or family knew and I sucked up all the hurt I had towards relationships then to be happy for him. He even told me that I’d be in the wedding party if there was going to be a wedding party, and so now that there is, I’m not. And I’ve gone down to being in the same boat as the other girls from University. I was the best friend and even maybe if I still am, I don’t feel like it. And maybe that’s why it bugs me, I don’t feel its mutual anymore.

“and I’m the saddest kid in grade number two”

The business card

I sent Tim a Christmas card. Not to rekindle anything, but to be nice, kinda to say that I’m still thinking of him and wishing him a Merry Christmas. Why else do you send a Christmas card?

Anyways, in the mail a few weeks later I receive a large envelope from him. What else gets mailed in a large envelope around the New Year and especially from a Real Estate Agent. Yes, a calendar. I open it with my mom standing there, knowing full well that it’ll only be a calendar with a brief “merry Christmas” type letter attached to it. I lived with him before, I kind of saw them all.

I open it and with the calendar comes two of his business cards. Not really sure why he still gives me his business cards, I have a million of them already. Anyways, my mom picks one up and asks if she could have it. I say fine. Sure, that’s one less that I have to stuff in my drawer of useless items. But rather then putting it away she displays it on top of the Microwave.

Does anyone else’s mom have a picture of their ex-lover displayed? I tried to knock it over one day and place his picture face down as though it just slide down with hopes that it might stay that way for a while. But only a few short days later it was upright again. I can’t explain to my mom who he actually is and why it’s slightly awkward for his picture to be there, so it remains upright until hopefully soon it comes down.

Although, why she wanted the card in the first place and why it’s displayed is beyond me.

What's my name again?

Remember C?
The one at the office who I’m anxiously waiting to get to know.

I remember C very clearly.
But today as he turns to ask a question about the functionality of the internet, he stops and says “Mmm (studder) Martha? Right?”

“Yes” I say. “It’s Martha. No my internet isn’t working either.”

Seems like the interest is on his part too, eh? How shattering.