Martha's thoughts

Wanting to believe...

2009-03-08T17:15:00.000-04:00

I want to believe that around the corner is a better life. Not that this one is all that bad, but I’ve always been a dreamer and looking forward to the future is more real to me then living in the present.

I took my roommate to see “he’s just not that into you” and even though it’s a harsh topic, I was expecting a happier picture. I found the movie took a long time to begin and everything seemed very negative. The main character constantly dates people who aren’t that interested in her, the next character is married to a guy who sleep with someone else (PS. Not a big fan of Scarlett Johansson) and the third main character’s boyfriend refuses to marry her so she calls it off.

I want to believe that when I finally do find that guy I want to be with, I’m not against the odds. I know that after 26 years of searching for that perfect guy for me, it’s not an easy task and sometimes people need to be told that fateful phrase, making it easier to move on, but still, I went to the movies to escape reality, not get told, and reassured what I already know.

He's just not that into you.

2009-02-22T12:10:00.002-05:00

The first time I read this book (He's Just Not That Into You), I read it with the notion that I knew everything Greg was saying and that I didn’t need to really pay attention. But now with the preparation for watching the He’s Just Not Into You movie, I’ve been reading the book again.

After a week and a half of not hearing from the guy I’m sort of dating, I’ve decided that I’m not going to be the one keep emailing or calling him. Is he into me? I’m thinking not. Am I concerned? Yes, I really fell for this guy and feel we have a lot in common. However, as noted, I’ve been through too much in the past few months to deal with more of these crazy “but I like him so much” emotions. If you’re into me sunshine let me know.

But I’m also wondering how us, as women, we can be so thick that we need a book to tell us what we already know on some level. I guess sometimes we just need someone else to confirm our thoughts and if your friends are too thick to have opinions on guys and feel you should stick with a relationship because it’s better then being alone, then read the damn book! Don’t stick it out and compromise happiness for companionship. It’s 2009, we can have kids without them, drive without them, climb up the corporate ladder without them and we can pay our own bills without them.

I’m sorry, I’m sounding like Greg.

I once, in probably a very bitter stage, told a friend that she was afraid to be single. I don’t remember saying it, but know it’s something I’ve most likely thought. And though it was probably hard to hear, she has since dumped his ass and loves being single.

Loves it ladies, and you will to. I do admit that I have times of being lonely, and feel the need for affection and physical attention, but I’d rather save it for someone who’s not dicking around with my heart strings.

Read it, and don’t be afraid to be a Greg, your friends need it!

life or something like it...

2009-02-20T20:32:00.002-05:00

I wish i could say that I've accomplished a lot in the past two years that i've been away from the blog. But unfortunately, I haven't. I'm back to being broke, back to the world of trying to figure out boys and I'm back on my own two feet, blogging, hoping for any answers to life you feel like dishing out.

Like any new grad, I've spend the past four and a half years trying hard to save up money and get my foot in a door in order to establish some sort of career. After being awarded a contract job in October of 2006, I moved in with my parents, and the blogging decreased. In February of 2008 I was handed a full time job at a different office and though i often thought of blogging, i didn't want the record of the blog address on either computer I was using.

Life happened and as much as I refused to life it, it didn't give me any other choice. I'm sure in future blogs I will post the struggles I've dealt with and where the outcomes have brought me. In the meantime, I'm excited to be back and blogging and i look forward to the following communications.

night.
M.

Your obsession grows

2007-03-26T17:45:00.000-04:00

You are still obsessed as the weekend passes. No word from the hottie and if it wasn’t for your friend who invited you over everyday for the past week, you would have killed yourself with worry and anxiety. But you continue to hit redial for his cell phone and you refresh your email account hoping for a brief but very important email from him.

Monday roles around, you’ve talked to his dad a second time on the weekend but no word. You can’t wait for the message to be passed along and you try other people who you know that know him to.

R, another hottie in the real estate business. You know him from a few bar visitations and would have gone home with him if you didn’t live with hottie A, who was guaranteed to respect you and be good. You think back to the time when hottie told you that it was R or it was him, you couldn’t have both. And you smile cause for once in your life you made a guy extremely jealous.

R emails you back, and your heart breaks.

Hottie emitted himself into the mental hospital and has been there for a few months now. R is willing to see you and sounds excited that you’re going to be in the area. You plan to get together with R. He is the next best thing, but you are sad for hottie and make plans to see him.

So you relax. Hotties alive and you are happy that he has taken the appropriate steps to fix himself but the fact that he is having troubles upsets you.

Your wanting to see him grows.

you go to Ottawa

2007-03-23T17:33:00.000-04:00

Picture planning a trip to Ottawa, you spin through the rolodex of friends who you’ve created there and determine who you want to see again and who don’t need to. One, your best friend, however, you find out he’s going to be in Europe (yet another exotic trip this year) while you are going to be there and two, the hottie you lived with before leaving O-town.

You send the appropriate emails out and make the calls, but the one you want to see most, the hottie, isn’t around or doesn’t reply.

You try and try and try again to talk to him, but his cell is off and no one seems to be picking up at home and the last email you received from him was back in January. So then you remember previous chats with him, he was depressed about a year back and almost committed suicide. Not knowing whether he’s fallen back in those shoes again you come to the conclusion that he has, so you contemplate him having done it and you wonder whether you really want to know or not.

The thought bothers you so much that you call his work. But the dagger in your back turns more as the guy on the other end of the phone has no idea who you are asking for. You explain who you are looking for more and the guy on the phone talks dumb to you, as though your world is not crumbling down at your feet and the realization of his non-existence takes one more bit at your soul.

You realize you do love him. Maybe not the way that you’ve been in love before, but now a trip to Ottawa isn’t worth the drive if you don’t get to see him, and you dread a job offer if you have to live with the constant reminder of what you left assuming you’d see him again.

So you call his dad, but the conversation is awkward and you manage to get your name out before it sounds like his phone has hung up and you hang up yours in confusion and realize that might not have been the case. But the dad would have said something about him, if he wasn’t alive. Rather then the “no he’s not around now can I tell him who’s calling.”

So he’s alive. You aren’t surprised, but you still have to wait for the message to be passed along and wait for him to get back to you. He could be super busy and may not want to be bothered with a cell phone any more. How often do you call his dad or when do you call his dad again?

You sit at your office doing a mindless job wondering about him. You have to blog about it and when you are done the blog you realize your talking in third person or describing a situation as though you are going to be in it and there might be some advice to give, but there’s not. I’ll keep you posted with what you do next, but you don’t know right now. And a tear falls and your thoughts continue to scrabble.

You really miss him.

Another piece of Jewelry

2007-02-08T12:51:00.000-05:00

Every so often I’ve had to make purchases for myself to remind me that I am sexy and cool and deserving of some jewelry, even if it is just for my own pleasure and peace of mind.

M’s disappointment bought me a ring. I rarely wear it due to attention span with wearing any such jewelry. But it’s nice and symbolizes being able to appreciate myself when it seems like other peple may not as much as I want them to.

And T’s disappointment in university brought me to get my naval pierced. I’m proud of that one and it makes me think of him when men play with that little ring through my stomach. You’d think it’d be awkward having thoughts of an ex-crush running through your mind while in an intimate relationship. However, with my past “players” it’s been nice to have the guy I first really dated on my mind. (its’ a messed up train of thought, I know)

So now with this recent disappointment with C, I ponder what would be a suitable piece of jewelry now. I only have two piercings and kinda like it that way, and I rarely wear jewelry. Or is he only just a crush that will fade with time, maybe he isn’t really worth the cash spent to better myself for him. I’ll wait and see.

But it makes me ponder, what kind of jewelry would he be?

I feel like Lisa Simpson

2007-01-13T18:53:00.000-05:00

I feel like Lisa Simpson playing the saxophone with Bleeding Gums Murphy and singing about the blues. “and just this past morning my mother gave my last cupcake away.”

However, I know these blues are merely just pms and post Christmas blahs and that in time, they will fade. But let me play my horn for a minute here.

My dad’s being an asshole again. Just the other day he removed the shower head from the shower preventing anyone from showering. Things like that are his way of taking his bad days out on us, his family. So waking up Saturday mornings are tough (he works the afternoon shift whereas I work the mornings and we see each other weekends) is he going to be nice or a jerk. And for this question, I hate him. I hated my childhood and the abuse I suffered but since I’ve been back I thought it was better. My dad and I were getting along great and for once I actually felt loved from my parents. But now, even though I know my dad’s bad days are not because of me they still exist and I’m left to relive my childhood thoughts of insignificance and sadness. Can my parents just be normal for once??

Yesterday was one of those Fridays that left me wanting beer and wings after work. However, the friends I do have in the area would probably not be up for the idea, each probably being too far from me, being at work or being with their lover. But then I kicked myself for not even trying to call anyone. I didn’t really want to bother anyone with my obvious PMS state. In a few hours anyways I will be getting together with my friends and seeing them two nights in a row might be too much. At this point in my dry spell, beer and wings would have been much better with male company anyways. This sob story has two parts:
A. Friday was a fine day in the field. The weather was nice and probably one of the last nice days we will have till the end of February when my job is over. I set a goal in the morning and only photocopied 30 pages for my co-worker. (30 pages is actually a lot to accomplish in a day.) So then by about 2:30 we had magically reached my set goal and had used up all thirty pages, but the weather was nice and we could have worked longer if we all felt up to it. But I didn’t. for some reason I wanted more then anything to be back at the office. The drive from the work site to the office takes an hour and with the keys in my hand already I got behind the wheel and the other two took there normal spots in the car. To make a long story short, or rather to get to the point. While I was driving more then 30 km’s over speed limit I realized I was rushing back to the office to see him, C. I wanted to spend another day working on the computer beside him making casual small talk that may eventually lead to the question of having coffee, or possibly wings and beer. Anything to get to know him better. But even though I longed to see him Friday, I told myself that I wasn’t going to see him just to see him and if I didn’t see him, it would be no big deal and I would see him again Monday or Tuesday. Now I long for that Monday or Tuesday.
B. I’m driving home wanting wings and beer and wanting to cry for some unknown reason. One crappy song after another I became more and more aggitaded and I hated the fact that I was driving home to spend another Friday night alone. We have no shower and I’m feeling like a burden. So to be nice I picked up a family pack of KFC on my way home. I brought it in the door to realize that everyone had already eaten. My mom had picked up my brother and sister from school and had taken them to McD’s for a treat. But the kicker comes when I find out they had wanted to get me something but didn’t know what so they just didn’t. Good thing I had the KFC in hand or I would have felt really lost, wanting wings and only making myself leftovers.

And now I’m frustrated and almost teary eyed because the guy I thought was my best friend is getting married and I’m not in the wedding party because I’m a girl and I’d throw off the whole all male wedding party thing. I know that being in someone’s wedding party is a pain in the ass and your working and organizing your ass off for someone who will be selfish in the end about every thing. But when someone means as much to you as this guy and his fiancé both mean to me and I to them it’s an honor and shows the appreciation of the friendship. But it’s one of those things that I can’t truly explain why I’m annoyed at, and why I even care. But I was the first person he told, before his parents and before any of his fiance’s friends or family knew and I sucked up all the hurt I had towards relationships then to be happy for him. He even told me that I’d be in the wedding party if there was going to be a wedding party, and so now that there is, I’m not. And I’ve gone down to being in the same boat as the other girls from University. I was the best friend and even maybe if I still am, I don’t feel like it. And maybe that’s why it bugs me, I don’t feel its mutual anymore.

“and I’m the saddest kid in grade number two”

The business card

2007-01-05T11:46:00.000-05:00

I sent Tim a Christmas card. Not to rekindle anything, but to be nice, kinda to say that I’m still thinking of him and wishing him a Merry Christmas. Why else do you send a Christmas card?

Anyways, in the mail a few weeks later I receive a large envelope from him. What else gets mailed in a large envelope around the New Year and especially from a Real Estate Agent. Yes, a calendar. I open it with my mom standing there, knowing full well that it’ll only be a calendar with a brief “merry Christmas” type letter attached to it. I lived with him before, I kind of saw them all.

I open it and with the calendar comes two of his business cards. Not really sure why he still gives me his business cards, I have a million of them already. Anyways, my mom picks one up and asks if she could have it. I say fine. Sure, that’s one less that I have to stuff in my drawer of useless items. But rather then putting it away she displays it on top of the Microwave.

Does anyone else’s mom have a picture of their ex-lover displayed? I tried to knock it over one day and place his picture face down as though it just slide down with hopes that it might stay that way for a while. But only a few short days later it was upright again. I can’t explain to my mom who he actually is and why it’s slightly awkward for his picture to be there, so it remains upright until hopefully soon it comes down.

Although, why she wanted the card in the first place and why it’s displayed is beyond me.

What's my name again?

2007-01-05T09:23:00.000-05:00

Remember C?
The one at the office who I’m anxiously waiting to get to know.

I remember C very clearly.
But today as he turns to ask a question about the functionality of the internet, he stops and says “Mmm (studder) Martha? Right?”

“Yes” I say. “It’s Martha. No my internet isn’t working either.”

Seems like the interest is on his part too, eh? How shattering.

What's my age again?

2006-12-16T14:48:00.000-05:00

Since my last “friend” I’ve gained a sense of confidence. I feel for some reason that I could get any guy I wanted, I’m just in a place where I don’t want any guy. Sure, I tell myself that often. It sounds good and I think it’s nice to finally have some type of confidence. However, how true is it? Could I really get any guy I wanted?

I’ve wanted lately, I just haven’t wanted in anyone in particular. However, I have been working with a potential for the past two months and my observation has left me thinking he might be datable. However, if I try and fail to get him, then I loose my new sense confidence and go back to square one, not having a reason why I’m single.

So C is cute, however I work with him and don’t want to make anything awkward. I have very little reason to talk to him so we remain distant. Yesterday was the work Christmas party and though I wanted to sit at the same table as him, just because he’s a potential, I didn’t. I sat across the room with my direct co-workers and then was on a team sitting at a different table yet. During this game I notice a little piece of paper get tossed at my table landing in front of me. I questioned the reason and looked around at who could have thrown it when I noticed C, turning quickly to avoid my attention.

Haha, what’s my age again? I’m crushing on someone who throws something at me to get my attention. How old are we?5? But, have I succeeded in attracting him? And if so, what do I do now? I think I could get anyone I wanted, but how do I proceed with getting them? I’ll take it slow though, maybe he’s got something in mind. (Assuming that he is actually interested)

The Single One

2006-11-28T19:27:00.000-05:00

I dreamt that I blogged about disliking being the single friend. And then I realized that I hadn’t blogged in a while and my dreams may be telling me about my secret desire to rant about this situation.

It’s more of a dislike then a hatred and a reason to stress myself out. But in recent conversations with the girls, I feel left out. They are my friends since grade nine and earlier so we will always have stuff to talk about, but now more then ever, the discussions are about the men in their lives. M has N, J has R and M has S. I’m always just listening to the problems, the laughs and the stories of sex. I can’t relate and it leaves me desiring a companion. I will express my desire for a companion, but want to stress that it is more so a desire rather then a need. I like being single; it’s cheaper this way and I’m not accountable to anyone.

I do however feel, that even though I’m the single one, I’m the favourite friend from most of the boyfriends. It makes me feel cool, and being the wretched third wheel isn’t that bad when the guy is excited to see me.

However, I am the single one, and at times it’s great. (More about that in a future blog).

2006-11-11T16:10:00.000-05:00

And now I breathe.

My fingers dial the numbers that can potentially reach you. Unlike the last time I dialled your number, this time I wanted to talk to you. But it rings and it rings and it rings. And I wonder where you. I don’t care what your doing and who your with, I care not if your having a good time, or if your miserable I just kinda wanna know how your doing.

I feel you’ve made a voodoo doll of me. Sometimes, randomly, my heart sinks, as though I’ve lost everything I never had. She’s great, you tell her. Like the same lines you told me. I’m out of your thoughts now, and I feel the stab.

I breathe the same breath as I did a minute ago, and the same that I will breathe from now on.

I still can’t let go and my heart sits in content with this but I miss you and hope you pick up the phone soon.

Update.

2006-10-28T16:21:00.000-04:00

I guess I can/should blog now. I dislike how most of my blogs are personal updates and I wish I had more humorous stories and/or advice and/or opinions. Which I do have and tell myself all the time but I rarely blog about these random thoughts; example, the recent Madonna adoption, why broadcast letters are better then cover letters or the he said/she said type things.

I feel though that if all my friends read my blog I wouldn’t have to send emails, which I don’t anyways, and people could just check up on my life as they please. However, I’m not organized enough to have a purpose for a blog so I guess I should still send random emails. But read on anyways.

Anyways, I was offered a job Tuesday and I start Monday. Not a lot of notice, but when you’ve been unemployed for the past two months, you really don’t need much notice. I’ll a Shoreline Assessment Technician. At this time make your own judgement of what I will be doing, I haven’t yet began my job but know this: I will be assessing shorelines and entering details into a database. Sounds cool eh? I’m sure it will be. (I of course will post more on it later)

~

P.S - I think Madonna is trying too hard with her recent adoption thing. We already have one Angelina on this earth and I’m glad she’s endorsing causes that need attention, but don’t cause attention just to try and show the world that your doing a good thing. Give the boy back Madonna!

P.S.2 - Dear A: Don’t ever imply that my choice of words like using the F-word or “shit” to vent frustration could cause you to stop loving me. Should I be glad that you still love me regardless of using those words? Possibly, but with that attitude, it makes me think that you will only love those who are Godly and pure and not love anyone who may not be on that page with God.

One month

2006-10-24T22:05:00.000-04:00

I didn't think I would be able to do it. Sometimes you have to close doors. Normally I prefer to keep doors open as long as I can before letting go, but his blog cut me in ways I didn't realize words could. He was always nice but i could feel his chill in his words and for that I didn't think I would ever be able to read his blog again.

Months past and a few attempts were made to recconnect, but nothing went anywhere. I'm sure, dispite what I once thought, we clearly aren't meant to be.

But for some reason almost a year later I had an urge to relook at his blog. I typed in the address (surprised I still knew it) and braced myself for some heartache. However, not much seemed to have changed about it. He had changed some displayed pictures and his last few entries were shorter then what I remembered. But the biggest surprise I had was that the last entry was writen been writen a week or two earlier. I continued to check back. Why has the blog master stopped posting? The 22nd marked the one month of entryless blogging and that seems to be a long pause from someone who would post once a day or every other day.

It doesn't hurt though, the checking back, his picture and his entries about celebrity crushes he confesses once in a while (like the TicTac girl who I still dislike).

A successful move on, waiting for the next.

loosing it

2006-10-19T12:35:00.000-04:00

this is bull shit.

How have i been job searching for this long with no results. I spent 8 months calling contacts, writing cover letters, and sending resume after resume for what?? A three month contract.

And now i'm applying to retail jobs telling myself to lower my standards. I have a fucking degree to bypass having to do this. But destiny is destiny right?

loosing it...

PS. I think anyone with the name Destiny should hate their parents for giving them that name. It shouts "I'm pregant by accident but it must be destiny for this baby to be here."

Dilemma

2006-10-17T21:26:00.000-04:00

When I was younger and still living at home, I’d get bored frequently. We lived in the country outside of a small town. There was 11 houses in a row surrounded by fields of corn, soy bean, and sometimes wheat, depending on the rotation. Kelly lived next door, Marianne two doors down and Amanda 5 houses away. I’m not sure how often I got together with the neighbours, but for some reason I remember being bored.

“I’m bored” I’d say after hours sitting in my room and not being able to take it anymore. I thought that mom would have some ideas or take me someplace away from home. But to my recollection she merely acknowledged my complaint and probably just waved her hand gesturing to find my own activities to do. In times like this I probably joined a sibling with one of their activities, went for a bike ride, gone to see one of the neighbour girls, or sat around for longer driving myself to insanity.

And now years later, I’m bored again, or maybe rather still. High school and University have come and gone and in those years I spent a great deal of time submersed in schoolwork and enjoying my social life. I didn’t really get involved in activities for a few reasons. A, I didn’t know what I wanted to do; B, I was too shy to get involved, and C, I wasn’t brought up with the desire to be involved.

So now, I’m done school and lack a social life. What do I do to fill the hours of the day where I want away from the computer and the one bedroom apartment that I have been living in for the past 15 days?

-I’ve wanted to join a gym but don’t want to go in there alone and I don’t want to be persuaded into something I don’t want to buy (yeah like a expensive membership).
-I’ve thought about doing a class of some sort but a, I’m shy; and b, I’m not set in staying here that long and wouldn’t want to get involved in something when a job may take me elsewhere.
-I’ve done several trips to the mall and have actually done the movie theatre alone. It wasn’t that awkward but for some reason I always feared it may be. But to continue with mall trips and watching, I need more money.
So I’m listening. What do I do to occupy my mind? Taking suggestions.

oh...weird

2006-10-17T14:42:00.000-04:00

Did I hear correctly? Was there actually a sigh of disappointment as I was about to head out the door yesterday to drive back to Brampton?

“Oh going already?” It was 11ish on Monday morning, my car was packed and I was anxious to be back in Brampton in time for a potential phone call (which still has not came). “You know you can stay as long as you want.”

Unfortunately that’s true. I have no time constrants, I have no job. And although I had an alright time at home this weekend, I’ve never desired to be home rather then anywhere else so why start now?

My mom actually walked me out the door. This shocked me. It wasn’t the “drive safe” speech, or the come back again speech which probably came later. She walked me to the car continuing to talk about one of my sisters or my intentions for employment or whatever.
After 24 years of feeling neglected as most of my siblings have felt, being that there is 10 of us. Am I sensing some concern and care? I guess it’s always been there, but it feels weird being able to acknowledge it.

The trouble with love

2006-10-11T09:33:00.000-04:00

(however, I am aware that these feelings are not love and rather just a heartache)

It truly doesn't care how fast you fell and what kind of shape it leaves you in. And yes, it'll leave you!

Let's go back to four months prior to now. The big blog discussions were my new car and the drama that ensues with a car purchase after being deathly afriad of driving, (note: I do enjoy driving now) My new job and the move across the province, my quilt, etc. I reread the month of June over again and guess what... no discussions of men. I know with certain readers i need to limit the bashing of crushes but it's always clear when they are on my mind.

So as I drove to Ottawa, exactly four months ago today, P was on my mind, M was almost off it, and B was a mere thought, but Ottawa and the men of O-town would soon engage my thoughts. I was wrong though. The men of Ottawa never really came my way. June, July and August flew bye and for once i was content with myself. I drove to the grocery store, I drove to work everyday and I enjoyed Sushi with my roommate on thrusdays. A happy time, except for a dislike for the kids, was upon me.

But then my fling happened and I'm left to wait for his reply to his email. I know that I left Ottawa and I left him behind. It was always the plan but I didn't think it'd be this hard. I want to talk to him again and I have plans to call him tonight, but he hasn't replied to my emails so I wonder his sinsarity to the jesture of us keeping in touch. I'm not sure if i can walk away cold turkey as he may be able to do. I guess I just wanted to be something more then just a notch in his belt.

So the trouble with this is that I fell and he doesn't care how fast I fell and I'm having a hard time letting go. Ah hell, of course this is a phase and it'll pass

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See, you got no say at all

Been better, yes.

2006-10-07T19:02:00.000-04:00

I was told that I sound depressed and asked if I was. I admitted to being down and blue but some minutes are better then others and I'm sorry readers if all you are reading lately is me wine. But suck it up and read on (or don't read on, completely up to you).

A. This job searching thing is annoying. I searched for 7 months to get a 3 month long job and now before I know it I'm back at it. I'm contacting the same contacts I had merely 4 months ago and writing more cover letters and handing out more resumes. It sucks and waking up every morning with little purpose in life really gets me down.

B. Ending flings aren't fun. Every TJ Jeep, every touch of cordroy, and every moment breathing reminds me of him and the laughs we had. Be it me though to leave what makes me happy in search of some other dream or feeling.

So read on about future struggles in with this job hunting, boy stories and adventures in this strange town.

2006-10-06T14:56:00.000-04:00

This damn waiting game...
I'm waiting for emails from a friend, from job connections and from possible interviewees.

And on top of it all, I thought it was thursday and I had one more day to wait before throwing in the waiting shoes for the long weekend. Apparently its friday though. So even though i have no life, I managed to loose a days worth of ... um... waiting.

again

2006-10-05T11:07:00.000-04:00

Moved again.
Still feel like a squatter. This is the third place in two months where the walls are bare and I’m sleeping with boxes surrounding the mattress I have laid out on the floor.

I moved to Brampton. It was the plan after leaving Ottawa. I’m here looking for a retail job until something in my field comes my way. But thoughts of regret plague me as I set up home in a new location. ‘I should still be in Ottawa with Tim.’ I for once felt I belonged, and I just needed to get life sorted out there then I would have been more content. If I didn’t have plans to leave I don’t think I would have.

But I left and I’m homesick for a house that I barely lived in. I miss a man I barely know, and I long for the Desperate Housewives livestyle I had for a month.
But it’ll fade and as soon as I get this lifestyle figured out, I’ll be content. It’s just easier to be lonely when someone else is around.

2006-09-27T14:57:00.000-04:00

It’s perfect.

I’m not sure why I felt the need to buy my roommate a gift because I’m leaving, but I did. Actually, I just finally came through on my promise that I’d buy him a plant to replace the fake flowers he had on a shelf.

These flowers meant nothing to him, the previous owner left them so when I told him about my dislike of fake flowers he laughed and said that I was welcome to replace them. I made that my goal. The next day the two of us went to Ikea to buy shower curtains, on our way through the store we came across this plant. We liked it and said that was the one. But curtains were all we wanted that day.

So today I went back to Ikea (for the second time this week) with a plan. I was going to buy a few pots for other plants I have bought for this place and a nice vase/pot to replace the fake flowers (which I took off the shelf a few weeks ago) and to my surprise I found this plant again. I purchased it and got to work repoting Tim’s plants.

My new plant is perfect and I’m so proud of myself for putting together the right amount of rocks with gravel and water. Yeah for me!

little rant

2006-09-24T09:07:00.000-04:00

Confession: I'm lonely.
I've been lonely before and just like then this is a phase it'll pass. I can't really expect to be freed of loneliness though. A, it's me and I'm normally only happy if I'm complaining and B, I moved to Ottawa for a job that is now over. I didn't move to Ottawa because my friends are here or to follow a boyfriend. C and R are here but they are together and I can't really expect to intrude on that too often. S and D are here, but they'd rather hang out with their jewish friends then R, C and I. That was evident when S cancelled dinner plans the other day.

Growing up though I had my parents and friends that were always there. Then I was at school and was always (except for one summer) living with people and then i was living with Mike and then I lived with a sister and then I moved in with another sister. But now I'm 6-7 hours away from all that i know. My friends and family are a phone call away but still...away.

So I sit here with my days contempting what i can all do alone and it's a sad thought. Because i'm plagued by the thought that these days represent many more days to come. Life should pick up though, shortly, I'm not worried.

Having Strep

2006-09-23T03:19:00.000-04:00

This is one of those pointless 3am blogs. Um. well it's a blog so 'pointless' can relate to most of my blogs.

I find that when I fall asleep early on in the night I don't sleep as well as if I went to bed later like 11ish -12. I discovered I have strep throat and because of that I think I was more fatigued then if I didn't have it. (And it was a friday night, unless you made plans with friends a head of time, you don't go out. So then what's left to do?)

So yeah, my trip to the walk-in clinic was quite eventful. My throat didn't hurt, but it looked extremely gross and since I have all this time on my hands i figured that maybe I should fix a potentially dangerous situation. So I ventured to the medical centre my neighbour suggested to me. I walked into a room full of children and feared i had the wrong place. I didn't so that was great. The wait wasn't that long and I was probably out of there within an hour.

At the sight of my throat the doctor told me that it was either a case of Strep or Mono. I thought, oh crap I can't handle being sick now. It will only put off my job searching longer and I really need to get at her. Although being sick is being sick so I could have let it slide. Anyways this doctor needed to get a swab of my throat tissues, so rather then gently and calmly putting that thing down my throat she jams it down like she's in a rush to get the sample out. I began to gag and physically removed her hand from my throat. And then she got pissed off at me. "Hello Lady, that hurts!!" She tries again with the same force, hopefully she actually got something because I still struggled.

Anyways the pharmaist was saying that if I have a choice I want strep rather then mono. Mono will take more out of me and take longer to feel better. Strep should be fine within a few days and should be cleared with the antibiotics that I was prescribed. I'm not sick though but am worried about being sick. The symptoms include fever and the like, but doesn't really say whether your expected to be sick if you have strep. We'll see I guess.

Well my roommate is now home and since he sleeps on the couch I'm probably annoying him with my presence and my typing. (And it's almost four in the morning so I should try to get more rest).

Hope all is well and more blogging to come shortly. (Anyone watch the Office the other night? Feel like discussing it?)

Deletions

2006-09-21T17:11:00.000-04:00

it's blog time.

I didn't mean to check. Well i did mean to check, i just thought the outcome was going to be different. I'm talking about msngeeks. if you've never heard of it, it lets you know who's deleted you from their msn lists and lets you know who still has you on their lists even though you've deleted them. It's not a good thing to check but when it's not checked out of evil intentions then it could be fine.

Todays check took me by surprise. I haven't been online able to check sites like that so I'm not sure how long I've been deleted. I have people on my list that i don't talk to that often and I feel like I won't much in the future. I was checking because I feel like if they have deleted me then I won't feel so bad about deleting them.

Different peoples msn lists are different. My friend R keeps his list strickly to his close friends. I'm not on his list even though out of his boyfriends friends, I'm R's favourite. I was disgruntled about R's deletion of me but C explained it to me and it's fine. If you only have 5 people on you list and I'm not a close close friend then i should be expected to remain on your list for long. But other people like my 15 year old sister have 100's of people on their list. But i'm probably in the middle. When someone doesn't talk to me and I have little plans on talking to them, I normally delete them. it's nothing personal, I just don't want to be bothered by constant pop-ups of people who I don't really care if they are online or not.

on with the current story... I was shocked to see that B, a guy that I've been friends with for the past year has deleted me. I hadn't seen him online for a while and so I emailed him. After not recieving a reply I began to be worried and called his cell. No answer. I don't mean to jump to the worst case senario but it happens when you loose contact all of a sudden like that. So i emailed his boss, who was also my boss when B and I met, asking her if he had maybe moved or maybe he was just super busy. Well, she said that he was still there and busy, but it's government so I know that he comes home 8 hours after his shift and would have all the time in the world to reply to a voice mail or email.

The conclusion i came to, because it's me and I have over analyzed this, is that he has realized that I wasn't interested in him and that we'd never work out. But i wanted a friendship and I don't understand why he's run after a year of friendships and mindsweeper. anyways. what would you do? email him confronting his absence or just letting him go?

100 things to know about me

2006-09-20T11:32:00.000-04:00

Sarah, my blog buddy had this fabolous blog the other day. (Maybe 3 or 4 days ago, I haven’t really kept up with reading much.) I thought it was great and felt the need to do my own “100 things about me” list.

1. I have 3 brothers and 6 sisters. All real, 7 are older and 2 are younger.
2. I am shy and I blame it on growing up and never needing to talk myself.
3. My parents are still together, their aniversary is September 30.
4. My mom is 54 and I don’t know how old my dad is.
5. I think I know all my siblings birthdays.
6. This past year I almost forgot my ex boyfriends birthday after drilling him for so long when my birthday is. (It was in fact May 30th, like I thought)
7. I am single.
8. My birthday is July 13, 1982.
9. I’ve met three other people with the same birthday. And many birthdays are the day before and the day after.
10. I think my birthday is a cool day. It’s weird but I take pride in telling people my birthday is the 13 of July, like it’s some day of importance or something.
11. I am currently watching Ellen Degeneres. I watch it often.
12. I, (like Sarah) don’t feel like I have a lot of interests.
13. Except for sometimes birds, music and men.
14. I feel like I’m a boring person to talk to. And when I’m holding in a secret I feel I’m more boring because I don’t talk afraid of spilling the secret.
15. I never have a secret that no one knows. Someone always knows what I’m holding in.
16. Currently I have confided in Soleil, Ashleigh and Phil. Don’t ask.
17. I am also currently unemployed.
18. I have a degree in Geography from the University of Waterloo.
19. It annoys me when people think I have a Bachelor of Arts. It’s actually a Bachelor of Environmental Studies. Waterloo is cool like that.
20.My mom didn’t teach me anything girlie liking shaving or makeup either. She didn’t teach me a lot I don’t think. She was too busy I’m assuming.
21. I often feel unloved. Then I realize that I shouldn’t look towards my parents for that feeling.
22.I know people love me, but I over analyze their affection for me. Yes, I’ve doubted our friendship even though I may not need to.
23. I sleep better when someone is in the bed with me.
24.I have sleeping problems and always have, but I’ve never felt the need to see a doctor about it.
25.I have relied on pills, drinks, and superstitions to help me sleep.
26.I am a morning person.
27. I didn’t date in high school either, but had a crushes.
28.I normally had one serious crush each year. Chris W. lasted grade nine and ten. Andrew M. was my first highschool crush, and Matt W. came after Chris.
29.I puked at my highschool prom.
30.I think I’m allergic to tomatoe pastes.
31. My date was Ryan U. I felt bad about ruining his night, but I think it benefitted him.
32. I was never a popular girl.
33. But always got along with the nice people.
34. I am senitmental but have little desire to meet up with anyone from my home town.
35. I only go blonde. I’m not bold enough to change my hair colour.
36. I’ve never broken a bone. But begged my mom to take me to the emergency for a skin rash and ear infection.
37. My brother had stomach problems as a child and ended up in the hospital on my birthday. He got all the attention and I was very sad.
38. My mom often forgets my birthday and rarely acknowledges it. But then again, I never call her on her birthday either.
39. I take after my mom in other ways too. I laugh at my own jokes.
40. In Res I received the “Dry Humour” award. I was very honored because it was true, rather then getting the “best smile” award, because we all know I wouldn’t deserve it.
41. I disliked my first year roommate, but she’s the one who snubbed me in the end. And she did like me.
42. In first year I gained the frosh 15 in a month. Thanks to 4 meals a day with Craig, Joey and Kristy and thanks to all those cherry cheese cakes that V1 sold at 12am.
43. I’m attracted to men in cowboy hats. Take George Canyon for example. Ummm Hot!
44. Kenny Chesney doesn’t crank my tractor though.
45. It was only in Residence when I realized that I was attractive. Colin had noted that there was a lot of hot women on the floor and then he looked at me. It was cool to hear it without begging for a complement.
46. I am humble about my appearance and there is not much I would change.
47. Except, I would have smaller ears.
48. I dislike my voice and rarely leave voice mail because I don’t think I sound good.
49. That’s probably why I don’t like using the telephone either, and because I’m shy. I think email is a great mode of conversation.
50. I find talking about myself hard, but I hate hearing others talk about themselves.
51. I dislike cocky people. I’m not saying you should all be humble, but who made you the king of the world.
52. I’m a mennonite, I have no self confidence bone in my body.
53. I too blame my parents for everything in my life.
54. I was physically, emotionally, and mentally abused growing up.
55. I get anxious and stressed when people raised their voices, either to me or any noun.
56.I have a temper like my dad but I (unlike other family members) choose to work on my eruptions. I am gentle and don’t argue about eating the last cookie.
57. I haven’t talked to one of my sisters in a really long time. I don’t really plan on it too soon either.
58. She didn’t treat me kindly and even though I won’t hold grudges I don’t like what she’s doing to the family.
59. I have a cat named Snoopy. It’s named after Snoop Dogg. Cory and Phil named it Snoop, but when I took full custody of it I started referring to it as Snoopy and now that’s what everyone calls him.
60. I’m jealous to see how much my roommate loves his daughter. He doesn’t have custody but spends every waking mintue talking or thinking about her.
61. Her room in the house was the first room he set up. His room is even still not completed.
62. It makes me think about how much my parents should love me.
63. I love Sushi too.
64. My favourite is Salmon and Cream Cheese.
65. I’m going to have my first Thai experence today.
66. I bought a really big thing of spinach and I feel the need to eat it up.
67. I’ve had some really good salads recently. Anything really does go.
68. My roommate doesn’t like me cooking for him because it makes him feel like he has a wife.
69. I can’t say I like cooking, but I feel the need to eat healthy. If I cook for more then just me I’m more likely to put more effort into my meals.
70. I’m going to miss him when I go.
71. I lived with Mike for three months.
72. And disliked it, I cried frequently when he left the appartment.
73. We’ve slept together since we broke up.
74. We actually did it whenever we got together, except once.
75. He is in India or someplace now and I miss his friendship. He’s the only person who knows just what to say to me when I’m depressed or lonely.
76. I’m depressed now but think it may just be unemployment blues.
77. I have too much time on my hands.
78. I still think about Mark but think I’m over the “my life won’t go on” phase.
79. I think a man with an education is important.
80. But not within Geography or Biology. I’m not sure I want to date someone who knows more then I do about it.
81. Unless they are good looking and not cocky about their knowledge.
82. Brian seemed to take a thrill from explaining biological things to me. I hated it.
83. I think Brian has moved on from me.
84. Maybe it’s because I can still beat his ass in Mindsweeper. He said I was a good teacher though.
85. I don’t really hide the fact that I have too much time on my hands.
86. I think my roommate might be concerned about my lack of social life.
87. I depend on the people I live with for a social life. Outings are fun but I’m a home body.
88. My sex partner count is 3.
89. I worry that I will be considered a slut if I increase that number.
90. I dated Mike for almost 5 months before losing my virginity to him.
91. I think making love is better then sex, but sex isn’t bad either.
92. My mom’s sex talk was “It’s not that good”
93. I think she was lying to me, she must have done it more then 10 times at least.
94. My mom doesn’t shave her legs but you can’t even tell.
95. I’m blond and my leg hairs are blond as well.
96. I’m enjoying making this list but I’m surprised I got this far.
97. I’m going to be late for Thai.
98. I’m never late.
99. I hate being late and actually prefer being 15 mintues early.
100. I get extremely anxious when I’m late and hate making an enterance.

Lack of a social life

2006-09-19T10:47:00.000-04:00

I'm unemployed again. I guess maybe if i tried harder i could have had something lined up. But my plan was to devote a month to job searching and then when i move to the Toronto area and i'm still unemployed I'll pick up a retail position someplace and job search in my spare time. But as luck would have it the internet at my place has yet to be installed and I'm forced to do my job searching at the library. And we all know how much work actually gets done that way. I procrastinate every way possible and send the odd cover letter when i'm not distracted by personal emails, the people at the library and the constant talking.

My roommate was out of the house by the time i woke up. It fusterated me and left me analyzing our relationship. Anything makes me over analyze this. Last night as I went to bed I said, I'll see you in the morning. He probably said 'have a good night' or 'ya (i will see you in the morning)' nothing about not being there when I wake up. So as I was lying in bed contemplating waking up, i wondered if he was awake yet. I didn't hear him but he normally only leaves the house around 9ish or 10ish and it was only 8. I know it's pathedic to blog about but i'm disappointed that I didn't get my morning social time with someone.

Half an hour gone and I'm honestly tired of sitting here. I promised I'd stay here for two hours but i don't think i'm going to be able to handle it any longer. If I go home I won't do anything and if I go anywhere I'll spend money. I didn't get the job that I had an interview for so I'm a little down and this rain isn't helping. Yup, always nice to establish a social life wherever you go.

2006-09-13T11:17:00.000-04:00

I haven't been able to blog for a while and it's been eating me up. Thankfully I found my journal and have been able to write thoughts down in there. My internet has been cut off at my new place and with my roommates busy work schedule I feel like he may never have time to put it together.

I don't have much to blog about, anything exciting happening is secret journal stuff anyways. Nothing really secret, I'm sure the world knows about it now, but it's always nice to have secret thoughts.

I'm at the library now with 33 minutes left to type. Hopefully I can re-entre my card number and continue using the net. I need to be job searching and looking for employment but because I dislike this phase I feel that time is better spent blogging.

~~~

So i get along with my new roommate. I don't think either of us are hard to get along with but it makes life easier when you do get along with your roommate.

Although I'm not going to lie to you. He's a pain in the ass. He is extremely anal about everything and if he wasn't so blunt I'd fear that he'd hold his fusterations in and kill me over spilled milk. I enjoy testing his limits though and will one day get the nerve up enough to not use a coaster and not line up my shoes at the door just to watch him freak out over something so minor.

I have so many stories and so many fusterations but I will save them for another procastination blog.

thanks for reading.

2006-09-04T16:34:00.000-04:00

I think the world lost a great guy today.

I didn't watch the Crocodile Hunter or anything else he did, but I took comfort in his passon. As a conservationist/animal activist I adored his work. I, as I'm sure the rest of the world did, assumed he was invincable and his death comes as a shock.

I send prayers and sympathy to his family. Rest in peace, Steve.

Thank you letter

2006-09-01T13:32:00.000-04:00

Attn: Partnerships of the O.S.R. Program, O-town and Area.

Thank you for hosting my crew and I. With each waking minute of your time, I was able to watch my crew get lazier and lazier. The summer started slowly but almost picked up during the second week with the C.S.W program. My strongest apologies go out to Bill and David and there Friends, you had them on their last week and they made it perfectly clear that they couldn’t give a fuck about the tasks at hand. My apologies again, I am aware that it was a big waste of your time to even attempt to get them to do something positive for the environment.

Thank you again. Please do not take any laziness personally. Their dislike for the jobs is merely a result of their spoiled upbringing and an assumption that they will get paid merely for their presence. Please feel free to join me in detest of them; not only was the work you had in mind not done with quality, but your and my tax dollars were wasted in attempt to motivate them.

Thank you again in wasting your time.

Sincerely,

Martha, Crew Leader

*The real 'thank you for your time' letters were very difficult to write so I joted some thoughts that i was really thinking, and this was the outcome. I wish i could acutally send it out.

unproductive day

2006-09-01T13:30:00.000-04:00

I’ve done all I can do with work today and blogging seems like the last thing left to do here at work in order to keep me here for as close to the 8 hours as possible. Because my job duties are actually done, I’m just in the office to work off my 12 week contract. I finished the report and now I rely on emails from my boss to occupy my time.

I find this computer stuff boring. Maybe if it was my job and I knew what to do when I wasn’t given any work to do, it might be different. But how does my boss figure that editing a small thank you letter will take up 8 hours of my day. I do have enough banked hours that I didn’t even need to come in today, but I’m here now and may as well look productive.

I’m not productive though. I’ve done a few things today but my mind is elsewhere and it’s hard to focus. I’m smitten. And it’s not a healthy smitten either so I won’t bore you with the details. But these things happen. I guess when I was working with my kids and it was raining, we’d do a job inside and we’d call it a “Rain Day”. Mentally this is a rain day and I may have to deal with the fact that I have nothing to show for productivity.

Speaking of my kids, I may or may not miss them. As I dropped them off after the summer end party last Friday, I thought to myself that it was a sad day and I will probably never see them again. I remembered a lot of fun conversations, their youthfulness, and their friendships I formed with them. But after a week has past, I have realized that I’m not entirely sure my missing them is permanent. They were lazy workers who gave me a bad name. As I talk with my boss about them, every word out of our mouths is negative. So I’ve decided that no, I don’t miss them anymore.

2006-08-30T09:22:00.000-04:00

I haven’t been able to blog for a bit and it’s driving me crazy. I lost internet access at my house and so I had to start checking my emails at work, but time gets cut short then and replies to emails and blogging can’t get done. I’ve been in the office for three days now writing the final report, doing basic clerical stuff for my boss, and doing his odd jobs.

Anyways, it’s 8:46 am and many people aren’t in the office. I’m sure people aren’t going to really care if I post a short little blog explaining my absence from my blogging. (I’m sure no one cares that I haven’t updated you all, but I do.)

My last blog was a drunken-I can’t sleep rant, and no one likes to leave that as the blog they type before not blogging again for a month.

the wedding blahs

2006-08-20T05:38:00.000-04:00

It's the morning after Mo and Jo's wedding and I'm laying on C and R's couch unable to sleep. I'm not sure how long i've been lying here but i'm getting bored. And with laptop available I had strong desire to blog.

"He apparently doesn't like blondes" J tells me about my inquiries to why I was sitting across the room from my friends. J&M thought that maybe this guy and I would hit it off. R was annoyed that we weren't all sitting together but in the end he had C, and N,A, and K had each other. I was set at a table with people I hadn't really met before. I should have been the annoyed one. The conversations worked though and the wine was readily available.

Who doesn't like blondes? Well, that's not really the point.
The point is, and i think i have one. Weddings are only fun if it's your own. Or your sharing the occassion with someone special.

I realized that I am way lonlier then I think I am. I watch M&J dance and I admitted to myself (obviously cause no one else was around) that I wanted that. I don't need it to be the wedding. I just wanted the affection from someone else. Now is not the time or place but your heart can only love your car so long before you realize its costing you too much money and you don't understand each other.

Don't cry for me though, I think many people feel this way. It's just that i'm not really surrounded with the other lonlies and my company and circle of friends equals either my high school friends and all their boyfriends or my university friends and their boyfriends.

Ah well, I have faith that one day, maybe now or maybe later, He will come along. I'm not holding my breath, but I still have to believe. I am still realitively young and it's still a desire for companionship rather then desperation.

I hope you've enjoyed my 5:30 blog. It almost feels less lonely knowing that you are reading it.

LUB...no shocker here

2006-08-15T19:59:00.000-04:00

My bosses eyes are rolled as he sees me walk into the office.
"What," I demand. He smirks, shakes his head and rolls his eyes.
"What!" I say again, getting fusterated thinking that I may have done something wrong.
He rolls his eyes again.

"[LUB's] dad called in today. Apparently he hurt his back yesterday and can't do any heavy lifting."
I roll my eyes and think to myself 'great, if his back hurts, LUB probably isn't coming in. One less person to change the station when a good song is on, one less person in the car and one less person to complain about the daily task.'

"He's coming in, but make sure that he doesn't do any heavy lifting," rolling his eyes again.

"What, I don't want here," my thoughts are all of a sudden louder then they should be. "We both know that he'll milk his injuries and won't do a damn thing" I say justifying my obvious dislike for the kid and refusing to accept his 'whatever' attitude.

I took my time filling out the paper work. It had to be done becasue the little S.O.B reported it. The day went on, very stressfully, but it went on. The tools that the kids were using became dull and broken with their use and I caught them wasting time throwing stuff at each other more then once. After lunch my boss joined us for a different project. He dislikes LUB as well and yelled at him for something minor.

LUB asked me about it in the car. It became a discussion and I said that him getting mad links back to this morning, but didn't really say why. I should have pulled LUB away after work to explain that the boss is getting annoyed with his constant complaining and injuries, he's annoyed that LUB is always the last person to be ready in the morning and is annoyed with his effort throughout the day. But I don't know how to say that nicely, and lack the desire to spare his pain.

At the end of the day I heard L, mother of LUB bitch about my boss and I. Nothing actually said about us, but I know that LUB had gone straight to his mother to tell her the story asap. And of course, L takes her sons side and babies him. I left the office after hearing her. I'm doing my job and don't feel like I should need to hear the bashing that probably continued and may still be going on.

To L, I say: Stop encouraging his malingering. He's a big boy now and needs to learn to take a job seriously. Be strick with him rather then put the blame on his bosses for his laziness. It doesn't set a good example with how to look at future bosses.

I don't mean to underestimate his pain, but he's been the only one of the four to complain about pain. I think that says something. Alas only 8 days left.

Why i hate semi-trucks

2006-08-09T19:47:00.000-04:00

I stood by the 401 looking into the ditch at my car. Only two months ago I started driving it and since then I’ve had a few too many close calls. But this time there was nothing that I could have done or should have done differently. Maybe I could have slowed down, or paid more attention. But I wasn’t at fault.

Thinking about the what if’s now is all that can be done. What if it did actually roll like I felt it would? What if I was going faster and the impact of the ditch did damage? What if I couldn’t drive it anymore and I still have 18 months of payments? What if I was hurt or worse, taken? But nothing, I’m fine, and so is the car.

I’ve realized that God is truly in control. What I grew up learning I thought was just motivational talk, and that I have some say in what happens in life. I prayed hard for good grades and he didn’t really seem to come through. He’s granted what I’ve needed though and that’s all I really ever wanted. But then you come close to the end and you know that it wasn’t your time, and you have no control of when your time is or how you’re going to go. I wasn’t close to it, but I’ve realized I could have been.

What happened, written the night of my incident, after we’d arrived at my sister’s place.
“It was misty outside and the 401 was wet. I was driving in the middle lane when out of the blue the semi truck to the right pulled into my lane. I moved to the left, naturally, to see a car in my blind spot blocking my accident free escape from the jackass who was now in front of me. I swerved to my right and began to fishtail. I didn’t know what to do and it all happened so fast. Before I knew it I was in the ditch sliding along the grass counting the seconds till the car flipped. I said to myself that this was going to hurt. The car lifted on its two wheels and I told myself that this isn’t going to be fun. I told myself to relax and just breathe. And then, the car stopped perpendicular to the expressway on all four wheels. I wanted to put in reverse, but that wasn’t possible. My sister got out of the car and called 911. I got out and thought, holy fuck my car is in the ditch and I’m going to need a tow.”

A guy stopped to see if I was okay, later the ambulance and fire truck came but I had no need for them and they left. The police officer came eventually and the tow pulled me out and changed my tire. After all was said and done I handed my sister the keys to the car and we were off.

To make a long story short, I’m fine, suffered some whiplash for a few days but that’s it. My car is fine. There is a bit of cosmetic damage and it needed a new back tire, but it runs almost as well as it did before.

Last Comic Standing is almost on, so ya, that’s it, I just wanted to tell you all about my adventures. I’m fine and doing well. Thanks for reading.

LUB - Day 20

2006-07-31T21:13:00.000-04:00

It was classic, and I don’t mean to underestimate his pain, but I should have expected his drama.

Yes, another story about Lazy Urban Boy. Everyone who’s listened to my stories about LUB knows that he’s the first one to complain of any injuries. Pulling Swallow-wort wasn’t fun and he sprained his foot a few days before so he couldn’t walk. Another day painting wasn’t his favourite task and his back hurt. And then he was bored with the weedwacker and so he began to complain about the strain to his arms. Etcetera, Etcetera, Etcetera.

So today I shouldn’t have been surprised when he came walking up to me with his hand bandaged like a cast. I had skipped break to keep nailing and let the crew know to just get back at it in 15 minutes. I felt bad and thought what if something bad happens to them and I don’t know cause I choose to work.

“What happened Pumpkin?” I asked. Apparently over the weekend he was fishing with a buddy and he got the fishing line around his fingers. It cut his skin apparently and the hammering had reopened his wounds.

Ah pour baby, I thought with a very sarcastic frame of mind. If your two fingers are bleeding, wrap the fingers not the hand. I continued to think. But whatever, if I don’t baby him then he’s going to tell his mommy again and then it’ll come back to me again. I’ve given up previous thoughts that I will work them hard. They know they can push my buttons and have shown that their means of pushing buttons shows no boundaries. I have almost ceased to care. It’s evaluation time soon too, and knowing you’re liked never hurt anyone.

Figures though eh? I mean, he could really be in pain and unable to hammer, but still, another injury for LUB, none for anyone else.

2006-07-31T21:12:00.000-04:00

I burned every bridge
I wanted it that way,
I thought.

I thought that if you hated me,
And I knew you did
I could move on
And get the closure I needed

Wrong.
I’m still holding on

my oppses

2006-07-25T22:18:00.000-04:00

Work went well today. It rained on us and thundered and lightened but I love that sort of stuff so it was cool. My kids weren't on my nerve today and I feel I might have them under control now, but, no, of course I don't. Tomorrow they will be pushing my last button again.

Oops One: "the boys said you hit the pole at the shop." Brent says to me. Brent is kinda in charge of me for the next few days. My boss is on holidays and my crew and I were sent to work with Jim, Brent's boss, but Jim is also on holidays. (Yes, I do feel like a burden on people, thanks for asking). I smirk, I admit it and I begin to wonder which boys. My boys, the one who was with me, or the boys that also work under Jim, with Brent. Who's talking to whom I wonder. Was I punished I wondered?

I began joking about the incident saying: "yup, one way to bruise an ego" and "I checked though and the pole is still standing." I also noted that I tried to tell my boss but he was too busy to bother with me. Smiles were exchanged and I think all may be good. I hope it's not too big of a deal though.

Oops Two: As a leader my major role is the safety of my little shitheads. Today we were working in the woods, clearing yet another fucking path. C and B were ahead of me clearing a path a few yards away, LUB was weed wacking and K and I took our time working between the three boys. I heard my name, I jumped to the thought that it's LUB and his power tools (that he is legally not allowed to work with), I run to him to find him staring at my paniced look very blankly. "Did you call my name?" I said. "No"

Shit, I attended the wrong person. I begin to run back through the bush. The freshly wet, the freshly trampled and the rocky path with my steal toe boots. I fell. It hurt and i sucked back the tear that really wanted to fall. 'Idiot' I thought to myself. I couldn't show my weakness though and I began to walk off the pain. The other boys aren't working with power tools and they won't be in any great pain to need to rush. (they aren't worth this pain I remind myself) When I arrived at their path, they too looked blankly at me. "Did you call my name?"

"Yes, Martha, Can we get aids from mosquitoes?"

What?? I rushed and hurt myself for that?? "No, I explain. Mosquitoes generally only suck one persons blood and then they die" My explaination went on for longer even though it might not even be true. I don't remember what else i said, I will remember the question for a while and may have a bruise and have lost the use of my wrists for a few days. Oops I'm an idiot thinking that I needed to rush.

The Hater

2006-07-24T21:12:00.000-04:00

If you know me at all you will know that I have a very strong dislike for Matthew McConaughey. Very strong and so much though that I'm annoyed that I am wasting blog 101 on him. However, I have been introduced to someone who hates him just as much as I do. The Hater. This article isn't fabulous, but any burn to the very unattractive and overly idolized Matthew McConaughey deserve some attention.

PS. Her article about the Miss Universe Pageant is also worth a read.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one in the world who dislikes MM. I can sleep now with hope that enough dislikers may put Mateo out of a movie and media magnet career.

Happy 100

2006-07-20T17:58:00.000-04:00

Welcome to blog 100.

I would like to dedicate this blog, though the contents are pms induced, to Mark. He brought me back into blogging and it’s days like this when I need to the most. It’s coming home to empty house after a bad day at work and you just want to cry. Happy Belated Birthday Mark and I hope all is well with you.

~

On with the blog.

My boss was the cherry on top today. After a long frustrating day I guess all I wanted to hear was “hi, how was your day? How were the kids? How was staining all day?” I didn’t need to tell him that I cracked the front of the bumper on the car, or that now that we cleaned the car it’s evident that I skimmed the side of another company car my first day driving it. I didn’t need to tell him that I had a rough day or that ‘Little Urban Boy’ is a pain in the ass or that the guy who was supposed to be in charge of me while my boss is on vacation is also going on vacation. None of that mattered then and doesn’t now. I’m not his wife and I don’t need to demand his attention, but when I couldn’t have it, that’s what I seemed to want the most.

So about the car, ya, um, oops. I was driving my one kid to the field that he was ploughing and I needed to turn around. I threw it in reverse backed up to the amount I thought I needed and then shifted to drive. Then bam, I hit the fence post. With embarrassment I threw it in reverse again and gave myself what I thought was enough room. It wasn’t and bam again. I could have cried. My vocab was enough to indicate my embarrassment and frustration with myself. B didn’t mention it, and I know that my other kids would have. Thankfully they weren’t with me. B and I exchanged a smile, with a mutual, ‘ya I know I’m an idiot.’ (And the other thing, well who hasn’t accidentally gotten too close to another car while parking?)

The rest of the day and the mood swings I’m blaming on my pms. Most women don’t admit to PMS running their days. And in the same way, if someone said, whoa are you PMS-ing? I’d say “fuck off.” But I can admit to it, and I knew that when I raised my voice to LUB that it wasn’t me, and I knew that when C got on my last nerve, it wasn’t really me either. I’m learning to shake their immaturities off, they are 17 and have no motivation and no reason, no logic and no respect for anyone but themselves. It’s their age I blame and not them. But do I really feel they deserve the Museum of Nature, NO. I don’t, but I’m sick of working and so I’m taking them. Yeah all should be better tomorrow.

Well the beer has begun to blur my vision (not that I’m drunk, merely just temporarily visually impaired) and so I will end my rant and my one hundredth blog. Thanks again for reading.

Sick

2006-07-18T19:49:00.000-04:00

"Sick"

Yes I said it.

the words "ohhh sick" left my month.

I'm heavily influenced by my seventeen year old Rangers. Back in my day, the word sick meant to feel ill, to vomit, or to see something disgusting. Synonym of gross. Example : seeing that roadkill made me feel sick.

I said "Ooh sick" regarding the orange brand new Corvette parked in my parking lot after working in the feild. It was nice, very sweet, I loved the colour and it's probably a very nice ride. But back to my point. The word sick, to a bunch of 17 year olds, means sweet, fancy, i'd like to ride that, that cranks my tractor. Totally different then what it did.

When i first heard it said, I was confused. 'No, the porshe is not a gross car," I thought to myself, everyone knows that. After I few more "that's so sick," or "Sick!!" i consulted my other co-worker who is 19, she confirmed it. Sick is the new Cool, the new Groovey, the new Hot.

And yes, I'm now hip with the young'n (they just haven't realized it yet).

Mind Occupations

2006-07-15T22:40:00.000-04:00

Because I normally sit home alone on a saturday night i thought that there is nothing better to do then blog. It's pathedic, I live in the nations capital and I spend my weekends here in my room doing nothing. I've picked up Jane Eyre again, but even that takes a back burner to my daydreaming and self inflicted bordom.

Mind Occupying Item 1: My Ex came over the other day. I was lonely and invited him over not thinking that he'd actually take the 5 hour drive here. We're good friends and up to last weekend i felt strong. I knew he wanted me back and I had the power to say no to any reuniting.

Last weekend however, we were sitting on my bed just enjoying each others company when he says, much like last time, "there's something I need to talk to you about." I tensed up, this guy just drove 5 hours at the spur of a moment to see me, if he's asking me out again, there is some force not to reject him. But that's what I had to do. I sat there though, waiting for his speech.

"I've accepted a oversees teaching job in UAE." Apparently after our last conversation and me stopping any notion of us getting back together he accepted the offer he was given. I'm happy for him. It's a great opportunity and he's been miserable for a while. But after a few days of thinking about it, I'm sadden with the thought of him leaving. He's been such a good friend to me lately and I'd hate to think of him being more then a phone call away.

I won't be as bothered by him leaving in a few weeks but it doesn't seem real and the thought of my backbone leaving makes me weak on so many levels. I need him but i guess he needs this.

Mind Occupying Item 2: My sister bought a car. She bought a Honda civic. At first I was jealous, I wanted a Honda Civic and now three of my sisters have one. But then she said that it was a 1984 model. why would she get something old?

She's a bad driver. She doesn't care if she takes up two parking lots, he turns are very slow and wide and her lane changes are incredibly scary. And she says "I'm going home for the long weekend, did you want to come with me?" I do want to go home for the long weekend, but i don't want to suffer through the 8 hour drive with her driving. Somehow there has to be a way to get her to let me drive my car. But she won't, she's someone who needs the power.

Mind Occupying Item 3: I'm not happy with my job. It's not fulfilling anymore and I'm fusterated at not being the great leader I was hoping I'd be. I haven't been confronted by my new mistakes yet, but I also haven't seen my Supervisor since the last time. So before i start thinking that all is well again, I might want to have a meeting with him first.

~

Hopefully my next job is closer to home, I miss my support base and family.
Maybe my next blog will be better reading. This one just seems to be an update to what's going on in my head, and that's not really as entertaining.

The Highs and Lows

2006-07-11T23:52:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was faboulous. The crew’s progressed exceeded my expectations. In conversations prior to yesterday, I would state that the crew lacked motivation and that they are only 17 and this is most likely their first job and they don’t know what is expected of them. On Monday I was pleased beyond belief and I expected the earlier problems to be gone. Let me just stress how pleased with them I was before I move on, I was pleased. Clearly trail isn’t easy and they seemed to be actually motivated to do it.

But today the events changed, tables turned and tears were shed. My ego was bruised and my heart saddened. It started bright and early with a talk with the boss. The events of the coming month were noted followed by the lines “don’t take this personally, it’s most likely retaliation but…”

Apparently the mother of Lazy Urban Boy got annoyed that both my boss and I complained about her son’s progress, or more so lack of progress. His foot hurt Friday and even before the workday started I was tired of hearing about his pain. I was supportive but when I saw him walking fine, his sore foot excuse took little note in my books. It also annoyed the hell out of my boss and because LUB’s mom works with him he let her know.

I don’t know what she has to retaliate for. “Hello L, he’s your son, it’s not my F-ing fault he’s lazy!!” So in retaliation, she asked my four kids if I was a bad/ fast driver. They all said yes, truth or forced, I’m not sure. He said be careful and with the car it’s easy to drive faster but be careful. He said not to take it personally and that she might just be trying to find fault. Stab one, I sucked it up but it crossed my mind all day. Maybe I am a bad driver, but am I bad enough that all four found it necessary to complain about it?

Stab two came later that day. We finished at the site earlier and arrived at the office with an hour left on the clock. I walked to the office to greet my boss and get further direction. Explained, but he follows me out the door and I knew something was up. “There more,” he says and he proceeds re-explaining the guidelines that I need to enforce. “Make sure they get their breaks on time.” And my mind is gone, my jaw locks from frustration, and I knew at that moment my shades were doing more then just protecting my eyes from the sun. They were also hiding my tear soaked eyes from my boss’s. Those kids take more breaks during the day then they do actual work. And I turn a blind eye to it, 15 minutes turns into 25 and I show no concern. They push all my buttons and I fall for them and then they go home and tell mommy and daddy that they didn’t get their full break.

“That’s bull shit,” I tell my boss. Really? They don’t think they get enough breaks? “That’s bull shit,” I say again cutting my boss off with his justification and his ‘just be careful with breaks speech.’ Seriously, that is their complaints. “That’s it,” I announce, “they are getting strick breaks, no more pushing the limits.” They messed with me at the wrong time of the month.

And so I’m lost. I feel betrayed, cheated, used and incompetent. Even though it seems that I was making friends with the ladies in the office, that’s gone now. I don’t know who said what, or who’s on who’s side. But what is clear, is that I’m the wrong one. And that what I do, there will always be a complaint. I can take the fact that I’m a bad driver, but it’s the lies that piss me off.
That’s it. I really need to put this out of my mind. 15 minutes to midnight and something’s gotta give. Thanks for reading my rant.

Loneliness

2006-07-07T18:07:00.000-04:00

Most mornings, although I’ve only been through a few, are the same. I arrive at the office at 8am to see only Karen’s Golf in the lot. She’s there, therefore the door is unlocked and I can go in. We have a 5 minute conversation if my boss isn’t in yet. One day it was about driving and dumb drivers, but yesterday it was different.

“I’m lonely here,” I explained in conversation about my upcoming birthday. Thursday may feel very lonely if I don’t plan for a dinner that night rather then save the partying for the next day. “I’m lonely too,” she said. And my heart broke for her.

I’m lonely here because I’ve left so much behind. I miss my sisters, I miss my high school friends, I’m missing out on the wedding preps, and I miss the sense of being home. I’m here short-term for a job then I’m gone again to an unknown place for an unknown length of time. It brings a sense of adventure, but that soon wears and I’m left here to dwell on the stress of money and friends.

But she’s lonely because her husband past away nine years ago and has only now began to date again. And I’m never going to get that, knock on wood, I’ll never know that feeling. I miss Mike a great deal, but lets rehash; I wasn’t happy as his gf and I broke it off, I’ve been through phases of dislike for him and I know that he wasn’t the one, and he’s still alive. She loved him and now he’s just gone, like that and I’m sorry that I feel lonely. I have no right to.

Anyways birthday countdown: 7 days.

The Long Ride

2006-07-06T17:20:00.000-04:00

I guess the frontal lobe of their brain is still developing. That’s what I’ve been told. They lack reason and logic. And I think back to when I was them. I was them, but now, seven years later I have reason and logic and I forget that they don’t. And my frustrations begin.

Two days ago, on their first day, I brought them to the head office and sat in with them while they signed their life away amongst a million papers. You know the first day stuff. I was there with them when the lady explained that they needed to get their void checks/banking information in to me before Thursday, they also needed their birth certificates and SIN numbers. I was there and I took the blame for not telling them ahead of time to bring it with us on our first day. I reminded them each night to get those in to me. It’s their first check, not mine, they should remember what they needed. However, all hell almost broke loose when the day started out with a phone call from the lady at head office asking for the info. I hadn’t faxed it yet and I felt bad for holding onto the information but wanted to send it all in a package, makes sense right. I reminded them but still two of my four showed up this morning without the information. We were out all day and I thought I was going to have to deal with tears. I didn’t want to deal with it and I wanted to tell them all off. “It’s not my check on the line, it’s yours so why can’t you remember what I’ve reminded you twice in two days for!” And then I remembered that they don’t think with reason yet.

*sigh*

It’s my third day with the kids and I haven’t yet put my foot down. I’m not a threat to them, and my authority has no bearing on their behaviour. I want them to say how high, when I say jump. Maybe tomorrow or the next day. I’m not holding my breath though, I think this may be the long ride.

Being bigger then the bear

2006-07-03T14:02:00.000-04:00

I’m not writing as much as I planned on it after I got the job. I’m actually not doing much of anything since I’ve started my job. Of the twelve days I’ve been employed, two days involved outings lasting till 8:00 and 10:00 respectively, 4 days were spent in Sault Ste Marie, and the other 6 were probably spent settling in my place and playing the Sims. I have wanted to write more and work on more letters but it’s either because this chair in my room is uncomfortable or because I spent so much time during my unemployment writing and doing computer stuff.

I have stuff to write about though:

I want to congratulate Kristy and Chad on their wedding this past weekend. It was such a great time and hearing all the stories and compliments of Chad made me very happy that Kristy snagged him up. The ceremony was the shortest I’ve ever been too and good company and good food make for an excellent time. Congrats again, you two both got very lucky with your life partner.

Also while in the Soo, I had to sit through a number of training sessions. One being bear awareness training. This paranoids me because as a small town southern Ontario girl, the chances of coming across a bear are more real in Ottawa then they are in Aylmer. I’m sure the training was more geared towards the groups of people working further north, but it doesn’t hurt to pay attention. Anyways I walked out of there with the knowledge that I have to be bigger then the bear. And if you think about that phrase long enough, as I seem to have, it can apply to anything in life. Be bigger then your life issues, be the bigger person and walk away from whatever, etc, etc. That thought has just kind of stuck with me now and in my times of happiness coming home from a job that I really like I often think about how I have become bigger then my own bear.

Stay tuned for my next dorky phrase that I find myself blogging about.

Strawberries

2006-06-26T18:19:00.000-04:00

thoughts of my childhood in the country rush back to me. Never had i expressed a desire to live in town, however, my grown up lifestyle has forced me into suburbia and I settle.

But there as i was driving home from work I saw the greatest sign: "Pick your own, 8-8." I rushed home, invited my roommate and ran to change my outfit. then we were off. I drive through the Ottawa green belt every day for work, but standing in rows of green tickled my deepest fancy. We bought our 2 litre baskets and we were off.

I just ate a piece of heaven i explained as I savoured a fresh as can be strawberry. It's surreal thinking that as i sit in my Ottawa townhouse that i actually just went out and picked strawberries today.

I can't wait till blueberries start. I'm so glad i know the joys of picking fruit.

Pictures

2006-06-24T18:20:00.000-04:00

What do you do with pictures of your ex? It’s not like you look at your pictures everyday. I mean, you put the framed ones and the gifts he gave you in a box because the constant reminder hurts. But pictures are pictures; they are the things you don’t often get rid of.

I was just looking through my photos searching for pictures to display on my wall and I came across some of him. My favourite picture of us appeared first. I stared at it for a while and the memory of that morning came to me. I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and hair when he walked in and asked me if he looked okay. Normally he was too vain (as the ladder pictures imply) but he looked good, really good and shockingly I admitted it.

But the next few pictures are just of him and I don’t need them anymore. Do I mail them to him, for some reason people like giving other people pictures of themselves so if I’m about to throw them out, would it be wrong to mail them to him? I’d kinda be offended if he mailed me pictures of me. Like “oh, you don’t want pictures of me anymore? I’m not good enough for your picture collection?” But he asked me to take the photos of him, he’s posing in 6 of 7 photos of him and if I’d put that much pride in a picture I’d want it.

I understand more now why I didn’t like seeing pictures of his ex’s. I didn’t look at these with desire and regret for ending it, but memories of once was fluttered through my mind and thoughts of him came back with a vengeance. The picture is of us at dinner the first time he met my friends. We had wings.

I don't want his memory gone, it's just weird to see the pictures.

From the Sue

2006-06-21T18:43:00.000-04:00

I'm writing from Sue Saint Marie. i know I spelled the whole town name wrong but I fail to see the actual spelling anywhere in the library i'm sitting in and to avoid conversation and the facade of being dumb, i'll refrain. I'm in the Sue for a leadership training for my new job. It's a week long vacation with leaders from all across Ontario. I have a hour and a half before the library closes so i thought i'd blog out of bordem/excitement/the addiction and the need i feel i have to blog.

I'm shy and i wouldn't be the first to agree to go on trips like this but i didn't think i had the option. but i'm here and having a good time. The drive took about 8 hours plus the 2 that i took to get to the location where i was meeting up with two other leaders to carpool. It seems like a long drive to get to a place like this for something as simple as H&S meetings and the other training that is needed. I'm having a good time though, the other leaders here seem great and it's nice to share ideas and sort out what's going to have to happen over the summer.

I of course moved to Ottawa for this position but like i said there are positions all over ON. The leader from the Aylmer crew is here and is actually a friend from highschool. I had wondered about him a little while ago. I even blogged about my thoughts of meeting up with him 10 years after liking him. I had such a crush on him and he ended up actually dating a friend of mine, but friends go before a guy though right and i let him out of my life. But you always wonder what people from highschool are up to. Well M's here and we've actually hung out and kept each other company here and there. He's engaged now and is actually in Geography at Guelph U. He has been dating his woman now for 6 years and just proposed two weeks ago. They will be waiting until he's graduated though (in about 2 years) before they actually get married. I'm kinda happy for him, but a little jealous of her because he is quite hot now and seems very down to earth.

Exciting point two of this week. On monday I drove two hours to meet with two other leaders to carpool to the Sue. The boss that one of the leaders has is actually the leader that i had when i was a Ranger 8 years ago. I was sentimental and was a bit dissappointed when he didn't seem sentimental in return. However, it wasn't as though he wasn't sentimental, but probably was never as attached to me as i was to him. He was my leader after all and it goes without saying that the kids will always be the ones who get attached to their authorities. Well you know what i mean. So it's not like he doesn't care about my achievements, it's more so that it's not as big of a deal to see me as it is for me to see him. Apparently he did explain to his crew leader that i was his Ranger and he did tell my boss that as well, but as for the hug and the girly catch up sessions, it wasn't what i had hoped for. (Note to self: start making sense in your blog and quite babling on and on about the insignificant things in life.)

A downfall to my week though is that I share a bathroom with the room next door and today (the third day) I was locked out for the second time. The thing is that when the other person is in there, they can lock your door from the bathroom so that you can't walk in on them. It's like having two doors in the bathroom, of course you locked them both. But My bathroom roomie keeps forgetting to unlock my door and leaving me in a pickle about how to use the bathroom. The first time was at night when she was no where to be found. I needed to go pee and brush my teeth but i had no way of getting in ( i was cranky) and the second time happened today when the girl was sleeping and i didn't want to wake her. I ended up going to my friends bathroom on the other side of me, but a different bathroom is never as good as your own.

I'm having a great week though and have many more stories to share. I will save them though for a different time. Soon the gathering of leaders will start and the partying will begin. (oh who am i kidding? I won't be doing much partying.)

I hope everyone is well. I'll write again soon

~m~

What happened to the turkeys

2006-06-18T07:55:00.000-04:00

My story begins last Thursday. My sister went to close the chicken coop and came back to report her frustrations with the one turkey still not in the coop for the night. It happens sometimes, the one turkey will be back but the other is still wondering the forest until you call her back. I went out with P that night and when I came back T had told me that the turkey hadn’t come back at all.

The next day there was a note on the counter asking if I could go look for the turkey. And I thought ‘was I not on the same page? I’m not expecting to find her alive after night with the coyotes.’

I walked through the woods to places I knew where the turkey liked to go. I was getting lost and hearing weird noises and wanted to get back to the house. It’s just what happens in the wild but I couldn’t handle walking into the carcass of one of my buddies or one of its successors. I found nothing.

The following few days brought talk of the butchering and which neighbours also lost chickens to foxes and coyotes. Now that the one turkey is gone it only seemed fair to butcher the other: to ease her heartbreak and to recover some meat that they had hoped to get when buying the five turkeys so long ago.

The butchering happened Sunday. The day before I left. It seemed rather appropriate to eliminate my major chore. I knows I’m sensitive and noted that I didn’t need to help. I wanted to go down eventually and get a closure on the turkeys and chicken but while I was preparing lunch T came into the kitchen to wash the meat. They were meat, that’s all that’s left of my buddies; their meat and their memories.

One time I was walking towards the coop, the two turkeys were across the lawn. As I walked to the coop the turkeys saw me and ran happily over to me. And then sometimes when I was outside near the coop, the one would often come and stand by me.

Side note: Apparently on butchering day the remaining turkey was also killed by whatever killed the other but my brother in law caught the action in time and was able to retrieve 80% of the meat.

it's just good house keeping... learn it

2006-06-16T06:54:00.000-04:00

I’m not the person who should preach about how to keep their house clean. But with 7 months of not living in a dirty student house I’ve grown accustomed to dishes done and the counters clean. It was me who cleaned, but it was my job, it was to deserve living there. But I shouldn’t have to be the one to clean up here.

When I moved here I had just finished a 5.5 hour drive and I was willing to take the first place that was decent. My room is small but I’ll be working and not planning on spending much time in here. I’m a subleaser, but yet I am disgusted how this place looks. I didn’t notice how dirty it was/is until I unpacked my stuff and considered myself settled in. But I’ve done all the dishes twice now and wiped the counter that looked like it hadn’t been wiped since they moved in.

This is how you people live? A is a complete princess. She talks to who she wants to when she wants to and sleeps all day. When I moved in my other roommate explained how A is in the bathroom for a really long time every day. L, the other roommie, even explained that she’s taken her stuff from the upstairs bathroom into the gross mainfloor bathroom because she never has time to get ready in the upstairs bathroom. And that’s fine with you???? I don’t get how someone so high maintance doesn’t care about her environment and rather just the fact that she’s wearing all the possible make up and that her clothes are cleaned five times a day.

You people stress me out. How can you not own a broom when you live sans vos parents. What did they teach you? How to hog the bathroom for two hours a day and toast bread and spread peanut butter on it?

I’m sorry, maybe she didn’t have parents and was never told how to do cleaning, like my mom. She used to say “Well, Martha, at least you have a mom who does half the chores for you. My mom died so young and I was always cleaning up after your three uncles.” At which point you feel really bad about ever wanting to play with the neighbour girls and having a social life. How do you explain that to your friends ‘my mom had to do all the chores when she was my age cause her mom died so she wanted to give me the guilt trip to compensate for her sadness.’

Enough about my mom and my upbringing. I’m not going to be your mom, so clean up yourself (although I will clean up after you because I dislike your mess).

I got a full two hours of sleep last night and am wide awake now. I must have too much on my mind or had too much of that café latte last night. But it’s Friday and work will soon begin and soon end.

Another first day

2006-06-15T21:11:00.000-04:00

Questions of inadequacy and competence overcome me as I talk with my boss and meet the people in the office. I’m supposed to be the Team Leader but yet I still continue to hind behind my shyness. I know nothing about anything and I fear the hatred that the Rangers may possibly feel towards me. And I know that’s worst case scenario, no one that I know of really hates me, per se.

But work was great, the people I’m working with seem nice and it seems like I’ll get along with everyone. My boss and I had a few good talks and we are both easy to talk to so that seems great and reassuring. He stressed though that he’s a bit anal about productivity and about the papers being stapled very neatly together (seriously, that’s one of his pet peeves.) I know I’ll annoy him with some things, he seems like he may be easily annoyable. It’s not that I’m a bad worker, but I feel I’m the type of person who needs more guidance and direction then I should in my position. I’m the leader remember, I’m supposed to lead.

I also have concerns about my driving ability. Although after buying a car and driving on the 401/403/QEW and driving up to Ottawa I feel I’m not a bad driver and every start of the car is better then the one before. But, as my boss and I are about to leave for a meeting at another office he points towards the car I will be responsible for driving the kids around in. Originally I was going to be driving around a four-door dodge pick up truck. I’m fine with trucks, I learned how to drive on a truck and I was hoping my need for a truck would be compensated with the company vehicle and I could mentally justify buying a car. I love my car though, but I wasn’t prepared for the vehicle I am assigned to. I get a larger vehicle because driving my four rangers around in a truck may be too cramped and so I get to drive around a three year old no longer used cop car.

Lets talk about that. A cop car. A boat just like my moms Lumina that I never succeeded driving. And do you know how fast those things can go? Very, I’m assuming, so if I’m not careful (knowing how heavy my foot is normally) I’m going to be in big trouble. And it’s a boat; a big car that I’m not going to be able to park, back up, or change lanes successfully. The car would be cool, I mean, it’s gotta be comfortable, those police seem to sit in there car a lot so why wouldn’t Crown Royal make that line with nice seats. But in regards to the other benefits, the speed counter thingy, the cage, the criminal locks, they are all gone. I was looking forward to using those.

I know what you’re thinking though. It was my first day and I need to relax and it will all be fine, but I’m a notorious for bracing for the worst-case scenario. It’s all better if you expect the worst, the worst never happens. I’m excited for this job, it sounds great. May more stories to come and many reports that I will be writing will be posted.

Yeah for working.

The first full day

2006-06-13T20:12:00.000-04:00

So I didn’t sleep well. That’s not really news, but now I’m really tired and have a bad headache. It’s 7:40 pm and I’m ending my day with a plate of sidekicks spaghetti and tomatoes. (Not as good as the meal could have been).

My first full day of Ottawa has been good. I started it with some tv and then my roommate and I went into the downtown core of Ottawa. I’m in the outskirts and about a half an hour bus ride from there. My plan was to go downtown or go to Manotick, the town I’ll be working with, but my roommate made up her mind to go downtown. After we get to downtown I realize that she doesn’t even have any plans for downtown and just felt like an adventure or something. But it was good this way, she has plans for tomorrow and I’m free to do whatever I want and stay in Manotick for any length of time.

Ottawa is great, I’m sure you’ve been here and if not, now is a good time to come. The beaver tails are great (a desert thing that they love to make and eat here) and the buildings are fabulous. Going to the downtown core only seemed appropriate for my first full day here but I’m ready to start work now.

So today is a month till my birthday and I sit here alone in my room imagining big things for that day or the following weekend. I miss you already and wish you were here, pathetic I know.
I’ll keep you updated, still have more stories to tell but they are for another day.

last blog from Hamilton

2006-06-11T16:46:00.000-04:00

This is my last blog from Hamilton. I thought I’d blog one last time before I pack my computer into my very full car. I’m off to Ottawa tomorrow morning for a three month job for the Ministry of Natural Resources. I’m excited about ending my 9 month unemployment phase. Although I don’t want to do this anymore, I don’t want a contract job I want a job to last for a year or so.

Alas, I’m off to Ottawa tomorrow morning. I’m no longer avoiding you or making excuses not to be with you, I’m just no longer here. And when I’m back, I won’t see you and I’ll no longer think about you. I’m not going to let my mind be bothered by you and I need this. I need to go away and experience freedom, adventure and maturity. I’m excited to start anew. It’s been exciting so far.

I’ll blog again, and because I still have a few days before I actually start, I’ll probably be blogging again shortly. The past few days have been very bloggable but my addiction to the Sims and my need to pack have gotten the better of my time. I’ll begin to blog about my adventures working and in Ottawa for all those interested in what I do and interested in my safety.

Happy reading… brb.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

2006-06-09T10:57:00.000-04:00

The Good: Phase two of my quilting process is now complete. It took much longer then expected. I thought if I sew it together one way it’d take 6 weeks max. However, I’ve been in phase two of my three phase quilt since March 24 and phase two has seen a lot of upsets, a lot of happy smiles from the progress and has been put on the shelf for a few months as I thought that the only person in the world who could fix my problem was my mom. Alas, I was the one who fixed it and am excited about phase three. But this is all boring for you so I’ll move on and just clarify that my point was that I am done the top layer of my quilt. Applause please.

The Bad: I realize that I bought way more forest green then I needed. I still need to buy more blue but I’m not ever trusting the book about how much fabric to buy again. I have an excess of green, blue and yellow that I’ll probably never need. I have so much green that I will be using it in my next quilt. Yes I said that right, I’m planning my next quilt already due to the fact I have sooo much green. And the blue I can use a bit later with the finishing touches, but the yellow unfortunately not. So the bad is that I have too much fabric and I have to plan a new quilting project to use it up.

The Ugly: I’m not calling my quilt ugly at all. What is ugly is that I messed up the placement of two rows of patches so instead of the yellow squares pointing one way, they point one way for four rows but then they point the opposite way for the next two rows. And now I’ve sewed the three borders on and taking it apart now would be very critical to my quilt making ability, knowing that my quilt was done and I was stupid enough to have to take it apart after all that work. So I’m leaving it that way. It’s not bad but it looks unintentional and it’s very noticeable. But it’s my first quilt so I shouldn’t beat myself up about it’s flaws.

It’s done though, the sewing machine part is done and now when I can afford the baton I will begin the actual quilting part. The weight lifted is unbelievable.

dreaming

2006-06-07T21:04:00.000-04:00

Since I’ve purchased my car I’ve dreamt about driving and not in the good driving sense. In my dreams I’m constantly swerving and trying to avoid cars. As hard as I try I can’t get these dreams out of my head and I lay there getting sick of my own self inflicted motions. After a night at my parents place, trying to make conversation with my mom I explain these dreams to her.

“You’re scared of something,” she says.

“Umm,” I say knowing full well that I’ve always been scared of driving. I’ve always blamed my fears on the deaths of friends who’ve lost their lives behind the wheels. I’m from Aylmer and it seems more common there then anywhere else. So yes, I agree with you mom, I do fear and as all my readers know, I’m petrified of the possibilities and outcomes of driving.

Sunday while going to lunch with my brother, sister, mom and dad, my newly 17 year old brother started talking about his experiences driving and his far too idealistic ways that he’ll be able to drive. Then at a key moment, making everything in my life make sense, my dad says to this young driver. “You’re probably going to smash the car up when you start to drive.”

“Ouch” you say. “Harsh!” others exclaim. Yes and yes. You can tell me I have nothing to worry about and I just need to take some time to get used to the road. True, but as I take my time getting used to the road I have to ignore all the “you’ll just smash the car up…” and the “remember don’t go too fast” lines that I got as a new driver.

~~

Since my realizations that my dad’s psychological abuse still controls my life, I have almost mastered driving. I know longer hate to drive and actually enjoy the 401 and the 403 on the non-busy times of the day. Its all part of growing up I guess: The driving and the running away from daddy’s words of wisdom.

Aylmer

2006-06-06T22:08:00.000-04:00

Aylmer is kind of crappy town. I went to A dot this past weekend because I needed to pick up some mail and my boxes of stuff I’m taking up to Ottawa with me. My insurance documents came today and that was the most important thing I went home for.

Aylmer, though, is like any other small town. We have the typical key people and the typical banks and pharmacy stores. But when you blame your social life on your location you realise that since high school you’ve only kept in touch with a small group of people. And now you sit at you dining room table contemplating who to call and what to do. Renting a movie sounds like a good idea but you want out of the house rather then a reason to stay in for another 2 hours. And then you realize unless you have a ton of friends you’re bound to have a few boring nights and it’s these boring nights that you curse the town.

I declined from the Stag and Doe I was invited to. I should have gone though since I seem so eager to make friends and reunite with old high school buddies. However my apathy grows for anything to do with Aylmer. If you didn’t care about me in high school I’m not going to reach out and try to get you to like me now. I feel like there is more to this world then my kitchen table and cat but I don’t feel like discovering it now.

I think about calling old friends up when I’m home. I miss Natasha and think she’d be interesting to chat with but calling her mom for her number seems nerve racking because her mom was only living with some guy and who knows if they are still together. Although the odds are favourable that they are still together but of course I fear the worst while communicating with the guy. (He could yell at me and scar me from calling other people). And I also think about Shannon. I’ve driven past her place a few times recently and I’ve noticed a different name on the mailbox. They liked London so much better anyways I’m sure they moved back there. Although I looked for her dad’s name but the closest I got was her mom’s. And what does that all say?

And I wonder if anyone thinks of me. Like if anyone has googled my name. Nothing comes up, I’ve checked. But have I made an impact on anyone? Maybe to avoid these boring nights I should plan more before I come. However that involves planning and that’s never been my strong point.

Everyone has a hometown and I’m sure everyone has drifted from who they were and what their live involved way back then.

Big people buy cars

2006-06-01T09:04:00.000-04:00

“Big people buy cars,” Soleil says as I tell her about my decision that one day I will be a car owner. It’s scary, there are so many considerations when buying a car. But that was before the job offer when I was still able to dream about driving and not actually have to.

So ya, with the job offer came the car. I’ve talked about getting a car for a while now and have had several different cars in mind. But now that it’s all said and done I am the owner of a 1995 Nissan Sentra.

As a very inexperienced driver, every stroll is an adventure. I put in gas for the first time ever. I’ve been at a gas station before but it was full serve and the only thing I had to do is give them my card. Left turns are still scary too. Like when I was trying to get from the hwy to my road I had to wait for a while. But I sat there for a few minutes and every space that passed me I said, “oh crap, I could have gone” and every little “oh crap, I could’ve gone” makes me more nervous and disappointed with myself because there was a lady behind me. The last thing I want to do is make other people annoyed with my driving. I am getting better though.

Stay off the road though I’m still driving.

Girls and Boys

2006-05-29T22:33:00.000-04:00

I sat behind the driver, M, on the way to the beach yesterday. Her, B, MB and I drove to Port Stanley to see J who was working at the bar on the beach. On our 45 minute drive the three took turns complaining about their boys.

MB complained that N made a comment about her weight and even though he apologizes shortly after he still says it, it hurts. His apologies sound cute and I feel that MB should just learn to smile it off. But I understand the pain every hurtful word brings even if it’s taken back. B explains that rather then doing something romantic for their one year he is taking her to the racetracks, she’d rather do wine sampling in Niagara Falls or stay the night in a hotel but there isn’t any compromise and she hates it. M is in a rough spot, her man has accepted a job in TO and the long distance is straining. She’s tired of trying and he doesn’t seem to be putting in an effort and she’s wondering if the new guy is worth a try. That’s even before J explained her bf’s attitude.

And I’ve never been more zen-ed out. I’m wearing my beige American Eagle capries and my white Indian style shirt with a sexy white tank top underneath, the lightness is soothing. I sit there and listen and bring up creative lines to match what the ladies have quoted their men as saying. My solution to their attitude problem is to withhold sex, however, I’ve tried that method of getting what I want and I’m normally the one who caves. But if you can and are upset with something enough, then it seems like a great idea. I don’t have boy problems, I don’t have a boy and the issues I have are minimal and will sort themselves out when the time comes.

One point of new information: B has explained that it was good that I got as sick as I did that one weekend because I helped her realize she still had feelings for G. I don’t feel like it was worth it though. Maybe some good came of my nausa but if she wanted to know her true feelings for him, I or anyone who’s ever heard her talk about her current and her ex G could tell her how she feels.

~

And you, what made you want to venture back into the whelm of my thoughts. Do I amuse you? Have I sparked a desire for you to know and want to be updated on my life? What is it that you want to know and why do you care? My times sitting with friends and hearing their problems have created a sense of apathy and now you’ve masked it with thoughts of confusion. I’m assuming it’s you, it may not be though, but that’s what’s on my mind. Don’t email me about it and don’t comment, do whatever floats your boat.

name

2006-05-26T18:51:00.000-04:00

“When I saw your name, Martha, I pictured you as a 72 year old lady.”

I smirk. What else do I say to a girl who’s just insulted my name? I agree with her, my name is an old lady’s name, but to hear her comment on my name took me aback. I feel that a name is a personal thing. What if I do like my name, and then she said that, I’d have been really insulted. I’m sure by now you all know I dislike my name and for the reason that she noted but I only hate it more with comments like that.

But I smirked hiding the fact I was offended by her comment. I told her the story about the little girl named Martha on the Martha Stewart show and she agreed with me that the child will hate her name because of the association with Martha Stewart as soon as she is fully aware who she is compared to: old domestic women.

This girls name is Melissa. After discussing my name she noted that her name also is an older sounding name. I think I glared at her with a sarcastic/“don’t even go there” kind of look and she soon retracted her comment. There is nothing wrong with a name like Melissa. It’s common, but it’s a name that suits anyone at any age. I think that many people dislike their name. In the same way few people are content with their body, I think few people are content with their name. At least you’re not mistaken for a 72 year old.

As she was filling out the paper work she needed to know my middle name. She looked up at me from her computer screen almost horrified that since my mom gave me one old sounded name that she must also have given me a second old sounding name. When I said, “no, no, it’s Elaine” she signed with a sigh of relief.

Give me a break, I thought. I’ll be the one to make fun of and to be disappointed with my name.

Addictions

2006-05-23T14:24:00.000-04:00

I have an addictive personality. I’m addicted to the sims, I’m addicted to the hottub, I’m addicted to watching Ellen Degeneres and I’m addicted to listening to the radio at night as I’m falling asleep. And now I’m addicted to checking my statscounter to see who and how often people are reading my blog.

I’m not putting people to the test to see how often they are reading it, I merely thought it was a cool idea to see how many people read my blog. It’s interesting. But now I am plagued with curiosity. Am I amusing and people want to see what my latest thoughts are? Or are you bored at work and skimming your friends’ webpages until the boss gives you something better to do. I’m fine with it either way, I like you reading my blog and I hope that your enjoying the time you are wasting by sitting here reading my random thoughts.

My thoughts have been few lately. I have begun writing blogs about my disappointments with the show finale of Will and Grace or an episode of Deal or No Deal that made me laugh at the contestant, but I’ve never stuck with the thought long enough to feel I had a valid point and it was worth writing about it. Lately I’ve spent a great deal of time with the Sims. Yesterday I created a new family of Pierre and Paris Hilton. I’ve been working them hard to achieve the status of the other neighbours but I’m getting tired of the lack of options for the bedrooms and living rooms and running out of ideas for rooms.

Most of the people in my Sims neighbourhood have enough money to buy anything and everything and I can create large homes that fill the property but I don’t enjoy doubling up on furniture and I don’t like having rooms that they don’t go in. Often I have a spare bedroom that no one ever uses but it makes the house look real. Among other creative rooms I make Dance Rooms, Offices, TV rooms, and workout rooms.

So ya, until my job starts in 23 days I will most likely be addicted to the small things in life. After the 8 months of job searching I have gone through I am finally taking a break and not feeling bad about constantly applying for jobs or feeling guilty for not. I can’t stop though, this job is only for the summer and hopefully I’ll have something lined up for September.

Thanks for reading though.

bad person

2006-05-19T12:53:00.000-04:00

The hunt for the mouse has been a on going process for a few weeks now. It started when I saw him run from underneath my door to into my closet. I cleaned my closet out, finding a great deal of mouse droppings and chased him around my room with an umbrella, a tall circular box and a roll of wrapping paper. I wasn’t sure what I would do if I did find him. I held the box hoping I could save his life by trapping him in it, but realistically the box was very narrow and my golfing skills aren’t that great.

The next night I put a mousetrap in my closet. Nights past and the bait was changed from cheese to peanut butter to m&m’s with no luck. But the mouse must have been smart because I noticed that the trap was constantly pushed away from the doorway. Last night I decided that maybe luck would change if I took the sticky paper (that was bought for the mouse hunt) and put it in my closet. To make it more attractive I put an m&m in the middle and placed it where I knew he often ran.

I was awaken by tiny chirps. I rolled over and over trying to block the sound. If I could be for sure that they were just from the birds outside like I prayed I would have been able to drift back to sleep. But my gut was telling me something else. I braced myself for the site of the mouse. Not that they are gross and ugly like a rat but I hate to see anything in pain or lying there dying. I switched on my lamp and sure enough there was a tiny mouse stuck in the sticky paper. I turned away not wanting to have to deal with the mouse but knowing that I have to be a big girl and calling my sister or brother in law would be kinda babyish. I ran downstairs to get my winter gloves then pulled on a sweater and picked up the mouse and the sticky paper.

As I was taking the mouse (and the paper it was stuck on) outside my sister offered her assistance. I took it willingly, not wanting to deal with the mouse myself. I attempted to take it off the paper but he wouldn’t let me. T’s only solution was to kill it. I couldn’t I said and looked deep in thought to what I could do to save it’s life.

“Well go to bed then,” she said and I listened. If she was willing to deal with it or leave it for Tom in the morning then that was better then me having to see if suffer any longer.

I feel bad, maybe I should have tried harder to get it removed from the sticky paper. I don’t know it’s final destiny I’m kinda glad its out of my room but don’t like the thought of it having to dye.

Emotions taking over

2006-05-18T15:19:00.000-04:00

Today is one of those days where you want it to be over before it even began. Thoughts of sadness and anxiety plague you while your trying to be excited about you new job offer. And now you add fear to your long list of emotions.

Merely five minutes ago after I came home from my walk in the pouring rain I brought in the mail. I flipped through the envelopes not expecting mail but wishing for something to feel special. Loosely on top of the envelopes was a neighbourhood notice from the local Police station. It reads:
“There has been a recent rash of Break and Enters to residences in [my] area.”
“Thieves attend the front door of the residence and knocks; if no reply they attend the rear and smash windows and pry doors to gain entry”
“If you see a suspicious vehicle in the area please contact police immediately.”

And I sit here in my undies because the rain soaked my pants and out of laziness I haven’t picked out another pair. What if someone comes and knocks, I now know it’s the thieves. Are they going to be carrying weapons or are they going to leave graciously when they realize that someone is here. Will they give me time to put on pants before they break my windows? Are they kids or are they older men who don’t see a weak looking girl a threat? I imagine they will come during the day when chances are that not many people are around and that means I have to be alert. As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs I am scared crapless of what could be lurking around my property and this memo only enhances my fears.

But thoughts of my move and my upcoming car purchase and my new job override some of the fear. I only will be living here a few more weeks and won’t have to deal with the notion that someone may attempt to break in. I will be in Ottawa supervising a group of young people for a program run by the MNR. I am stoked, thrilled to the bone that I have received such an offer. I feel that they future possibilities now for me are more towards what I want to do with my career. I dislike the fact that it’s such a short-term contract but extensions are possible and the foot in the door is key.

And today marks two years since my cousin past away. I know I should let her memories rest and the memories we share don’t contain too much of my childhood, but I miss her all the same. I dislike thinking that she had so much going for her in her life and it was cut short. I often think it should have been me, not to be morbid and suicidal sounding but she had a fiancé, she was a year into a nursing degree and was one of the nicest people you’d meet on the streets. I remember she hated having her picture taken and I remember her gladly doing anything for her dad whether it be helping him with his janitorial job or assembling his cigarettes. We went through the boy crazy phase together and enjoyed a lot of the same music. I remember vividly the last time we were together even though it’s going on 10 years ago. And I’ll keep those memories I guess.

A or B?

2006-05-17T21:32:00.000-04:00

I lost the race. At Christmas my two older sisters and I had a bet going to see who would be employed first. K recently got her PhD in something relating to Hospital administration and J recently came here from England where she spent the past 10 years working in training and management in different restaurant chains and me, well you all may know, I just graduated from university with my bachelor of Environmental Studies.

I forget how long K was looking for, but shortly after Christmas she won the race. Her self-proclaimed job searching techniques paid off and her “I’m in between jobs” phase came to an end.

It was neck and neck with J and I. The one who hasn’t been in the country for 10 years or the one who has no skills and a crappy degree. I had been job searching since October and it only seemed fair to be rewarded first. But a few days ago she informed me that she had received two offers and would probably be taking the one with Swiss Chalet. Bonus I thought, free meals. But sucky too at the same time, I had been searching longer and wanted the offers first.

But at last I too have been given my two offers. I sit here, finally able to sit and focus thoughts into a blog after needing to go for a walk and settle down with a movie. Anyways, I sit pondering the best one to take.

A: Is a job close to home with a 37 week contract. But the pay sucks and it’s only a Job Creation Program with no benefits and no sign of renewal. Unless luck has it where the company hires me full time after the contract is up. The odds of that though are weak. This is a survery position which would lead me to the small world of land surveying or more time jumping from job to job, position to position.

B: Is a job not close to home with a 16 week contract. The pay is much better and is a job I’ve only wanted for the past 5 years. It’s a program put on by the government for youths to learn more about the environment and ways they can help preserve nature. I started my struggling career in this same program and I have been offered a position leading a group of teenagers around. The possibilities after the contract is done are endless in my mind. I’m not sure if I’ll be kept on and given more jobs but the experiences are greater and hopefully more leads will come about this job.

I think my bags are packed for Ottawa the 16 week job. We’ll see though, it all seems too surreal.

Dear Martha Stewart,

2006-05-15T18:23:00.000-04:00

I watched your show today (May 15, 2006) and I was encouraged to write you because if someone can get special attention just because they have the same name, I’m due. I’ve had this name all of my 23 years and she’s only had it for 7. Okay, maybe I’m not named after you, but still.

I think she may grow up hating her name for much of the same reasons I do, but even more having to be compared to you. I dislike how every famous Martha is a wife, (Martha Washington) or a domestic bombshell, like you and the Martha in the Bible who was more anxious to have her house clean then to see Jesus. It seems like if we are named Martha we should have expectations to be a great wife or a fabulous craft maker. That pour Martha on your show today has to grow up knowing she is named after the domestic Goddess and that her parents, by naming her that, have expectations that she may one day succeed like you have done. However, in today’s modern world, she may want to be as far from domestic as possible and may prefer eating the tv dinners rather then making a delicious bunt cake. Kudos to you though on the devilled eggs, they looked wonderful.

I will pretend to like me name though if it means getting to meet you. I think you’re too confident and arrogant and in that way I disrespect you. The only reason you are famous is because you have brought so much ease to today’s women in the kitchen and because you have gone to jail for trying to cheat the system. I think you have fabulous receipts and decorating ideas, but I don’t enjoy the personality you portray during your show. Rather bonding over the use of your products, like Sally Fields the other day, if I meet you I will bring up the fact that my nickname as a child was also Little Martha but not because that was my mothers name. How degrading is it though, being the ‘little’ one in the big Martha’s footprints?

Although with a letter to you it seems appropriate to update you on my latest domestic attempt. I’ve been making a quilt since November 2005 and am in the process of assembling the top layer. I’ve separated the 30 patches and have sewn them into 6 strips but am struggling to match the strips together. It is a process that has taken me a few weeks longer then I expected but I think I may have finally adjusted strip #6 to the target length. Tomorrow I will most likely be sewing the two remaining strips to the rest and then will begin to sew on the borders. It’s an exciting project for me, because I have no domestic talent and with the completion of this queen size quilt I will have proved the right to be named Martha.

From one Martha to another.

* I am most definitely not going to be sending this letter to her but it’s written now and it may as well be blogged.

the frog

2006-05-14T13:17:00.000-04:00

I was the last to see the frog alive.

The story begins with my walk down the road. I haven’t been for a walk in a while but it seemed like a nice activity to start my boring Sunday of laziness. I walked down the drumlin and walked along the road through the woods. It’s a marshy area and always echoes a flock of ducks that are never seen. Robins and bugs consume you. If your not swatting a million bugs from your face, you’re busy watching the Robins pluck worms and fly from tree to tree.

Sometimes I see flattened snakes on the road surrounded by their guts and when I walked the other way for a change, I saw a dead sparrow lying peacefully on the edge of the road. But today was different. In the distance I saw a lump of dark on the road, I thought of what it could possibly be: a mouse, a lump of dirt, a dead bird. But as I approached it, it was a fully alive frog sitting on the road. It seemed at ease with me passing it and I hesitated poking it with my foot. I’m supposed to be eco-friendly and poking at innocent frogs is very juvenile, but the thought crossed my mind. I passed it wondering why it had chosen to hang out on the road but continued my walk telling my self all about my adventures in England and how I got lost in Liverpool Street Station and how I met my Australian buddy Chris at Madame Tuesadues and how my next trip will be to Spain or something like that. But in the distance I heard a man cutting grass and to avoid interaction with people I decided that I had walked far enough and turned around.

My thoughts proceeded to wander and before I realized I was back to the frog again. This time it was surrounded by it’s blood and guts. I wasn’t aware of what vehicles had passed but obviously the road wasn’t a good place for it to hang out.

songs

2006-05-12T18:04:00.000-04:00

When I go home to Aylmer, I normally walk into an empty house. Mom and dad are at work and my brother and sister are still in school. Its normally a Friday afternoon and I normally come home from Hamilton with S. there are two things I usually settle in with. I’ll set my bags in what once was my room, enter my mom’s room and get my mail and then turn the radio on in the lliving room and open the bills, checks, and personal mail that have been sent to Aylmer since the last time I was home.

Lately, I’ve gone into my mom’s cd collection and found my two favourite albums of hers: Women of Country and the Best of Dolly Parton. How can I be bitter or upset when either of those two start playing? There was a time when I found a great deal of comfort in the songs. Now, I just love the words and messages that belt out of these great artists mouths.

I fell in love with an artist named Skeeter Davis. The chorus is repeated so often, you start believing the words.

Ah-uh, um um,
Gonna get along without you now
Got along without you before I met you
Gonna get along without you now

Although she also sings The End of the World and it too relates how I felt way back when. She’s so cute and juvenile sounding its impossible not to love this song.

Why does the sun go on shinning
Why does the sea rush to shore?
Don’t they know?
It’s the end of the world,
Cause you don’t love me anymore.

Why do the birds go on singing?
Why do the stars glow above?
Don’t they know?
It’s the end of the world
It ended when I lost your love.

I wake up in the morning and I wonder
Why everything is the same as it was
I can’t understand
No I can’t understand the way life goes on the way it does

Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don’t they know?
It’s the end of the world,
It ended when you said good-bye.

I could go on with songs from Women of country, but then there is Dolly’s album that is heaven in a cd. Songs such as Coat of Many Colours, When I sing for him, The bargain store and Lonely Comin’ Down that make it impossible to be upset or emotional and the joy of her voice eases every pain.

I woke up this morning in a strange dream.
I looked into the mirror and a strange thing.
Then I looked for you, but you could not be found.
Then I felt the lonely coming down.

I walked across the railroad to the edge of the train
Saw the imprint on the pillow where you laid your head
The presence of you still lingers all around
Once again I felt the lonely coming down

Then I felt the lonely drifting down my face
As I realized no one could take your place
I wondered where the love had gone
That you and me had known
Then again I felt the lonely coming down

I wondered where the love had gone
That you and me had known
And again I felt the lonely coming down

I could go on for a lot longer addressing my favourite songs.

I hate endings...

2006-05-11T22:51:00.000-04:00

And I hate not getting closure. But closure for me doesn’t exist. I ponder the what-if’s and the why-nots for what seems like an eternity. I dream about bumping into who ever I liked when I was fifteen and what I would say to them now. Would they like what they saw? Are they worth waiting nine years to see again and to think about the whole time?

Ø I hate how I have to wait a summer of Thursdays to find out what happens on The Office with Pam and Jim.
Ø I hate how I saw him and didn’t say anything and then I think he read my blog and even though I promised not to write about him again, I did, and he saw it.
Ø I hate how yesterday was my cousin’s birthday and she would have been 22 and in seven days it’ll be two years.
Ø And I hate how I’m conflicted with relationships. How I really want to see what he’d be like as a boyfriend and how I would like to invite him as my date to a friends wedding but I have doubts that my heart will remain with it.
Ø I hate that these weddings I have to go to are consuming my summer and what little money I have and I hate how I’m attending these weddings as a single person and even if I bring a date or meet someone there, I’m still that single person attending the weddings of friends and sitting at tables where the people are all dating or married.
Ø And I hate that Will and Grace is going off the air. I loved that show.

Before you read this and picture me very bitter and angry at the world because Jim kissed Pam and not me. Stop, I’m not bitter, just tired and venting and have listened to Dolly Parton and my mom’s Women of Country albums too frequently lately.

I walked away

2006-05-11T19:10:00.000-04:00

I checked the time before I entered the mall. He goes there frequently for lunch before he heads to work, but it was 3:00 on a Thursday he’d obviously be at work. I had no reason to worry.

I walked through the mall with one thing on my mind: cheap prices at Walmart. I walked past many stores that I would go in if I had money to spend and I walked faster then if I was there with someone. And I didn’t look around, I wasn’t going to be there for more then 30 minutes and had no reason to dilly dally.

But as I was walking back through the mall, my eye caught him and proceeded with many thoughts. I knew it was Mark, but for some reason my heart jumped to the desire to get to know him, he looked good, and I love a man who enjoys a nice cup of coffee with a book. This guy proceeded to get up from his chair and put his headphones in his ears. Did he see me and was he ignoring my presence or did he actually just decide to get up as I passed by. When I realized I was in the presence of someone whom my heart once longed for I sank, my heart stopped and my feet sped up. Then I thought that all was probably well and he’d greet me with a smile if I approached him. It had been a few months and a few settling emails since. But I proceeded to walk. I did turn though with the intention to greet him. My mind told my heart that he’s a buddy I haven’t seen for a while and wanted to catch up but my heart then told my mind that he once told me to walk away.

Of course I looked back. But I walked away. I wonder if he saw me either time I walked past him, I wonder what he thought. Did he gringe, did he hide behind his book or did he even care. I wasn’t dressed to impress, but I would have if I knew I’d see him. I would want him to know that he can still have my heart and I’m still single and if he wanted a second chance I’d be there. But I walked away.

What a night!!

2006-05-08T19:44:00.000-04:00

I rested my head against the back of the drivers seat as my friends and I were driving away from the “ladies laugh night.” I had drank too much, that was all of a sudden evident. The drink tickets cost $3 for one or 7 for $20. For some reason you always think that there is a deal when they sell more at once. I should have realized that then, I was still sober at that time. I was disappointed with the night. The comedians were lame men who weren’t told that it was an all ladies event and gave their normal routine. The pole dancer seemed bitchy and thought that our 2 minutes of learning to shake our ass was going to get us far and the other lady… well, I actually don’t know why she was there or what she was talking about. I think she was telling us to strip, that’s what the next day conversation implied anyways. I don’t recall her story, I either was in the bathroom chatting with my new friend, chatting with the lady beside me or had had too much to drink at this point and my memory was fading faster then I could finish whatever beverage I was working on.

But I remember holding my head against the back of the drivers seat and thinking that the drive back to Mel’s seemed a lot longer then it should have. I don’t like motion when I’ve had that much to drink. I wondered how I was going to get out of the car when we got to Mel’s and inside into the basement. I wondered if I was maybe actually finally going to forget something that happened while I was drunk. I wondered if I was going to pass out in the car and if the girls could carry me back into the house, or what they would do with me. And I wondered again why the trip was taking so long to get back to Mel’s. I had too much to drink and just wanted to go home.

So with my head leaning against the back of the drivers seat I realized that we were on our way to St. Thomas to party more. I knew then that I was going to ruin the fun night the ladies were bound to have. They were going to have to shorten their dancing time because I refused to go into the bar, I was going to sleep in the back seat no matter what they felt about it. It was when we parked that Jill had wondered why I still hadn’t lifted my head. She asked if I was okay and I remember shaking my head, my headache and the dizziness consumed me and I didn’t have time to tell the ladies to go and enjoy their time because I had made up my mind that I was going to sleep in the car. Instead, that’s when I puked. I cupped my hands and made sure I didn’t get it on the floor of the Honda.

I have a fondness of Honda’s and more then anything now I want a Civic, my heart will break if I have to settle for something else. For some reason I have standards in every aspect of my life. Dancing in a St. Thomas club is also something that I have standards against doing.

So with my puke in my hands and my head still against the seat I heard the words “don’t puke in the car!!” and as those words left Darla’s mouth I puked again. This time it spill over my hands and I couldn’t hold it anymore and puked again and again on the floor of the Honda. Then, I was pulled outside and placed on a rock where I proceeded to puke again. I was cold and really wanted to sit back in the car, but for reasons a sober person understands I wasn’t allowed back. I was reassured that I wasn’t going to die because both Michelle and Darla were nurses. However as I puked and held my stomach and my face away from the gravel I wondered why I wasn’t put in the Bockus position. With the two years of frosh training I had, I felt I should put myself in the bockus position, but I was with two nurses, they’d help if I needed it.

Apparently while I was recovering in the parking lot my friends on a mission to get me a glass of water. Like every good mission there are obstacles. This poindeckster was named Becky. She’s the reason we went dancing in the first place. She thought that since she looked so damn good she wanted to go show her ex-boyfriend what he was missing. (Becky, he cheated on you because he’s a loser and you’re a loser for thinking that holding on to him is going to bring him so much pain and regret for cheating on you.) I don’t know the whole story about the mission, but for some reason Becky had no concern that I was puking and was annoyed that she had to leave early and that she missed her chance to see her ex. She looked good she thought and needed to prove to the town of St. Thomas that she was somebody.

Finally as we pulled out of the parking lot and I had let it all out of my system we were off. I had a bucket in my lap while Steph convinced me to continually rinse out my mouth with the water they had stolen from the bar. The last thing I remember Becky saying that night was “Wait, stop the car!! There’s Gord. I have to show him how hot I am and what he’s missing! Stop the car, we have to go back to the bar!!”

What a loser, I hoped I puked on her.

better this way

2006-05-04T14:59:00.000-04:00

“It’s better this way,” I say to stop him from expressing anymore of his feelings. I knew where it was going as we sat on the log stretching across the river. But for some reason I didn’t expect it. I liked what we were. We were friends who managed to overcome the ‘I hate you’ phase after the break up. He was so sweet to me when I needed a friend and I knew that he needed a friend as well so I tried to be there for him in return.

When we ended I was to a point where I was fed up with only being second on his priority list. Every thing else was number one. I knew he loved me as much as he was capable of, but that wasn’t good enough. I wanted more and didn’t think I needed to settle. We were Marg and Homer, and who wants that when being Will and Grace is better.

So I broke his heart again. But realistically I just haven’t helped his heart move on. It’s still holding on to me because I’m still in sight. He said the words “I probably would have asked you to marry me” and so I thought probably? We did date for a year and apparently you know within the first 6 months if you want to marry the other person. I told him that and I said that if he didn’t know by now, then it wasn’t meant to be. I told him that it wasn’t what he did, and that I was happy single. I didn’t really lie but I wasn’t exactly true. There are so many things he could have done, but that would have only prolonged what was bound to happen. We are both better suited for someone else out there but I care for him and hate the thought that he’s hurting.

So I sit here, contemplating if there is a better way of letting him down, wondering if I should have walked away back in October, and wondering how he’s feeling. It is better this way but it’s out of my hands now.

The Dating Resume

2006-05-01T13:31:00.000-04:00

Here is another blog inspired by The Independent Woman’s Guide to Life. It’s great having something to go to for inspiration again. This time I was reading the book on my back porch. I thought that maybe the title of the book would lead people, especially attractive attainable men to the notion that I may be reading a self-help/psychology type book preparing myself for a lifetime of Independence. I’m not. This book is about a girl and her adventures post university: the dating and the jobs.

Gina, the main character is interested in a man and has begun spending time with him. She calls it her interview period and even suggests that resumes should be exchanged. Of course she didn’t tell Paul, her interest, but she merely imagined the ease that it’d bring to dating. And so I began thinking about the idea of my dating resume. And what/who I would include in it. I don’t put my painting experience on my resume and so I wouldn’t include the meaningless and time filling dates and crushes. But then, what counts as meaningless? I’m sure that every relationship has made me grow so then do they all qualify for a place?

I’ve probably learned something from all/most of my dates so then do I put the good/progress experience like Mike, Matt and Gaven or do I put stuff on there that implies I’m still confused and rather then learning, I’ve declined and still wondering why not like Tyler or Mark. And then if your presently interested in someone do you admit it or do you leave it off, like the part-part-time turkey car giver that only you and a few close friends know you have.

Do you indicate all your experience or just relating to what you are looking for? Like if you want a long lasting companionship do you only put your serious ones on there or if you only want a fling do you include your single dates? And then what if mid-fling you decide that you’re interested in a little more. Do you change your resume and resubmit it or do you use your work experience to build this from a part time fling to a career?

See, this is why I’m single. I spend too much time in contemplation about the small insignificant details and don’t just let things happen. I have too many part time flings on my resume, which shows I have minimal experience for the long haul. However sometimes it’s not the men who are turning away the long haul and it’s my lack of motivation pulling at the plug.

I’m in resume and cover letter writing mode so I may just write one for the heck of it. Maybe I’ll post it, maybe not.

the term failure...

2006-04-29T11:50:00.000-04:00

I’m not going to admit defeat, but some days it seems easier then persevering. The term failure seems to love me these days.

Issue One: My Quilt
If I was a professional quilter I’d know all the little tricks to making it perfect but because I’m not I can’t even get close to perfection. My last strip of 5 patches ended up being much shorter then the other strips and so I have to find some way to make it long while finding ways to make the other five strips line up. It’s very complicated and if I had thought about everything ahead of time then I would have done everything differently. I’m too eager to see progress and am not worried about the finial product as much as I should be. If I knew making a quilt would be this complex I wouldn’t have attempted it or maybe I would have and I would still do it, but knowing that it’s very complex.
I keep making goals, for the long term, for the day and for the week. I don’t know how long I expected it to take me but I’m nowhere near any of the goals I’ve made. Every process that I plan to take a day it actually requires three days of work that I didn’t envision. So now my goal of getting the top fully completed for this next weekend is pushed back a week and my fusteration has risen to an all time high with the little details I now know I should have done weeks ago.

Issue two: my car
Today was supposed to be a car-shopping day. Yes, I’m that close to actually buying a car that there was a day set aside to look at them. I called Tyler to see if he’d take me. Tyler is my brother-in-law’s son who is 22 or something but has been fixing and remodelling Honda Civics for about 8 years now. He dropped out of school early and has been spending most of his time and money souping up cars. Who better to ask right? Well last minute he told me that he has a baby Christening to go to and wasn’t sure if he could make it. I’m assuming by his presence here that he couldn’t make it after all. I hope the people that I called don’t mind me not showing up.
So then now I have to rearrange my plans, Honda Civics seem to get sold really fast and I’m sure that by the next time I have a chance to see some they will all be sold. *Sigh* Mayve it’s a sign, I’m not meant to have a car. Which leads to my next issue.

Issue three: My job.
Maybe I’m just not meant to have a job. If I can’t get the same job I had last summer because I’m not qualified for it then how am I supposed to beat out the competition of a job which I haven’t done before. It was a quick blow to the head hearing that I didn’t qualify for my previous position and I’m left with thoughts of inadequacy. I mean if there were restrictions on that job like I had to be a student or I could only have it one year then this rejection wouldn’t be as hard. But guess what… there were no restrictions and I thought and was told by former CVC employees that I’d be a surefire in. But I’m not… because I am not qualified for this year. I think it is actually a personal thing. I think if she liked me she’d give me an interview at least and if there were other more quailified people that beat me in the interview people I’d have no choice but to move on. But I don’t even get an interview. I could rant longer but I’m sure you no longer care about my job searching troubles and am tired of hearing about this depressing time for me. So life goes on and now I’m left to keep plugging away at this process.

a blurb of my almost exciting day in Hamilton

2006-04-27T19:37:00.000-04:00

I left the house today and as I sit here in the food court of a dowtown Hamilton mall drinking my tea and waiting for the slightest bit of motivation to hit I have decided to write. I was reading my new book The Independent Woman’s Guide to Life and checking out mean when I realized I’d rather be writing about my findings then reading. This adventure is as good as it gets these days and I should write about it and read later.

So like I said, I’m in the downtown part of Hamilton. When you look out one set of doors you can see a very run down area, but on the other side of the mall you can see blocks and blocks of wealthy high rise buildings containing banking offices and the like. And the mall is a conglomerate of both types of people. It makes looking around hard. In one regard looking towards the less fortunate could lead to a communication of some sort; either a desire for my money or a desire for my company. But at the same time I don’t want to miss the opportunity to spot a hottie. I picked the food court and a no name coffee shop to avoid the Timmies line up and the crowded excuse they call their eating area. I’m much happier here and I should boycott timmies more often considering my dislike for the corporation and my past employment. I paid $1.35 for my medium tea but would have paid the same for any other size. Finally a coffee shop that makes sense and is expensive because they need the money rather then the need to rip people off.

The Dollarama just opened its doors meaning it’s either 9 am or 10. About the time I’d get up and begin to think about my ‘To Do’ list. I was wrong, It’s 9:30 but anyways I am assuming the library is open and I can leave the food court. I enjoy writing about the people here but the man who just grabbed the table beside me looks like he just work up and the people he was begging from the night before gave him too much booze. I don’t mean to sound rude but I gotta protect myself in the only way I know how: avoid the conflict by ignoring people.

… ...

I was in town because I was asked to complete a “Return to work Action Plan” from the hrdc office in town. This event happened after lunch when my sister was available to take me from the mall to the hrdc place. This was an event that almost brought me to use my aggressive argumentative side of me. As I got to the place, I was told that I needed to go to a different office and in order to get my action plan I needed to make an appointment. But because I am in town so infrequently I walked to one of the offices where I was supposed to go (but with an appointment) and prepared myself to be very aggressive in order to bypass this whole appointment system. I walked in and told them my situation. “I was asked to get a Return to work action plan and I was asked to get one ASAP for a possible interview.” After some resistance to say “fine” and walk out he said that he’d take me through the process over his lunch. What a great guy. It almost seems like my meeting with a HRDC employee was a waste of time because apparently I’m just having bad luck and bad timing with my offers. Anyways more about that meeting is sure to appear in a upcoming blog, I’m writing it in my head as I am writing this blog.

I managed to find my way to find my way to another mall where I walked around and realized I couldn’t afford to purchase anything let alone dream about the new fashions. I had lunch there and figured out the bussing system to get back to the other mall. I have noticed that Hamilton is a very diverse city filled with the fortunate (who weren’t on the bus with me) and the less fortunate who were. The hour bus ride was along Main/King line and drove past many run down buildings and homes while in the background and larger and wealthier buildings were spotted.

The big cities are so much different then in the country and I gain a new appreciation for my location with most trips.

but wishing it was thursday

2006-04-24T15:50:00.000-04:00

Well after a few key phone calls, an hour in the hottub and a blog that didn’t post I am at ease with my recent yet most heartbreaking job rejection. And after hanging up the phone with a key contact I flipped through the Readers Digest and for some reason turned to the “Quotable Quotes” section. Who knew that those dumb actors and actresses would know what to say to cheer me up. (Truthfully I’m drunk and can find happiness in any phrase or quote after the third beverage.)

“No good movie is too long and no bad movie is short enough” Roger Ebert.
“Gossip is just news running ahead of itself in a red satin dress” Liz Smith.
“They say everybody gets 15 minutes. I hope I’m just inside the first minute and the next 14 go really slow” Terrence Howard.
“Making a movie is like moving a piano. You’re gonna get banged up.” Bill Murray.
“With my sunglasses on, I’m Jack Nicholson. Without them, I’m fat and 60” by who else but the Jack Nicholson.
“Life should be a little nuts; otherwise it’s just a bunch of Thursdays strung together” Kevin Costner.
“I wanted to win an Oscar so that I’d get more scripts without other actors’ coffee stains on them.” From one of my favs, Michael Cain.
I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer” Jim Carrey. Whoa, who ever thought he could go that deep.

So with these I hope that your having more luck with your life then I am and I wish you all the best till my next blog of ranting or merely just my need for mental stimulation.

~m~

it only hurts when i breath

2006-04-24T13:01:00.000-04:00

WAYN... just another way you'll ignore me

2006-04-22T19:25:00.000-04:00

Almost exactly a year since I’ve graduated my undergrad and my inbox gets filled with emails saying “join WAYN with me” or “join hi 5 and keep in touch with your friends” or “join sms.ca and make new friends” from friends who should be calling me or msning me rather then sending me a mass email about new and exciting ways we can keep in touch.

My opinion is if you can’t make the effort to email me with a quick hello or phone call then why bother wanting to keep in touch with me through yet another communication method that your busy life doesn’t allow you to use. For example, my most recent annoying WAYN email is from Heather a friend from high school who I still get together with when we are both in Aylmer or someone has planned a girls night. But lately her priorities are with her fiancé and her wedding plans that have been two years in the making. She lives with her fiancé and it seems like we have all taken a shaft because she owes him every minute of her life. And when we do get together it’s “Ron this, Ron that.”

WAYN stands for Where Are You Now and though it’d be cool to see how people have progressed since the good ‘ole days of Aylmer I fail to see why I need to care now merely five years since I left Aylmer and if people like Heather care so much about where the fuck I am, she should just ask. But I guess my bitterness also comes from being placed second against everyone’s boyfriends because heaven forbid they take some time away from them.

skin

2006-04-21T10:25:00.000-04:00

My cousin’s battle with cancer ended about two years ago and I’ll never get over it. She was my favourite cousin but even though we weren’t that close in proximity it hurts, I wanted to be with her. Six of ten, the songs says and she was one of the four. She was a great deal of my inspiration when I was taking my writing class, I wrote poems and stories about her but Rascal Flatts her song. Any country singer is bound to write about the effect of cancer but what are the odds they’d use her name and why did I have to hear it almost two years to the date? I guess it just enters my library of songs that make me think of her regardless of when it came out.

My favourite new word is coin slot. My sister and I were watching SNL while babysitting my niece and they had a mock commercial for skin cream for the skin right above the pant line. My other sister has an issue with constantly showing her crack and apparently with certain jeans I do as well. I kind of feel like there is an epidemic and now it’s finally diagnosed. Coin slot is just a great word and knowing that I have acquired a booty to create coinslot is good news as well.

My niece is adorable and so many family gatherings are focused around her due to her energy and her goofiness. My favourite story of her on Sunday involves one of her frequent trips to look out the back screen door. My sister Joanne and I were sitting by the kitchen table, knees were up and my coin slot was probably showing but as were my love handles. So as Alexa is walking away from the screen door she walked up to me and grabs a hold of my bare skin and then walks away. She has a fetish with needing to hold skin when she is being fed or when she is crying. For some reason bare skin on your neck or your back is nurturing and comforting for her. So with this grab she analyzed my nurturing ability and then walked away leaving me very confused with her actions. I guess with her only being a year old she’s not expected to make a great deal of sense. But she is still extremely adorable.

The Independent Woman's Guide to Life

2006-04-13T15:42:00.000-04:00

Today I realized I’m like the turkeys. As I walked up the drumlin back to my house I looked over at the two turkeys that I let out of the coop. It’s my daily job, opening the door for them, making sure they have plenty of water and feed and collecting the eggs. Well I looked back today to see them walking outside, a place they are eagerly waiting for every morning that I appear by the door. The one was pecking at the grass and the other had prepared herself to take a mad dash down the path in yet another attempt to fly. She doesn’t elevate and hasn’t any of the times that she has tried but she keeps trying. She has wings and a disappointed look in her body when she realizes that she didn’t fly. And in that way I am the same. I have a desire and a disappointed face when I have been rejected yet another time from another job. But if I could give up I would by now. I need a job and I’ve worked hard towards an ideal job so then when I am I going to realize I can’t fly?

On another note. Today I received a book from Gabi Lorino a women I met while in England. She wrote a book called “The Independent Woman’s Guide to Life” and recently she emailed me to see if I wanted a copy. I’ve looked this book up before but because it’s not widely known, it wouldn’t be in any bookstores around here. I rarely get mail and getting books is very exciting. I’ve read the first chapter so far and am looking forward to reading the rest. The title itself tells me that it’s a book about my life and I must deal with what’s to come regarding the career life and the dating. I’ll criticize the book later once it’s fully read but for now it’s just exciting to receive it.

The Sum of all Fears

2006-04-12T12:06:00.000-04:00

I’m not an avid Dr. Phil watcher but I’m normally sitting by the tv at that time of the day so I flip to it once in a while. Yesterdays topic was about fear, and boy can I relate, I fear more then sometimes humanly possible. However, I’m not afraid of masked characters or aliens like the people on the show.

I fear a great deal and it seems true with Dr. Phil’s theory that the only fear is loosing control of the circumstances and it’s your weakest area that creates cause for fear. I fear almost anything. I hate heights, I hate scary movies, I fear that people close to me are going to die, I fear the holistic damage of men whether it being rapped or a broken heart or beaten, I fear being robbed and loosing my processions, and I fear driving, I fear that something will happen to me because I’m not a good driver.

It’s not that I’m a bad driver, I’ve just never been given the opportunity to be a good driver. I hardly ever drive. My dad yelling at every stupid thing while learning to drive didn’t help and loosing friends in car accidents hasn’t eased the idea of driving either. But I’m at a point in my life where I am car dependent and though I’ve pictured myself owning a car (cause that’s just what you do when your older) I don’t feel I’m ready. But on the other hand I’m missing out on so much by not having a car and lets face it, I’m not becoming gainfully employed by just sitting around. So fear one addressed, eventually I will purchase a car and I’ll gain confidence and control.

Fear two is my phobia of the dark, not only when the lights go out but what is possibly happening when you can’t see around you. Yes, there is a loss of control there, you can’t run from what you don’t know is happening. The other night I was annoyed that none of my friends were available to come and spend the night here. I understand that there wasn’t a lot of notice but my best friend wasn’t willing to drive an hour to see me when she had nothing else to do but she can drive an hour and a half to see her boyfriend twice a week. Anyways my dislike for being ditched for the other sexes is a topic for another day. I dealt with my fear of the dark though. It was real simple, I drank a lot and by the time I actually crawled in bed I could care less about the stupid noises and the fact that I had to leave all the lights on because I had too big of a headache and the fear was numbed.

I’m a big girl and I shouldn’t fear the dark anymore but I can’t get out of bed after the lights go out and when I do to go to the bathroom or something I need to turn all the lights back on to make sure that no one is there. Watching Dr. Phil made a lot of sense though and I’m not embarrassed to be afraid of things as much as I was. I have had circumstances that have brought on these fears but what is life without challenges. I’ll buy that car and live on my own for a period of my life and the darkness will swallow the light, day after day.

Not Ready to Make Nice

2006-04-07T16:08:00.000-04:00

Thank goodness for the Dixie Chicks (www.dixiechicks.com) they always seem to sing with my thoughts in mind. And for Joey I sing:

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it rightI probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I don't know if i did the right thing by not forgiving him last night and being cold when he wanted to chat. But it's not fair how i have to ignore his harsh words just because he is stressed.

Untitled

2006-04-02T21:14:00.000-04:00

Today was a good day. I went with my sister to the Lifefest show in Toronto. This is a women’s show with a crapload of sponsors meaning a great deal of free stuff. I walked away with stuff I doubt I will ever use, but it was free. I have two different types of shaving cream. I mean, I use shaving cream, but not everyday and I don’t bath in it. I have samples of lotions and vitamins that will sit in my drawer for a while before I realize they have gone beyond their best before date and then I throw out what I haven’t used, for the past four years. Along with the free stuff there were speakers, and demonstrations and of course pamphlets that I plan on reading, but probably won’t for a while. I don’t think this event is unimaginable and I don’t feel like describing a room full of booths but just merely wanted to say that I had a great day and scored some goods.

I think I have a new crush. He’s a boy that I’ve chatted with for a while now but never thought about him as more then a friend. Today I spent the whole day telling my sister details of my past conversation with him and thinking about him and wanting to tell him about the day. But I wonder if this is just me wanting a companion. I have no life besides my msn and am looking for excitement in anyone paying attention to me. He’s cute though and he’s sensitive (I think) and we seem to be able to chat for a while about anything. But it comes back to me running from what I have and chasing what I can’t have and as soon as I find out where he stands I am confused. But this isn’t a Mark or Tyler situation. I’m not in awe, I’m not so taken aback that I’m not sleeping or eating because I know he exists. And I want that, I want to feel that my man is a gift from God and that my life won’t go on if it doesn’t happen. This seems like it’s a convenience thing, like its need for companionship and he’s just the best one in line.

I’m done my phase of wanting to be single though. I know it didn’t last long but the other day I starting reading this book called “How To Meet Men As Smart As You” to prepare myself for a new relationship and where I should go to meet people. I can’t say I read it in great depth though, I merely skimmed the pages while watching Operah. My brother-in-law picked it up for me the other day and I’m not sure if he is hinting I should be dating or if he merely just thought of me and picked it up. (I also have the book “He’s just not into you” out of the same situation.) I’m not in the phase of my life where I am out meeting people and enjoying my time. I’ll be a burden to a boyfriend and use them to vent about my boredom rather then using them as an exciting escape from my monotonous working day. However, my four weddings that I will be attending this summer leave me wondering whether I should bring a date or attend them alone while all my friends have dates.

So I feel I have much to sleep on.

I have an addiction :(

2006-04-01T18:08:00.000-05:00

I play The Sims too often. At least three hours today have been wasted. It's not like i'm wasting time and i should be doing something else, but i'm annoyed because there are much more productive things i could be doing then wasting brain cells looking at a stupid computer game. And i really don't have many more brain cells to loose. I think i need to put my Sim CD's away for a bit or focus on blogging. Anyways, my boredom continues and still am left to write a entertaining blog... Stay tuned.

This is my house that I recreated. Sims style

Here are Craig, Soleil and Joey Singing KumByeYah at the camp fire. I almost wet myself with this event. Out of the three of the of these people Soleil would be the one to pull out her guitare at the key moment and here her Sims Character is playing.

Chances are I have a sims character named after you and eventually i will post events and pictures when i get around to it or have a story to tell.

boredom

2006-03-31T15:44:00.000-05:00

I am really bored today. I have a list of things todo but have no motivation to do anything. I'm tired of cover letters and i'm tired of sitting in front of my computer in general. I should have taken the day off to go into Waterloo for the day but my best friend who lives there doesn't want to see me so what's the point of wasting a whole day at the mall for nothing.

I haven't worked on my quilt lately either. I need to get some fabric but in the meantime i could be fixing up some unperfect patches. The patches are a lot of work to fix up, it requires unstitching them and that's a great deal of work. If it's just the main strip that needs redoing, that's not as bad, but i've gotten into the patches that need to be undone throughout the whole patch.

Well blogging doesn't seem to be helping my boredom, i'm going to play more sims.

better days

2006-03-28T16:34:00.000-05:00

I have so many things I want to say, but lack the strength to finish a sentence. For example; Apparently he thought I was excellent and he liked me so much, but he went with a different person for the job. And then I’m stuck being depressed again and I know I shouldn’t be and I know that I clearly wasn’t good enough for the job and someone was better and I should let them have the job and be happy for them and as I waited for this guy to call me to offer me the job I thought about someone being more deserving them myself. Like what if someone that they interviewed had been unemployed for nine months and I’m only going on month 7, clearly they are more deserving, but yet I fail to see it that way and I feel that my seven months of hell is enough to guarantee me a job. I don’t know how to sell myself and as a good Mennonite I never will be. I am humble by faith but and fucked by the same faith.

And the car that want so badly now just drove past. And I thought that the black looked the best but that was dark blue and still looked great I guess the dark aqua looks good too but always planned on the black. And theres another thought. Not getting this job means not getting this car or least without the hassle of knowing where my next payment will come. And I’m upset about not getting something I didn’t really even want. My dad didn’t even trust me with the riding lawnmower but yet I’m supposed to trust myself with a car?

And why is there a half eaten bird on the stairs outside my house? It looks like a chicken but the last one that died was a few weeks ago now and why would an animal be carrying it around this long? It’s white (or once was) like a chicken but it’s one claw that was left attached to the body is smaller then the chickens normally are and I can’t think of a white bird that would be that big just hanging out around here. The biggest birds that are here eating from the feeders are doves and blue jays and the red bellied woodpecker but none are white and their normal body size are the size of the piece of whatever bird that was eaten by whatever animal left it there. And I think about my cat and how he would leave a dead mouse for me to see and as a present for me but I don’t think that is the reason for this bird to appear on my steps now. And I miss my cat

I’m sorry you’ve read my rant and I’m sorry that I’m upset and depressed and dwelling on my pain. But if I can’t express myself here, what’s the point of ever expressing it. But don’t worry, my door frame and my window heard more of my ranting then you have and thankfully I’ve calmed down and my eyes have stopped hurting and I can maybe sit on the couch and watch tv and maybe actually get dressed today. And maybe tomorrow will be better.

And I’ll leave you with my don’ts for today and maybe I’ll write the corresponding Do’s tomorrow.

-Don’t drink a beer while in the hottub, it only makes you go pee and makes you get out sooner then you planned.
-Don’t tell me I was excellent and you really liked me and in the same sentence tell me that you are sorry but you offered the job to someone else.
-Don’t place your happiness in the hands of a guy named Mark. (Second strike and I’m sorry if that’s your name, but that’s the way the deck was shuffled)
-Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, put them in different pockets so that they don’t hit together and break.
-Don’t listen to sad songs that you can relate to, listen to wonderful songs that I you want to relate to.
-Don’t drink three alcoholic beverages before you’ve eaten anything, I’m assuming it can’t be good for you.

the view

2006-03-27T23:27:00.000-05:00

I found myself in a million of my own tears
Nothing seems fair.
But then there is a moth on my window and it wants to come in
I’m assuming.
And I wonder why,
It’s cold in here, my room is a mess and I have a rash on my chin
From my blanket cause was wiping away my tears with it.
And this moth wants to come in?
It’s not all that it seems I tell him, it’s not fun in here and even though there is a bed in this room its not comfortable and he’s better off where he is.
And I realize I’m talking to a moth
And I realize that I am so sad that I don’t even care that I am showing my tears and I keep talking to him
But he’s gone now, like my hopes and dreams,
He’s gone like the past and I can’t change what I studied in school and I can’t change who my dad was or the fact that I still long for the teddy that I used to sleep with when I was 5.

My words seem empty and I’m sorry I didn’t give the moth a chance,
Maybe he would have liked it inside and who am I to not let him in?

Joey... one of my best friends

2006-03-26T22:32:00.000-05:00

Actually I don't have any time to head and see you, I have school work and work to deal with. Sorry but I don't have time to deal with anything else other than school. I have a very busy next couple weeks and then I have to work and find a job, so I don't think I have any free time for the next couple weeks, and even if i find a couple days off I'll most likely be heading to cornwall and gathering my stuff or helping my parents move. Sorry nothing I can do. I'll talk to you later. Joey

This coming from a guy who I have considered one of my best friends for the past four years. I couldn’t make it to Waterloo this weekend and he begged me and gave me the guilty treatment so I emailed him saying I’ll make it in for a day and we can spend the day together. I noted that I may need a pick-me-up if I don’t get this job after all and this is what he emailed in return.

And so to Joey I want to say:
I’m sorry you have to deal with having a job and managing a social life, plus actually trying to sit down and do some homework. But welcome to the last two years of my education. I struggled my whole university career to cope with issues of money and grades. I’ve actually sat down and read all my text books because I’ve always wanted to get good grades, I was never there because my parents were supporting my time. And I know you knew I worked, you asked me often to get together and join you at the bars. Do you know why I wouldn’t?? Because I had to pay for life: stuff like books, food and rent. I’m sorry you never understood my sacrifices but now you know what I went through. I’m not forcing you to spend a ton of money, I’m not forcing a great deal of your time, and I’m not forcing you to do anything you don’t want to do. Don’t treat me like you can’t fit me into your life and blame our flawed relationship on me!

But I write this all in a blog because he doesn’t read blogs, he says if he’s a friend he’ll hear it from me, and it’s true, if I ever write anything important I will surely tell you about it first. But these are words I don’t want him to read, I want to pretend that you don’t constantly hurt me and that your emails that I perceive as negative actually aren’t. If I can turn away from you while your going through your tempter tantrum then I can avoid more of a feud. I think I deserve better then his constant belittling.

Anyways just needed to vent. This is one of my favourite pictures of us. We are very close, but i guess we just have our days (and for some reason he gets PMS too).

My car, and my fears

2006-03-25T23:02:00.000-05:00

After a serious talk with my brother in law about cars the other day I have come to the scary reality that I am only two-steps away from buying a car. I have a car in mind and have had this car in mind for a while now, though it is not my dream car, but a care that I could possibly be driving. My dream car is a Mazda Protégé 5 but after some research that car is above my price range. Many cars are, however, my new dream, an Oldsmobile Alero isn’t. I’ve done some research into cars and dealerships lately and many dealerships are way higher then the dealership where I found this car and many cars are much older then 2002 and still priced higher. But the thought crosses my mind too. Should I buy this nice 4 year-old car for $9000 or should I buy the neighbours shitbox car for sale and pay less then $2000 for something I’ll drive for a third of the time. Tom and I talked about the insurance I’ll need and what to do first when purchases it. He told me a great deal about insurance processes and what to look for when calling around, he told me what to ask when I look at the vehicle and make sure I note what I’m looking for in a car. I concluded with a sigh saying that I can’t afford one now but maybe I’ll have a job in a month and he said “well you’ll be making car payments all your life, what’s one more month?”

So I sit here, day after day playing the sims, quilting, checking emails and looking up cars and insurance quotes. Am I really this close? I don’t even like the thought of the responsibility and the damage of what I could end up doing to myself but yet I like the thought of having a car and having a life. It’s true, what is one more month?

I know that when I get a job a car may be essential, but there is sometimes the possibility of moving into town and taking public transit, like good environmentalists. But with my present lead I would need a car and if this job happens, I would need a car soon. So I’m stuck, I want a car, but I want to put off the payments of a car as long as possible. I don’t know …(sigh)

the need to blog

2006-03-24T12:04:00.000-05:00

I’ve been talking to myself a great deal this morning and I will spend the rest of my day talking to myself about nothing and will get nothing done. So one cure is to blog; to jot down ideas and to focus my mind rather then just babble to myself about my trip that I took to England in September or my dating philosophies. I’ve had a list of possible blog entries that I’ve wanted to write about but just haven’t yet so I will pick one to talk about.

My New Baby: My quilt.

My quilt is coming along. I’m in what I call phase two of the process. Phase one was sewing the patches together; I needed 30 but decided to make a few extra in case of future pillowcases and to have a better chance of finding 30 perfect patches. So the patches are done and phase two began. Phase two is sewing the patches together and organizing the lattice colour scheme. The quilt is 5x6 (patches) and so far I have the first row of 5 assembled. It looks fabulous and took much less time putting it together then I thought. So once again I’m addicted to quilting, or should I say, I’m still addicted. Even though phase two takes less time then I originally thought, it’s going to be tough because there are many patches that I need to redo. I find that discouraging because I have worked so long to make the patches as perfect as I can and now I have brought myself to need a greater level of perfection then I have. People have commented that since it’s my own personal quilt and I’m not reselling it, it doesn’t have to be perfect, but it does because of the amount of time I’ve put into it. I think maybe once this one is done I’ll make another one, maybe for sale or maybe a present, or maybe for goodwill or something. We’ll see.

This topic probably isn’t as interesting as I think is, I’ll pick another topic. (But don’t think you’ve heard the last of my quilting)

Last night was a disappointed television night. It was Thursday and was my much-anticipated night to watch tv. Will & Grace was new, which was good, and it had cowboys, which was also good. There was two episodes of My Name is Earl, one new and one not, but I hadn’t seen it before and was able to enjoy it as with the new one. There was no Four Kings, which was good, cause I’m not a huge fan of that show and I doubt that it will last long. But the kicker was that The Office was a rerun. It’s not like it was a rerun of this season, which would have even been good cause I haven’t seen that many of this seasons, but it was of last season of which I own the dvd of. And I was so excited about it being Thursday night tv night that I watched my dvd of The Office as a prep for the new show and had already seen the aired episode that day and three previous times before.

A previous blog probably discussed Grace being pregnant and I was shocked because I didn’t know whose baby it could have been. So I waited through the Olympics and eagerly watched the next Thursday’s episode that ended up being a rerun. After three weeks of not knowing who the father could be I grew anxious to watch the next new show. When the show was finally aired, Grace announced that it was Leo’s baby very causally as though no one should have expected otherwise. The thought that it was Leo’s crossed my mind but they have been divorced for a season and a half now and I thought there must be someone else in her life now. It’s Leo’s though and apparently they had sex on the plane to England (which I didn’t know). So I wasted anticipation on something that seems so obvious.

My new curiosity with My Name is Earl comes from last week’s episode of him going to his parents place. His parents seem like a very typical American couple. And they live in a typical suburb. So my thought is: if Earl’s parents are wealthy, why does he live in a hotel and where is this trailer park association from. Earl’s father bought him a mustang and without knowing it, he lost it. There is a bit of wealth shown there. Also, why does Earl’s brother Randy choose to live with Earl in his hotel rather then his parents in their typical American suburb? I guess the show needs to have angles and bring in characters. But too much doesn’t make sense for it to be believable. Also in last night’s episode there was a flashback to when Earl and Joey Lain (spelling) were married and she was pregnant. We know by watching the show that she is with Crabman and has two kids, but one is white and one is darker. So is the white boy living with Joey Lain Earls? And why doesn’t he take responsibility for him?

Anyways the time I have allotted to blogging is up. I should plan to get on with my day.

Not being a Jim

2006-03-20T20:43:00.000-05:00

Last weekend I went to church and Jim Froese had the message. Jim is one of the leaders in the church that gives the messages some times to give the pastor a break. Heaven forbid that someone who only works on Sundays has to work every Sunday.

Jim’s message was about fearing men. He opened with a story about the ridiculing that he received when he was new from Mexico. Mennonites spent some time in Mexico as part of our journey and its common for them to move here and look very poor and conservative. Anyways he was made fun of and called a taco until he looked the English part and began to make fun of other Mexican Mennonites the same way he once was made fun of. Fun that Jim’s main point was to encourage the congregation to befriend people who are not like us, people who may need Christ in there lives. The punch line was that we were not meant to be like Jim or Peter (a biblical reference). He sent a dare and looked at us with a very innocent but assertive look as to say that this was our mission and we shouldn’t let him down. He stated that we should befriend people with a brow ring, coloured hair, who dress provocatively or people who’ve had an abortion. And he looks up with the same innocent/assertive glare. With these friends we should bring them to church. “Damn, I knew there was a catch to needed to befriend them”.

Many things about this caught my attention. I have been very critical of religion for a few years now and this seemed to be as good of any to be critical. My sister and I carried on that day mocking his message by asking each other and my mom about scenarios that Jim didn’t mention.
“If I convinced a friend to get his eyebrow pierced does he count towards my list of who to bring to church?”
“If I dress provocatively for church and I sit beside someone can they count me on their list?”
“Do I need to bring them to church? Or can I just befriend them?”
“Do they need to take their brow ring out for church or do they need to leave it in so they can see that I have accomplished the mission of bringing someone who needs Christ to church?”
And we would constantly point to people on the streets or in the restaurant and mockingly asked them if they wanted to go to church. I was comforted with her because I realized I wasn’t the only one who didn’t agree with our mission to bring everyone to church.

My first thought was: who is to say that this person with their eyebrow ring isn’t already a Christian and who am I to judge their faith? To be friends with them is one thing and I feel proud that I have mastered have a wide assortment of friends who by outward appearance aren’t Christian. Joey, one of my best friends has had an assortment of piercings and I feel that is a lame thing to judge him on, Craig also had an earring when I met him but that didn’t change how I looked towards him and I know many people, who by Mt. Salem standards, dress provocatively. It’s this notion that just because I am a Christian I am supposed to be holier then everyone who is not a Christian. It’s like an unwritten rule. Jim seemed to allude to it when he judged the people by their outward appearance and wanted us to bring them to church. We should be packing our own bags for Hell rather then judging on who is all going to hell. And I know about this unwritten rule because I’ve felt it myself. I’ve felt people within my own church giving me the treatment and my own friends who are holier then me actually giving me the ‘my church means more to me then you’ attitude. I was always a Christian and did my time praying, but yet people still thought I needed to be encouraged to know Christ.

And my second thought comes from that. I am supposed to bring people to Mt. Salem??? Please, I would go to a church I didn’t even know with people I was first introducing to church then to go to Mt. Salem. Not everyone there is bad, and it also comes from my shyness and inverted ness that I am a not best friend with the lot of them. But if I were to bring a friend to church I know that they’d be stared at and identified as the non-Christian and no one would say hi to them or acknowledge them. Our mission was to bring them to church because they are different then us, which is exactly what they would be. Different. Mt. Salem thrives on conformity and you can only be part of this clique if you dress like the rest, date within the church, and make Mt. Salem and Christ your whole life. I don’t want to bring people into a church like this and I hope that God forgives me for not saving that person with an eyebrow who is most certainly going to hell for it.

Jim mentioned befriending someone who’s had an abortion because he obviously feels very strongly about abortion being wrong and that person would be the greatest sinner of all. I agree that we need to be friends with everyone including the biggest sinners but bringing them to church the first sign of friendship probably won’t help the cause. To say I love you despite your past is one thing, but I have taken offence to his “I’m going to be your friend on the condition that I can take you to church and turn your life around.” My moms opinion of the service was not entirely positive either and I’m betting it was Jim’s use of the word abortion that might have upset her. “How dare we bring ourselves to their levels,” I can hear her and other overly conservative women saying. I’m not saying anything about my views of abortion but I am noting the inappropriate ness to it. He wanted to make a point, but other then that one, the characteristics we are supposed to be seeking out and befriending were all outer appearances. He could have mentioned gays or divorcees but didn’t. Are they still welcomed in church?

Well Jims a good speaker, he knows how to speak to people on a wide range of levels and has a good mix of humour and seriousness in his conversations, but I wasn’t particularly fond of this message. It’s Mt. Salem after all and I’ve moved on from that church and that way of thinking. I’m still a Mennonite and this is a very Mennonite way of thinking, but I’ll relate with your next message Jim.

Seeking Attention

2006-03-19T22:49:00.000-05:00

The male race frustrates me and I wish I lacked the feelings to care. However, I care too much and probably always will. I’m not in the mood to date now but for some reason my heart seeks attention.

I had a weekend with Mike this past weekend and even though I claim that it is important that we stay friends I don’t realize what I am doing by trying. I should let him go, I broke it off with him and to show I was serious I should have walked away. But this weekend I had an interview in Mississauga and he was available to take me to it. It’s not awkward with us, we can chat about anything and everything. But then he reaches for my hand. What do I do? Do I hold his hand and smile showing that I am truly enjoying being with him or do I pull my hand away and indicate that I am strictly interesting in a friendship and we need to learn to get past the physical feelings we hold. The later sounds best and if I were stronger I’d do it. But I leave my hand under his because I don’t want to be harsh and give off the wrong message. I’m starting to see why being friends is wrong. I used to be fine with the benefits that come with being friends with your ex, but these benefits are fun for me because my heart isn’t still there. His is. Am I leading him on making him think that there might be something still between us? Why do I still cuddle with him when my mind is somewhere else? Do I feel obligated? Cause I shouldn’t. I wasn’t happy and I don’t want to slip into the mode of doing things for him when I what I’m doing isn’t making me happy. So I’m torn, but it will work itself out.

My second frustration is my friend Brian. Over the summer I was crushing on him, but I guess when he turned around and had feelings for me I ran. I think it should be expected, I run from a lot of men who might have feelings for me and it seems like I only go for the challenge. The first date I had with Brian was very awkward. He walked too close to me and wouldn’t take a hint that I was trying to walk away. He rested his arm on my leg when we sat and he pushed so hard that I couldn’t move my leg. And his playing footsies with me under the table felt like him kicking me, when I moved my feet he’d do it again. At that time my split with Mike was very new and Brian acted like we were dating and I shouldn’t have any feelings for Mike. And then at the end of the night he kissed me, it is the most awkward kiss I have ever had. Anyways six months later, six months after me giving him every line I can think of (most true though) about not wanting to get together he is still trying. I’m nice though, its not that I don’t want a friendship, but I don’t want to date him. So a bit earlier this week he asks if I wanted to get together this weekend, I said okay, cause maybe it’ll be different now. But I am notorious for backing out at the last minute. Anyways when I asked him what he had in mind to do he replies with a list and includes “causal relations.” What!!! NO!! Although I know he was sarcastic because he always is. However, I failed to see the appropriateness to that. So I ignored it to the best of my abilities, but then today he suggests we go hottubing. And he didn’t seem to want to give the idea up. The excuse I gave him was that I don’t feel comfortable around people in my bathing suit. I know I have nothing to worry about but that’s the thing, that’s why I don’t feel comfortable, especially around people like him. If he’s so crazy for me the last thing I want to do is sit in a hottub with him and go through his awkwardness practically naked. I ended up not doing anything with him today and avoided talking with him after his obsession with my hot tub and I.

My third frustration is with Jamie. Jamie is a guy I picked up the other weekend while in Goderich. He’s a friend of a friend so I felt it was safe. He gave me his number, which shocked me because I assumed that it was just a one-night thing and we don’t owe each other a phone call. Well I kept his number and after much debate and advice from friends I called him. Becky was disappointed when she heard of my pick-up. Out of all her male friends in Goderich the last guy she wanted me with was Jamie, but I didn’t see that nor did I know her reasons. Apparently he gets around and has lots of money with no personality. We would be three hours away and I didn’t see a friendship and much less a relationship so the reason for the number was unknown. Anyways we’ve been playing phone tag since I called him almost two weeks ago now. We get each other but it’s bad timing on someone’s part. He always asks how my day was though and I like that, he seems like he really wants to know and that means a lot to me. Anyways, he said that he would try calling me Friday night and would leave a message if I wasn’t home. It’s Sunday now and still no call. I shouldn’t care if he calls again or not, or I could even call him if I’m this concerned to tell him how my day was. And it’s only been two weeks that we’ve been playing phone tag and I might not even like him or his personality, but I’m caught up. And being caught up isn’t good, I don’t want to be and it’s not the time.

And then here I am waiting by the phone typing this blog and the new song from Faith Hill and Tim McGraw is playing on my computer. “and I’m still living with your goodbyes, and your still going on with your life. How can you just walk on by, without one tear in your eye, don’t you have the slightest feelings for me?” And I know that I don’t want a heartache or a relationship but still my heart wants the attention, it wants a reason to beat and a reason to blog.

it's about time...

2006-03-19T16:01:00.000-05:00

I have worked hard on this blog within the past few months and finally I’ve achieved success. My goals in life are small…when they happen. When I met Mark and started reading his blog, I had this blog already but was inspired by him to write more and write with more of an audience. After deleting some over personal feelings about the way I felt for him I gave him my blog address and hoped he’d be a daily reader. I don’t remember how often he read it, but he told me it was written well and that I should start giving my address out, people would read it. My goal of impressing him worked for one day and my goal jumped to getting him to put my name in his “Friends Blog’s” link. It never happened and so I gave my blog to my brother thinking he might put my link in his list, but then I realized the other day that he doesn’t even read my blog frequently and much less remember that I have one. So then I was very excited today to see that I made it to Sarah’s list. I’m a “not-so-desperate.” I haven’t found out how to put links on my blog yet though. Thanks Sarah, you’ve made my day.

On note B. Rod and Corrine didn’t get the job in the Netherlands after all. Rod and Corrine are friends with my brother in law and therefore my sister and I adopted them as our friends. Well Thressa is a better friend with them both but because I live with them I’ve grown found of them both. Rod is a rocket scientist and was offered a job at the Netherlands Space Agency and has been waiting for close to a year for the word of when he can start. Originally the start date was January 1st but was pushed back a few times. Anyways this weekend they were supposed to come over for the night but didn’t after all because they were too depressed about not getting the job afterall. I would be too. They both have taken the past year off for maternity leave and have been stir crazy to get back into work and what better of an opportunity would they have then to spend a year or two in Holland. I am disappointed too because I was hoping to nanny for them. I feel for them though, this job searching thing is rough and I’m not even supporting a family. And how bad would that suck to be told that you didn’t have a job and then a year of having your tail pulled your told that it’s not happening after all.

On note C. I need you all to keep your fingers crossed for this job interview I had on Friday. I think it went well, however I didn’t get a negative nor positive vibe from him. I’m starting to think negatively but knew I felt confident there. He seemed like he was offering me the job but then mentioned that he had some more interviews to do. So I do have competition, however its not just him doing the interviewing and I think the other guys that run the show have some say. Hopefully I made a good impression with them. Well he noted that he will call me for a second interview if they choose me so I still won’t know if this job is forsure for another few days. I hate waiting for the phone call though and I’m not sure when I will know. So anyways ladies, please keep your fingers crossed for this job. Its about time I start earning my keep.

Dear Sarah

2006-03-17T08:58:00.000-05:00

After reading your blog today I thought that I would rather address your issues in my blog then write about the list of items I have planned to write about eventually. It pains me to hear about your heartbreak but we all go through it and yes you will fall in love.

Sarah, is a blog-ger who has began reading and commenting on my blog lately and I have taken much encouragement from her positive notes and from reading how she has been and is going through much the same issues in life as I am. I think that women seek companionship and love while men seek security and fun. This is not always the case, but as for Sarah and I, I think it is.

Sarah, you will find love and it’s going to happen when you least expect it. People tell me that and I fail to believe them or I find myself expecting to meet someone because of such an unlikely place and because I feel like I’m not expecting anything. But what it is, is that when we aren’t expecting a relationship to happen or seeking one we have brought our hearts into contentment and have begun to meet our own needs in turn learning how to please ourselves making us seem pleased and enjoyable. It is also at this time when we are less concerned about starting something with a guy when he appears and then we place less pressure on the start of a relationship. If too much pressure is placed on a guy from the start and the women shows too much need the guy will run. Because A, I would run too and B, it seems to happen all the time with me. Now I’m not saying that you have it all wrong I’m just giving my opinion on the male race that we can’t seem to live without and am trying to suggest that you need to make yourself happy and be content with your life before a guy will come along. You are beautiful and the right guy will come along.

I myself have a hard time explaining the definition of love. Though my parents are still together, I am a victim of abuse and the love I did see growing up was directed at my brother who was the sick child and then later known as the comedian. The relationships I’ve had with boys and men have been merely crushes and I have endured hardships and mental pain to be with them, not from love, but from a need of companionship. The first time I knew I felt love was when my nephew was born and then again with my nieces. Plus I can say that I love my cat. But if that deep feeling of admiration and pure happiness is the same love that you feel with men who supposedly love, I’ve never felt it.

I know that the search for our ideal companion can seem very hopeless when we see relationships that we have envied fail. But we don’t see everything all the time and we don’t see the list of wants and needs that our fellow ladies have. Some men also just can’t provide us with our needs. Just because something we thought was perfect wasn’t, doesn’t mean that we need to give up our views of perfection. Don’t settle and don’t give up hope that your Prince Charming is out there.

I hope I’ve helped ease some thoughts.

Sincerely,
Martha

My Ode to Aylmer...

2006-03-15T21:52:00.000-05:00

So I had a good time in Aylmer. I spend the past 10 days there helping my brother, doing an interview, and just hanging out with the family. As I noted in an earlier blog my brother is doing renovations to his upstairs and has needed more help then he realized. The process took much longer then anyone thought it would and wasn’t even close to having the walls back up on Saturday, the last day he had time to work on it. He had the week off of work and the next week he was working days and would be much too tired to progress much on his own. That Sunday he took some people that had helped him out to the Mancurian Restaurant. It was a nice thought, but I’m sure he could have saved some money if he went anywhere else.

One great thing about Aylmer is my niece. I can’t believe how cute she is, but she is her dad’s daughter so it should be expected. She’s funny and knows it. She gets all the attention she wants, and knows it. Her favourite words are “Daddy” and “what’s that” and she likes barking at dogs and cats. Her way of showing affection is by pinching. And when you show a sign of pain she’ll start to cry because she feels really bad about hurting you.
On the first day of the renovations Belinda had dropped Alexa off at the sitters and was helping us upstairs tearing apart the floorboards. After lunch she picked Alexa up and asked if my sister or I wanted to watch her. I agreed because of the four of us pulling out the floorboards I was obviously the weakest and thought that the job might get done faster if they loose the weakest rather then the strongest. Looking after a one year old isn’t as easy as it looks. I thought it’d be a good time to check my emails and jobsearch but it turns out that she devoured all my attention. She wasn’t happy playing with any little toy that I could give her. My other niece Ansleigh would have been however. Alexa wanted to be held constantly and then when Randy came down to do work she wanted him, but my job was to distract the baby so that Randy could actually get some work done. After two hours of her requiring too much attention and her being cranky because she hadn’t had her name yet I sat down by the tv hoping the colours would catch her attention. And it worked, she calmed down and rested her head very peacefully against my shoulder, I was tired too and laid back on the couch. Twenty minutes later just before I could close my eyes and take advantage of the peaceful baby Belinda, Randy and Joanne had came down for a break. Joanne told me that Alexa had fallen asleep and Belinda had taken her to her crib. So within two hours of deciding that a baby wasn’t worth the sleepless nights I realized it would be as she fell asleep in my arms. But do I want one of my own, well, I’m not sure yet, I guess its not only my call.

Of the first week at home four days were spent working on the house, one day was spent at the restaurant and the other two days were spent preparing for the interview. I was home in Aylmer for the reason of the interview but after hearing stories of this guy hosting the interview I kinda thought I should have rejected it. People thought the job description was odd and thought that the interview might be this guy promoting his course rather then filling a job. Tony, from the CCCA, a place where I worked one summer said that this guy, Mr. Jolly, was destined to be a used car salesman and for some reason got in hand in the environmental field. He told me that if I decide to take the interview he wanted to know what I thought of him. Way to make me feel confident in an interview Tony. Well after deciding that I should go to this interview with every intent to tell Mr. Jolly that I wasn’t going to enrol in his course, I went and an hour and a half later I came out of the interview. Apparently he was making a few teams of forestry technicians and was legitimately filling positions; the catch was though that the next phase of the interview involved passing his field class. I stated that I wasn’t willing to take his class if it meant that I might be offered a job in the end. If I have to pay $550 bucks for a course without the actual job offer I’m not going to do it. It’s not that I am weak and lazy; it’s just that I have a degree and if my degree isn’t good enough for him I’m not going to offer him the satisfaction of getting that extra cash out of me. I have a four-year degree and I’m not going to take an extra course because I think I may want to that. Nope, just doesn’t seem worth it. So even though I haven’t heard from him, I’m not even concerned for the response. I don’t want the job that bad and I’m not crazy working for a nutjob like that. It was an experience, good or bad I’m not sure about though.

Some other exciting events of the week were breakfast with Melanie Saturday morning and dinner and a movie with Will and Ani and their kids. Sometimes I get annoyed when the kids accompany my dates with Will and Ani. Those two are my favourite people to talk to and I take any chance I can to pick their brains about religion, dating, and our heritage that I can, but the deep talks are limited to their kids crying out for attention. But Andrea, Markus and Sammy are the kids where Precious Moments are taken from. The whole family is a picture of perfection and they make my dreams seem worth the wait. Monday, despite the fact that it was my first day after a busy first week to relax, I was extremely ill. I napped twice and spent the rest of the day taking turns lying on the couch, the bed, the floor and leaning against the wall or the chair at every moment I couldn’t be lying down. I hate being sick and I hated the feeling of swallowing a fork every time I tried to inhale. However I am feeling much better and excited to face the next few days. Today has been a good day, Thanks.

this is me walking away

2006-03-13T19:50:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think you are a dream. I think back to the amount I thought about you and the way I thought about you, but your thoughts have faded from the thought that my life would cease if you didn’t return the adoration. I thought the world of you and often thought you were the one God had made for me. But those thoughts have too faded. When I think back to my feelings for you I think about you as a dream I once dreamt.

You in fact were a dream I dreamt. In this dream we were engaged and determined to spend our lives together, we bought a house and I was best friends with your mom, sister in law and niece. And I was your best friend as you were mine. We encouraged each other in life, I helped you get into your passion of writing and you helped me with what I needed. You were there for me and we provided each other with great encouragement.

But you, the reader, and I know that this was all just a dream and some fabrication to what could have been. Also you, the reader, and I both know that he does exist and just merely a month ago I was broken in a million pieces. Although, your thought still crosses my mind, to me, to my heart you don’t exist. To my mind you are just a dream and events like seeing you in the hall at school, seeing you at church or knowing you are my brothers friend are just mere figments of my imagination. I could look you up in the yearbook, I could look at your blog or I could even ask how your doing but that would ruin my life again. I should admit your real, but I can’t. you were a great dream and I held on as long as I could to what could be. But that’s a dream that I’m slowly letting go of. It was the best dream I’ve ever had and you, Mark, are still a dream to me. A reason I wasted this perfectly good heart. I wish you didn’t exist, and I wish my heart wasn’t still waiting for you to come around.

I know that you, as a reader, are probably getting sick of reading about my pity heartbreak that could easily be eased by now, and in the same way I am sick of holding on to something that isn’t happening. But we all know that my life is at a standstill and until I move it forward I’m only sliding backwards. I don’t need to tell explain why I’m still lovesick for you, but I’m hoping you still care. This is me walking away, I told you I wasn’t good at it.

searching for gold and the pain to accompany it

2006-03-08T10:03:00.000-05:00

It’s like finding gold or putting 20 years on your age. My brother Randy is doing renovations and has demolished the whole 2 flotor of his house. For the past two days my sister, Joanne, and I have been there since 7:30am to about 9 pm. The first day we cleaned out the wood that was in the room and then torn up the floor boards. After all the floor boards were taken out we had to level the floor by placing thin slips of wood on the beams. The house is so old that its either poor construction or it’s age. The next day was much of the same thing, levelling the floor and actually placing some plywood down. After levelling half of the floor we brought up some of the plywood, measured it and screwed it down. Randy and Joanne did the measuring, the chalk lining and the cutting. And guess what… I did the screwing. I wasn’t as good at first, I kept grinding the nail heads but then I got better at. It happens after doing it that many times. Anyways J the drill was very heavy and I did a lot of work on my knees. My body is very sore because of the effort I needed for the drill and from the previous day. This morning I have encountered a great number of things I can’t do without feeling pain. They include doing the morning stretch, walking, pouring hot water, drinking tea, sitting, resting my knees anywhere, typing and finally breathing. Last night I also discovered that I cannot climb on the counters like I used to, to find items in the higher shelves of the kitchen. This process requires a lot of pulling yourself up with the right hand placement and kneeing on a small rough service. But Randy’s house is starting to look like it has potential rather then something someone set on fire. It will be very nice, he’s putting three rooms upstairs plus a bathroom.

There has been some neat findings though while pulling up the floor board. First I found a newspaper from 1958, then a some school papers like a Arithmetic test and music notes with a Max Ferginson’s name on it (which I still want to look up but just haven’t yet) and then we found a note from the Department of Biology from what is know called the University of Western but wasn’t on the note. This note was an interesting find because it was dating 1906. Joanne wants to give it to the museum creator but I could care less about that lady and would rather frame it. Randy’s step daughter took it to school though so it might be in her hands too long to do anything with it. It’s like digging for gold working up there with no floor boards, can anything beat the 1906 note? There was some jot notes found about the Boston Tea party but it’s not dated and could be for a school assignment anywhere between 1906 and 1958.

Well the hour I have allotted to blogging today is up. Stay tune for blogs about my niece, my interview and my week (or maybe more) in Aylmer.

Martha

Finally it's friday

2006-03-03T17:13:00.000-05:00

He said that his condition was getting worse but there was no timeline set. Meaning, I haven’t heard of a timeline set but eventually the cancer will overtake his life. Mike’s dad has had cancer for the past few years and even though it has been in remission for a while his condition is getting worse. As I talked to Mike today about it I noted that his dad seemed like he was in good physical condition, to which Mike replied, “well you haven’t seen him in a few months.” That’s right, I haven’t seen Mr. Gabert since October and it pains me to think that he has gotten so much worse within such a short time. I know I’m too sensitive about life and issues such as cancer but I’m sad for the family and I’m sad about loosing his stories. I should be cold about it, I shouldn’t care as much as I do but unfortunately I can’t be cold, it’s just not me, and my heart will always be immersed in subjects such as lost ones and relationships.

During a weekend in the summer Mike and I were spending a weekend in Waterloo. We arrived on Saturday and spent the day at his parents place. As the four of us sat on the deck, Mr. Gabert was telling me stories about the birds around the property. There had been a constant chirping and Mr. G had explained where the birds were, one was behind the barn, one was around the garden and another was under the deck but he hadn’t been able to see where the little bird was. So I listened as he talked, he talked a lot, Mike’s theory is that the cancer had such a toll on his brain that he needed to talk and be the centre of attention, he was always right and no one else could have imput. We got a long well, the parents and I. Mr. G talked, Mrs. G would stand there looking at me shaking her head as to say “I’m sick of his bull shit, why does he keep talking.” And I would sit/stand listening to Mr. G (not having a reason to say anything and I was perfectly happy with that) while giving the “I agree, I’m not really taking in what he is saying but merely humouring him” smile towards Mrs. G. Therefore I pleased them both while Mike was often in the other room watching sports on TV. So anyways about the weekend, eventually Mike and I went back to my place in waterloo for the night to go back to his parents again for the next day. Mrs. G was having a big German party and as the family we were supposed to be there. So as Mike and I were outside chatting with Sonya (Mikes sister) and Steve (her husband) Mr. G pulls me away and brings me under the porch where he points to a baby bird and says “look, I’ve found him but he’s dead.” I thought he was going to cry, or at least sniffle. It was a cute moment. Well I don’t mean to share stories as though Mr. Gabert is already gone but I just thought I’d share my favourite moment of him. Maybe in a future blog I’ll ramble on about Mike’s mom, she’s a unique lady as well.

So I was a little disappointed with The Office last night. I mean it started quite funny with a football being tossed around and then a hilarious tackle of Dwight knocking Ryan face first into the ground but this wedding planning at work and Jim being depressed kinda sucks. I mean, it’s entertaining but where is the comedy in planning a wedding. I am bitter, probably, I feel for you Jim, and PS I’m crushing on you too. I did like the speech and the way Dwight pounded his hands, very rhythmic. Although Michael was a jerk to leave during Dwight’s speech, but I guess that’s his character right, no one can take the attention away from him without needing to take it back. Another point about the office is why is Ryan’s character so important. He’s cute and humorous when he gets a line in, but out of the 20 people that work at Dunder Mifflin, he’s only the tempt. You know what I mean right. Why is he on the cover of the box set and has his name displayed at the beginning of every episode when he has less lines then other people who aren’t acknowledged. I think the main reason is that Ryan (BJ Novak) is actually a writer for the show and because is part of the office setting he gets mention. Even though I’m slightly disappointed with last nights airing I’ll still watch it. It’s one of the funniest shows I’ve seen lately.
Well I could go on for a lot longer about the birds and the bees and the job search and the boys and the toys but I’ll stop and leave something to write about next time. Thanks for reading and I hope my blog is entertaining.

Being lazy and addicted to quilting

2006-03-02T17:04:00.000-05:00

Maybe I should make friends with the lady across the road. She’s old and I think her husband has passed away. She lives in a house across from me and her son lives in a house a diagonally from me but his drive way is attached to hers. Everyday she goes for walks and walks for about two kilometres, I try walking everyday but I get lazy, and I’m even youthful! If I were to guess her age I’d say 80ish. So what better of a friend to have; lonely like me, unemployed like me and lives right across the road. I’m shy though and haven’t needed or even wanted to approach her. But she walks everyday, me I walk when I feel like it, and that’s not often.

I feel that since I have all this time on my hands I should work out more. I was walking frequently but then it started getting cold again and instead of putting on more layers, I put the Sims on my computer. When I started writing in my blog again I played it less but since I’ve lost most of my inspiration to write I have not reason to start playing and when I start the Sims, it’s on all day. I like writing, but my writing skill has decreased and my blogs have gone from being informative and thought provoking (at least humour me) to a self-obsessed, whoa is me type reflection on life. There is no shortage of ways to work out here though. Tom has an exercise bike, Thressa has a stability ball and there is weights and exercise videos and books all throughout the house, plus how hard is it to clear a space for sit-ups and push-ups. I’m lazy, and if I was overweight I doubt I’d care to get off the pounds. I’ve often said that I’d workout, yes I’m just like the rest of the world, I can make promises to work out but they are empty.

As I’m sitting here I am waiting for a lead to call me back. He was just going to look over my resume and then give me a shout, which was a little over an hour ago. He sounded like a good lead but who knows, I’ve been there before too. It’s a brick wall one contact or another. Although this guys name is Dallas and I so desperately want to ask him what the possibilities are of meeting him at a roller skating arena are. See when I went to youth group a monthly activity was to go roller skating and one time my cousin Angie knew that I was crushin’ on this guy and she pushed me into him and out of the awkwardness of the situation I asked him if he wanted to skate during one of the couples skating, he said yes. So we skated. I was on cloud nine, Dallas was the first guys hand I held. It seems minuscule now, but everyone has their firsts. However, this man seems older and seems to have a position in his company that could not be achieved by a person only two years older then myself. So it’s not, and to not ruin this contact to the best of my ability I’m not going to ask him.

Girls weekend in Goderich

2006-02-28T15:27:00.000-05:00

In hindsight we should have taken the fireball away from Becky. They, as in people who have nothing better to say, say that hindsight is 20/20. Although, what do they mean by that. For example, I felt bad only a few hours after she passed out for not taking the bottle away but how long will it take for me to feel bad about other events of that night. Maybe only a few years later will I say “in hindsight…” So which sight is better, the knowing right away or knowing two years down the road? Anyways, Becky was so excited about us Aylmer girls coming to Goderich to see her that she wanted to be drunk and have a good time. Unfortunately she passed out before the concert and missed out on the fun. I was almost certain that I wasn’t going to be able to enjoy the night and rather have to stay at Becky’s and watch a movie or something but thanks to prune juice and vanilla extract I was feeling much better. See the quecidella’s (spelling) that I had at lunch were much too greasy and plugged my system up. Every attempt was unsuccessful until my constipation changed to diarreah (spelling) in a matter of moments. But I will spare the details and just say that I had a great night despite the pain.

On another note I miss Mike. Not as a partner but his friendship. He doesn’t seem to want to talk to me lately. I’ve needed his friendship throughout the last six months and he’s been very nice in giving it to me, even though I don’t seem deserving. But I can’t hold on to him if he doesn’t want to hold on. I broke up with him and if he wants to move on with his life and let me go then I have to go and respect that.

Also, thanks Sarah for the comment on my last blog. I guess I never really give questions for people to answer or say things for people to comment on, but your comment made me smile for getting feedback. Hopefully i will have more interesting blogs to come, i just need some inspiration and the motivation for writing again.

sometimes i feel bad

2006-02-24T17:24:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel bad about making fun of Mark. I wouldn’t want to be made fun of that much and I’d hate to make him more upset with me. Even though secretly that’s why I do stab at him. But I guess his thoughts still own me. What could have been overrules what is not happening and never will, the questions I’ve wanted to ask overrule him telling me to walk away from anything I think we may have had. Did you not feel anything? Did I do something to turn you away? What did you think about me in high school, was I ever more then Will’s sister? Maybe I’ll never know, or maybe someday you’ll walk by again.

PS. Please not on my previous entry that i was able to hyperlink the word office to the website. Mark did that on his blog and i always wanted to figure out how he did that. I also added two pictures successfully. It was a productive blogging day yesterday.